Anyone up, please help me understand why I am angry and panicky

[Diary12345]

DH does not have a schedule. He works for himself, does a lot of hobbies which take up huge amounts of his time, esp academic hobbies. He can focus for hours on a topic with no regard to anything else : family life, eating, sleeping . He is up through the night most nights and can survive on just a few hours sleep and then be 100mph the next day. I don't see him for long periods of time because a topic has caught his interest and he cannot rest until he has read everything about it.

I used to be fine with this before we had DC because it meant that I could be free too if I wanted. I liked the eccentric way of living, the way his mind worked, lack of obligation to routine etc, but since we've had DC I have been left with the drudgery, and the challenge of creating a routine living in a house with someone who doesn't really think he has to make adjustments for anyone or anything.

It is normal for DH to emerge from his office (we live in university town) at 3am, noisily make a meal at home, banging and crashing around with plates next door to DC's bedrooms, waking them up for me to resettle, then once he's eaten again, back to his office at 4.30am.

Tonight I feel I have just broken. I am 34 weeks pregnant with DC3 and have been suffering panic attacks. I don't know why. I had a big bleed today, was told it's not labour but to keep an eye. DH was sort of aware of this but it has not been in his radar despite me communicating with him directly about it. I am due to go away to a holiday cottage (UK-based) with the DC by myself tomorrow so tonight we all tried to be together. Went out for meal, then we all got into bed (me, DH and DC's 1 and 2) and fell asleep in front of referendum. It felt nice. Normal I suppose, rare, and the first night DH and I have slept in same bed since he had this crazy deadline.

Anyway i have just been cajoled awake to be told that he needs to go and watch the referendum results at work because he can't sleep. I said watch them here (the TV is on, sound is down so the DCs can sleep.) He said no he absolutely must watch with the sound up and needs to leave now. I got very upset as he was getting his things together and told him so. He said I had no idea how important the referendum was and it was making him jittery and he needed to know everything right now and know why the brexiters were ahead (he is not a political academic btw, just gets interested in something and is like a dog with a bone.)

I repeated that I was very upset. I reminded him the DCs and I leave at 8am (in 4 hours.) He said he couldn't believe i was "doing this" now and left.

Of course I now can't sleep and I feel panicky and crying again. I can't seem to articulate what I am upset about. DH's logic is that me and the DC are all asleep (well until he woke me to tell me he was leaving,) so why is it a problem? Please help me articulate what it is? Help me express my feelings. I am just so angry right now I don't really know what my reason is.

I feel like packing up right now, putting DC in car and leaving so that he returns to an empty house - whenever he decides to return. Should I?

💐 I'm sorry you feel like this. In general I think you need to make him understand he's now a Dad, life has changed - he needs to adapt. He needs to be FAR less selfish.

However, we have just voted to leave the EU. It is totally unexpected & is MASSIVE. He's a political academic - now is NOT the time to try to talk to him or take what he's doing this morning personally.

Maybe you shouldn't go away on your own though just now, stay home near your support team. I hope everything is ok.

He is entirely inconsiderate to both you and your children. In the immediate present you need to be entirely focused on what is best for you and the baby (and the other children.) If that is going away then do it but it sounds like you could do with help and support. Do you have a friend or family member who could go with you so you can have a relax and get some perspective? Please look after yourself and have a lovely time if you go!

OP says he is NOT a political academic!! His wife is heavily pregnant and has had a bleed that should be his priority end of story.

This is who he is and this appears to be who he's always been. Your panicked response is probably the realisation that he'll always be this person and worse still, you've enabled him by putting up with it.

You are partly responsible for your current relationship dynamic and you can absolutely change your contribution to that dynamic but you may have to accept that your H might not want to change his contribution. Then you'll have to decide if your continued relationship with your H is worth the loneliness of being a single parent in a relationship and the dysfunctional relationship role model you are promoting for your children.

Yes, sorry, I miss read that. He's NOT a political academic.

However, I still think today is not the day to make life changing decisions about leaving him or to expect him to be someone he's not. The OP has had a scare, is heavily pregnant & is worried, he's - like many of us - quite stunned by the vote and this HUGE thing that's happening.

All I'm saying is that the dynamic IS fucked, but today is not the day to try to get him to listen to her.

It sounds like he's really not cut out for family life. He hasn't changed at all, but your life has completely.

I have no idea what you do about it, apart from splitting. The waking the kids in the night making food and not bothering to settle them, all of it - it's completely self-absorbed.

He doesn't need a family, he needs a garret.

Because you're married to a selfish, inconsiderate fucker? Not much more to say is there? I'm sorry for you but it isn't likely to get much better as far as I can see.

Im not trying to diagnose over the Internet, just offering another perspective that might be worth considering.
Some of the behaviours and traits you've described make me wonder if your husband is on the autistic spectrum. It might be something worth exploring.
A cousin of mine was diagnosed as an adult, and he was working in an academic town where there was a higher than average proportion of people on the spectrum than average. The support that he was able to access was fantastic and life changing for him.
IF (just to unpack the idea a little more) this was the case, it doesn't mean that you are somehow morally obliged to put up with your lot. It is entirely reasonable for you to take a long look at what your life is and make changes that work for you. Counselling might help too.
My cousin's partner told me that understanding his mindset was different to hers helped enormously. She has a new "toolbox"; for instance keeping her speech simple and direct and literal when she has something important to communicate, establishing rules (in your case I'd be thinking "never wake a sleeping person unless life is at immediate risk"). They don't and won't have children (that hasn't changed) so your situations aren't the same. And please don't imagine that I'm suggesting for a moment that autism (if he has it) justifies you being treated badly.

The dynamic is pretty broken with regard to family life. This is why you are having panic attacks. I would find it much easier to go it alone in these circs - you're already a single parent.

On a practical note I think it unwise for you to take dc away on a trip alone. If you bleed again you'll have to go to the local maternity unit with your dc. And you may need to stay in or have an emergency c-section.