Im and fat and its your fault....bet the heart attack was my fault too!!

[whatisforteamum]

I was at a crossroads 2 yrs ago.Sleeping downstairs due to dhs snoring and generally frustrated by his anger outbursts and my boss having a bad temper too.
With my df being terminally ill i didnt want to make too many changes.
Things have improved alot for me :)
DH now has a bed downstairs.so i have a bed for the first time in 12 yrs.My dcs both found jobs.I took a leap of faith and got a new job very close to my old one where im treated with respect and i am doing more hours so the money is much better.
we are going on hols soon for the first time together in at least 15 yrs.
The only sad thing is i work opposite shifts to everyone so when i get in dh is staring at the tv and wont engage in conversation.The tv is on loud as he wont wear his hearing aids!
sometimes i feel lonely as i work week ends and so do dcs.Dh works 4 long days getting up 430 am.
Last night he was talking about a diet the nurse put him on as he put on weight since his heart attack.He is obsessed with doughnuts chocolate and ice cream and burgers.she told his 3 rounds of sandwiches was too much.
our dcs bought him some sweets for fathers day.I pointed out he should hide them from me as they looked tempting and although im a size 10 i dont want to gain weight.
He then started saying it was my F......G fault he is 5 stone over weight as i never cook healthy food for him !!!!.Over the 29 yrs i have and he just ate junk to top up on.Recently ive been doing 45 hr weeks and been really busy only keeping up with chores (which he shares) and my parents.I feel hurt he is blaming me and laughable that he thinks shovelling junk food in his body is my fault.Part of me doesnt even want to go away on holiday although i need a break.What do you ladies think?should i carry on with seperate lives here or am i selling myself short.30 th year together on the horizon.

Gosh that is a hard one. I guess i am at the same stage in life as you - 50’s, 30 years married, grown up DC? I know my DH works long hours and during the week we don’t see much of each other but we have made massive efforts to sort things so that the weekends are mostly freed up for us to spend time together. I think if we didn’t do that we would have no relationship,

Your DH really needs to take responsibility for his own health and what he eats. I am sure you don’t force feed him. It is the opposite way round in our house. I am the overweight, unhealthy one but i have now taken control, made changes and am losing weight. My Dh is very supportive and will eat whatever i provide. He is grateful i cook but if i didn’t he would make something for himself.

You probably need to try and get some time with your DH to talk through these issues and see where your future is heading. When the DC get older and they need you less i think that is when cracks can start to appear in relationships and if you don’t repair them now then you could be heading for a miserable old age.

I always like to turn it around in these sort of situations...if you piled on 5st would you blame him? Of course not because you are an adult and take responsibility for your actions. His health is his responsibility. Its not like you are sabotaging him.

My EA ex used to say it was my fault why his life was shit (nothing to do with his drinking, weed and general loserish outlook on life) the penny dropped when i said to him was he that much of a sap that he had really given over all of his control to someone else - it was just another tactic to keep me under control - it was the beginning of the end thank god.

Its up to you,can he does he want to change? and are you willing to accept this as your future. Now your children are getting older you have a chance at another life. No i wouldnt give up on a holiday, have an amazing time.

Thanks.we had some bads years before and couldnt afford to split up.the dcs are both 17/19 and see how he is with me.He was lovely until his heart attack 3 yrs ago.His bad temper has calmed by me working all hrs and all weekend.Yes im almost 50.So sad he speaks to me badly.Anyone can see i have alot on my plate already i dont need a big baby saying he can cook burgers not make a salad!!.Ive battled eating disorders in my 20s so i know how very hard it is.Im sure a 56 yr old can read packaging though.the dcs are both slim.

have you got him well insured.....keep feeding him these donuts if he is.... he sounds awful.......cook chips in lard, put 4 sugars in his coffee, lots of creamy sauce on everything, lots of hard cheese....oh and use that lovely cheap mince to make burgers.....mostly fat imo.....good luck!

Ha ha...the sad thing is he used to be so kind.I almost give up.All he wants to do is glare at the tv make odd grunting noises or get angrry if i dare ask him to turn the sound down so i can tell him something.I am just home from work and its 1130 pm (am i supposed to cook healthily now) !!!!

Why are you wasting your life with this horrible man ?

No idea tbh :(

This doesn't have to be your life for the next 3+ decades.

Thanks ANY :) i am proud ive made lots of changes for the better the last 9 months.
I pointed out DD is earning more than us and her minimal rent needs to go up as she has a good amount of savings for a car and lessons now.This sent him off on a rant that he put money down on the house 27 yrs ago!! from a house he previously had.He did and we couldnt have bought a house without it.
I pointed out he probably wouldnt get it back if we ever divorced and he told me i could shove it up my arse.Charming.
I feel sad he is storing up things then blurting them out,no idea how he will be when df dies :(

He needs to take responsibility for what he eats. Frozen veg and microwave are his best friends. He can dump some veg in a bowl with lid, microwave for about 15 minutes, and voila! Healthy platter of veg! (It's cheap to boot). Instant/ready made veg soup is another good one, although might be too salty for him with the heart problems.