Adultwork / Todd and Clare on DH bank statement

[Ellie1977]

hi all, while I've been a reader for years on mumsnet this is the first time I've joined. I'm wriitng this because i need some real advice from other mums.

DH is 4 years older than me. He has been disinterested in me for years sexually, though we have recently tried to rekindle things a bit. Have 1 beautiful son.

I am in a bit of shock at the moment, to find multiple entries for 2 adult websites (Adultwork and Todd and Clare) on his Santander bank account statement from January, the online one which I thought he rarely uses. This was discovered NOT by snooping, but because of doing taxes for our small business and I accidentally opened some PDF santander downloads which were in an accounting file I thought I'd missed on our shared computer. Yes, our SHARED machine, I feel like such a mug.

So, the question is... well, there are many questions, but how do i find out what part of the Adultwork site has he been using his card on? Is there anyway to find out? There's no contact number on Adultwork, it's based by the looks of things in Malta. How convenient.

It looks like AW site is basically a prostitute's site.... I am sitting here typing this in tears and feeeling physically sick.

Regarding the other site, the 4 entries on his Santander account for the Todd & Clare one are all from America. that is an American-based site, most of the women are not UK based by the looks of things so that could be Skype webcamming or phone sex, but the Adultwork /AW one is what has rocked me... I heard about it along time ago, and to be confronted with the possibility he has actually done this to us....wow.

Haven't confronted him with it yet.... honestly have no words for this.

Have told my sister. Am staying at hers. Honestly, I don't know what I am going to do. IF AW was just webcamming like I'm reading on the Todd and Clare one, maybe I would feel less sick. But, we checked this morning and they are all local escorts on Adultwork.

The AW entry on the bank statement doesn't tell me which part of the Adultwork site he has been using. The site is split into multiple sections, there are parts for webcamming, parts for phone sex, escorting... the list goes on and on...

DEVASTATED.

[Ellie1977]

maybe the same as a gambling addiction??

[Ellie1977]

some more of her greatest hits, this one from May:

twitter.com/Miss_Delores/status/731461311696125952

paid exposure? You should see this person's Snapchat account.

We're wondering if she is breaking blackmail laws. In fact is any of this against the law?

[aginghippy]

So sorry you are going through this Ellie Your h is not the man you thought he was.

I would echo what pp have said suggest you concentrate your energies on securing your financial future.

What Miss Delores (if she exists) does is not your concern.

[pocketsaviour]

Op, sorry you're going through this. As a PP suggested, I think you need to get yourself financially protected before you drop the bomb on him. That will mean financial statements for your company, any pension arrangements, copies of tax returns, etc. Are you heavily involved in the business day to day? Do you think he could buy you out? Is your home providing any business use? These are all things you will want to discuss with a solicitor.

Some general info about Adultwork: The main moneymaker of the site is the webcam section. Average prices are around £25 for 10 minutes. Rather than pay a set fee for one or more webcam models, customers buy "credits" (at the rate of £1 = 1 credit) and then use the credits to pay for a private show. (AW then take a cut of about a third and the model gets the rest.)

Although escorts advertise on the site and can be contacted through there and appointments can be made, money for escorting is not paid through the site, only ever in cash. So the money he has spent on AW has not been for in-person meets with a sex worker. However him withdrawing £200 from the cashpoint late at night sounds pretty suspicious in the light of all his activity. But you're not going to know for sure unless you can find the phone he's been using and/or the email account that's associated with his AW account.

I would keep your powder dry for now, maybe you can extend your stay at your sister's and tell him that she's having some sort of crisis and needs you? It's really good that you have support around you in real life.

[pocketsaviour]

Oh dear, just saw your latest updates.

Financial domination (findom for short) is becoming quite the popular fetish. Men who pay for this are referred to as "paypigs". If you google "Meet the paypigs" you'll find several articles - sorry can't link directly as I'm at work!

Teamviewer is simply a screensharing software. A slightly more techy version of Skype.

Re Twitter: it's very popular with sex workers and clients. None of what this woman is doing is illegal. The only illegality here is your (hopefully soon to be ex) husband's claiming the VAT back from HMRC for his wank sessions

[hellsbellsmelons]

I'm so glad you have some RL support.
That will get you through this awful time.
If you have had sex with him recently then get yourself to your local GUM clinic quick sharp.
What a cock he is - I'm angry for you!
Try to look after yourself whilst all this is going on.
Hopefully your mum is keeping you topped up with water and sugary tea or coffee!?

[Nivea101]

I am so sorry OP, just so sorry.

I do love the internet but there is such ease for people to cheat on their partners nowadays in all ways. Take care love xx

[adora1]

Bloody hell, he's went the full hog hasn't he, agree with everyone, get yourself financially savvy and get rid, he's been spending a fortune on prostitutes, simple as that, no need to dig anymore.

[SemiNormal]

Financial Domination can sometimes tie in with humiliation (as in Humiliatrix). You can do cam sessions and get them to do humiliating things and/or demand money from them. Often these sessions are record or screenshot and for use with consensual 'blackmail'.

Like any form of domination it's about TPE (total power exchange), the power and control (or loss of), is a turn on. There are so many aspects to it. Some of the women will call themselves Mistess XXX or Domme XXX, a lot of the younger ones tend to use Princess XXX. Some have been going for years, others are what is known as InstaDommes (they've seen what it's about, no experience, just set themselves up a name and a few pics and off you go).

In some cases there is no nudity, in my experience it's not about nudity at all. Some men will have certain fetishes that the Domme may cater too, smoking fetishes, hair fetishes, foot fetishes etc. The men can 'pay' Dommes bills, buy her gifts and often they go for the greedier ones who will bleed them dry. I've known ones tell their 'subs' that they must skip lunch everyday and pay them the money they would have spend on it. A lot of the women have Amazon Wish Lists where the men can buy gifts for her from that.

It's not a mental illness, it's a kink, like BDSM or people liking swinging etc.

There are many aspects to it and it will be different between each pairing of Domme/Sub, each establishing a different set of 'rules'. If he has had the same Domme for a long time then the relationship may be quite deep (at least on his side), some Dommes care for their 'subs' in a motherly way but rarely in a 'sexual' way - some 'subs' can be easily replaced (as in some don't pay out so much) but others Dommes will see as a valuable asset - but mostly they are viewed as an asset no more, no less.

This is my experience of it anyway.

[SemiNormal]

Just wanted to add that some will also send large sums of cash for 'nothing' in return. Or spend a fortune on them 'internet shopping'. As for teamviewer I think that's something whereby the Domme can remotely take control of the 'subs' computer/laptop and use his card whilst he sits and watches, having no control over how much she takes is a turn on.

[TheHobbitMum]

Can you stay with your sister a little. Longer? Say she needs you for a bit longer? Then you can have time to find out the financial situation he's left you in and come up with plan to secure your future?

[Nivea101]

My God SemiNormal the things you learn on Mumsnet and here was me thinking it was all nappies and breastfeeding chat for years. So what is your take on this situation? Just curious as you seem to have some knowledge of the scene.

Sorry OP I am not making light of your situation but perhaps Semi can share some insightful thoughts.

[Nivea101]

Wikipaedia. Todd and Clare site:

The company is focused on connecting single women with men seeking long-term and traditional relationships.[7]

[SemiNormal]

Nivea101 It's difficult to say because of the other website. I actually very much doubt he has been sexually active with these women. I can appreciate that people will find it difficult to believe that these Dommes give pretty much nothing back for £300 but it's true, possibly nude pics but a lot of Dommes won't do that as they see it 'beneath' them. This isn't an affair by any means and she won't feel an emotional bond/connection with him, she would not be looking out to 'steal' him from you, it's business (although many claim it's not and that they get a thrill from it too, for the majority is business). Most FinDommes don't even meet up with these men, it's all online interaction, they've no need to meet them in person.

I don't think there is anything wrong with having a fetish so long as it's out in the open and both partners in a relationship understand what is going on. He's been deceitful though, in the most horrible way and to be dishing out money to other women would make any woman feel insecure and sick I imagine. His behaviour is completely unacceptable.

Is he in a high power job? Often men with these kind of jobs where they need to be in complete control enjoy someone taking control from them for a change. I think you need to find out when this started and ultimately WHY..... if it hasn't been something they've done for years and years then why now? how did he get into it? I know many people may not be able to forgive this kind of thing and I completely understand why but if it is what I think it is, no physical contact and not an emotional affair then it's something that could possibly be worked out. Especially if this is something that has started for a reason - a distraction that's taking them away from something in everyday life for example - an illness, a death, exceptional work related stress etc

[Nivea101]

You have some good points there Semi and I feel it would be much easier to come to terms with web camming with no actual physical contact rather than having full sex with another but it's all still very deceitful.

[Babycham1979]

OP, your husband will not have been paying prostitutes via Adultwork credits; these payments will only be for camming/findom. HHS Twitter account bears this this out; that looks very much as if your husband may be paying to be humiliated, have the size of his le is ridiculed etc.

The one big question mark remains over the £200 withdrawal at night though. However, what if you got to the bottom of this and it turned out he'd payed someone to bully or humiliate him? A betrayal of trust, definitely, but is it quite 'cheating' in the same way? I suppose that would be different for everyone.

If he's been harbouring (or recently discovered) a secret fetish for humiliation, it may be something he's truly struggled with for some time. I'm absolutely not excusing his behaviour, but you may feel it's not the same as chesti in the most obvious sense. This could be something he's terrified of losing you over if he owns up to it.

Real Dommes will be very, very, very unlikely to provide sex of any kind to their clients. The 'work' will be. Ore about humiliation and physical/mental abuse. Sorry, I'm not sure if that makes it worse or better for you?!

[MissyD111]

Hello, I'm the dominatrix that you're talking about.
One of my friends linked me to this thread as I had been mentioned.

I am very sorry you're going through this and obviously this is very difficult for you to process. I also understand I am probably the last person you want to hear from. Or maybe even the opposite?

I am very happy to speak with you, by email or skype to shed some light on what I do and what services your husband is most likely to have received.


my email is [email protected]

I am fine to chat via email or if you'd like to chat on skype/phone I'm happy to.

MissD

[Afreshstartplease]

Jesus Christ on a bike

[Nivea101]

Bloody Nora!!!!!!

[AnyFucker]

You couldn't make it up.

Errr...

[TheDuchessOfArbroathsHat]

Nah. Seriously? Nah.

[neverknowinglywrong]

I have never seen a wronged wife link to so many websites before.

Very interesting.

[Orwellschild]

No way. No actual legitimate way.
Surely this is advertising. Cannot be real.

[Nivea101]

Very interesting never and very educational, I didn't even know all these sites existed as I live in my own little bubble. The things you learn on mumsnet!

[peppercold]