Since day 1 me and my now husband have found our relationship with his parents challenging. They come across as a pretty standard middle aged couple and at first I tried so hard to keep them happy. It was really something we had to try and do and nothing was ever enough. We had always found some way to offend or upset, not seeing them enough (had to be once a week), then when we saw them once a week it was we aren't happy enough when we see them, we don't make them feel loved, we hate them and it just got worse and worse. Then inevitably we'd fall out, it caused huge amounts of pressure in our relationship (mine and dh's) as everytime they'd message he'd ask me what to say, not wanting to see them but needing and excuse to say no etc.
They aren't perfect and neither are we, however we recognise and admit it whilst they seem to think everything that they feel is down to us, rather than their insecurities.
Most of these insecurities seem to stem from mil, not feeling loved, her son doesn't "hug her properly", she never gets gifts etc and I think she struggled with her son not being there for her 24/7.
Since having a dd they've stepped it up a notch, and they are now upset on a weekly/at least monthly basis that although we see them once a week they want dd alone, to themselves.
We have let them take dd, on several occasions and they'd almost always do something I deem a little strange. Like feed her lots of lemon and take photos, show us and then wonder why she had a huge nappy rash (she was 6 months at the time), teach her that it's a great game to wrap rope around someone's neck and pull them around the room like a dog (aware this is just a bit of fun but it wasn't fun for dd when she got told off at play school for doing this to a younger child) these were typical things that they thought was suitable and when we mentioned that perhaps not such a great idea it was dismissed and told they're her grandparents they know how to look after her.
I don't think they are a danger to dd, they do love her, they also love dh and have caused a lot of damage and insecurity within him as a fully grown adult. I have real concerns that if I allow them to take my daughter as much as they wish, they will make her feel the same as he does and actually as I do around them.
I don't want to cut contact (ideally I'd see them far less) but I'm not sure how we establish a relationship when we all get together when it suits us all rather than feeling nervous everytime they message asking to take dd after seeing us at the weekend.
I'm aware I must sound petty but things have been strained and tough, they really have been such a huge amount of hard work and if I'm honest we as a family are so Much happier when they are on holiday or busy for a weekend. It's exhausting and the only way I can see it getting better is by moving away.
Any suggestions on how to set normal healthy boundaries?
Sorry for the rant. I don't want to drip feed!