Moving on - why don't I feel happier

[Strawberryshortcake40]

Almost divorced from 20 + year marriage, STBEH was EA for most of it. I've had threads on here before where people urged me to leave and I finally did.

House is now sold and we are due to move. Everyone is saying I should be excited and it's a new start etc. But instead I just feel numb and exhausted.

DC are upset, they wanted to stay in the house. The new house is much smaller, tiny garden etc and I feel devastated for them that I have changed their lives. All the lovely holidays and nice things gone. I tried for so many years to put up with how things were to keep the family together and ultimately I stood up for me and failed my DC.

Yes they now know that mum isn't a "silly bitch" or "useless" or any of the other things he told them. They've watched me pick myself up and deal with everything with determination and a smile. Positivity 24/7. They don't see me sob for hours at night because I don't know how to cope with all of this.

He told me for years I didn't understand money/house stuff/etc and I'm terrified he's right. There are so many ways I can mess all of this up. Doing my home insurance yesterday made me have a panic attack, anything that I have to do on my own is terrifying.

I want to be happy. I need to be. I've got this far and need to see it through and keep my DC happy, they are relying on me. I just don't know how to find that positivity.

You will find it by making new routines for you and DC. You will by not tensing everytime you come home or hear the door open.
You will by being kind to yourself :)

Do you realise OP that you Are doing it... found somewhere to live, you are moving on, yes you will feel down, but you should feel really proud of what you have achieved.
You are nearly divorced, you will start to feel much better, its the uncertainty , it will wain, when you are settled and away from the house, away from the memories, there will be new holidays, new money and maybe a NDP .
I have escaped DV, we have nothing, but we are happier away from the dv, the financial control and horrible xdh , and we are happy and safe.
Count your blessings and meditate, close your eyes and think of a happy place, you will soon start to feel better xx

He failed your DC by being an abusive husband: you have improved their lives by showing them that's not the way relationships work and showing them wives/women are independent capable people.

Yes there will be a steep learning curve if you haven't done stuff before but honestly it's not rocket science - it's just that it's new to you. If you need practical advice Mumsnet is here for you.

There's a big difference between 'can't do' and 'haven't done before'.

You're proving you can do, even when you haven't done before.

Of course you're going to mourn what you thought he was and what your marriage should have been. That's entirely natural. You're no longer living on adrenaline and are experiencing come down.

Next stage is to take stock and work towards making the next stage of your life as good as it can be.

You are not failing your DC, it would be far, far worse to remain with an abuser.

Ignore anyone telling you how you "should" feel.

Try to notice when his negative words are in your head and discard them!

I just can't get over the feeling that he has still "won". He has come out of all of this looking like the good one. The DC are pretty much forgetting what he was like now he is Mr "let's have fun and buy you lots of nice things". Financially he's actually better off without us even!

So I'm feeling I have let down my DC, made my own life far more difficult. I don't have any friends who started again on their own, they all found new partners shortly after splitting.

And meanwhile I have to spend the weekend with him cherry picking the bits he wants from the house.

You've done good, don't forget that. It'll take time to feel it, but your will gradually start to feel happier.

Why is he the one cherry picking? You have the children living with you, don't you? Why does he get to choose everything?

Why is he financially better off? Is the settlement unfair?

Why on earth would you start to feel better already? You aren't even out yet. You know intellectually you've done the right, the necessary thing, but it's far too soon to start feeling it. You need to be in your own place with time to relax and see how it can work without Mr Negative putting you down all the time. In a very few weeks you should start to feel much happier, only in little flashes at first, but eventually for longer and longer. It's putting a ridiculous amount of pressure on yourself to just shake off over 20 years of conditioning because, well, it's over now so it's all in the past and that's it. People are resilient but they're not rubber bands!

I'm concentrating on the things that are really important in the house and letting everything else go. Does it really matter if he strips it of anything with value? No. But it does matter that I get to keep their really important books/toys. And believe me he would fight for those if he could. I'm not dealing with a man who wants his DC to have a lovely home. I'm dealing with a man who wants to destroy me so he can have them.

I boxed up some of the DCs toys for his house. He didn't want "their crap cluttering it up". Plus he's buying them everything new.

I found out at the very last moment that he had been hiding money. I always suspected it. Unfortunately at that stage to do anything about it would have meant the house sale falling through etc. And we need to get out of here and start again.

I can't explain what it's like to see him so smug thinking he got one over me and I was too dumb to realise.

You will feel better. It's small and slow steps a day at a time. You need to have as little contact with as is possible. You know you made the right decision for yourself and your dc's future. They will see through him in the end. It may take time but if you provide the love and routine and consistency kids need they will see it.

I just can't get over the feeling that he has still "won". He has come out of all of this looking like the good one

Since when has looking good to others been a win? We all know of people in gilded cages who are miserable. Are they winning because their life looks good to others who don't have a clue about them or their lives?

You're winning. It's common for those in abusive relationship to remain so because they doubt themselves and how the world will see them. You're breaking through those misconceptions be leaving but still have a bit more work to do to change yourself if you're judging yourself by how you belief others perceive you. Keep going, time will change that if you keep on at it.

Well done to get to where you are now , it's an enormous step but in reality you've put the hardest part behind you , living in a relationship with an abusive spiteful partner is awful and you have put that into the past now .

Learning how to deal with day to day finances and other "house" stuff will be like a breath of fresh air , you've never had to deal with this stuff before and that's not because you couldn't but because he chose to turn them into something mysterious by telling you they were above your ability to cope with when in reality he was busy syphoning money into his secret stash rather than it being family funds that it should have been .

Enjoy your new life , you deserve it , take every day and every new experience as it comes , enjoy the challenges and don't be scared to tell people who you deal with that you may need help as its new to you , people are more helpful and understanding than you may expect

Good luck

Please don't waste your life away being bitter and thinking 'what if'.
I managed to remain calm (so far) by thinking: 'every thing you try and do to me is reinforcing my belief I am right to split up with you, it's reinforcing the fact you're a waste of my time'.

"Almost divorced, why dont I feel happier"

I would say you feel like this, because your divorce is not finalised yet

Ref moving to new house
Pay all bills first each month on direct debit
If you can, save some money for emergencies even if it a little per month
Do not auto renew annual bills, shop around on comparison websites
Live within your new budget

It may take a few weeks, but I am sure you will enjoy your new life, it will get better

Yesterday was an awful day. Realistically I know it's because he's upset and hurt and I was always the one who made things okay for him. But it's so hard to keep my calm when he's prepared to argue over everything. DC very upset last night and I am trying to carry on being positive but it's slipping away.

Part of me wants to turn the clock back and try harder. My DC are dreadfully damaged from all of this and I miss so much of my old life (just not him). It's not an option but this seems so difficult.

Your life will end up being wonderful. You are putting all the hard work in now - bit like having a baby that needs endless effort and the eventually smiles at you - and making he right choices. You love your children and they love you. You are free, you can choose who comes into your life. You are in control, and that will make your stbeh struggle because it's his worst nightmare. He no longer has power over you. Yes, he still makes you feel bad things, but you will shake that free the more you keep your distance. You will end up with a happy life, because of these hard times - and it will be so worth it. Please, have faith in yourself and know you can do this.

It took me about 18 months to feel anywhere near normal.
It's the toughest decision and you will need time to grieve for your marriage and move on.

I felt like this after the end if my EA marriage and even now nearly 3 years later the doubts sometimes niggle. I have to push them away! Your children are better out of the destructive relationship and YOU have shown them that, YOU are providing a happy home, no matter that there isn't as much money to do all the things you did before, they will be happier and safer because of YOUR decision.
Every day your confidence will grow with increasing independence don't let the way he treated you affect your future.
Well done, you will be happier!

What fencing wire said. A decent man would not be hassling you and asset stripping your house or hiding money (my not so lovely exH did all of those things too). He doesn't deserve you and he doesn't get to keep you.

You're at the point of most turmoil now and it is bound to be crap. as another poster said, you are probably also experiencing an adrenaline crash too. Keep on keeping on, it's all you can do at this point, but have faith in the experience of those of us who have been through this. It will take some time, but you'll start to see glimmers within a short time of being in your own home with your DC, and a few months down the line when you are living in your house, decorated the way you want it, with peace and quiet and love, you'll start to realise that you are happier than you have ever been.

I know a number of women who have been through similar experiences to this and NOT ONE of us wants to go back, even a little bit.

Don't worry about the practicalities. You've brought up children so you ca turn your hand to most things. Ask for help in RL or on here if you need it.

Finally, don't worry about the Disney dad thing either. My exH has all the money and loves to flash it about with holidays, Xboxes etc. We're a few years down the line and my DC can barely be bothered to see him and often don't. They know who is the real parent and it's the parent who stays and loves them every day.