Living with a sex addict

[Maggy1116]

Hi, DH and I have been having counselling for a while due to relationship problems, largely caused by his utterly emotionless attitude to sex. We have what we both describe as an 80%/20% relationship. 80% of it has been great - we are great at parenting together, we have been excellent friends, we get on very very well. But the 20% (sex) has been a disaster - he has basically spent the past 16 years treating me like a piece of meat, and I have put up with it, because he had no understanding whatsoever of what the problem was, and so I had to choose to put up with it or leave.
Through counselling, DH is beginning now to have some understanding of this. He has realised he is a sex addict - he has had a huge addiction to porn and has an addiction to being aroused as though it is a 'high'. He is devastated by this realisation (he had no idea he wasn't 'normal') and is appalled at the damage he has done to us. He would do anything to save us, to learn how to make love - as opposed to screw - someone.
But I am also devastated. I think I coped for many years by denying to myself it was happening (I did this so as to survive). I am so so hurt by what he has done and I feel I can never never let him anywhere near me ever again. This is not like any other addiction - it has implicated me and destroyed something in me as well as something in him, and I feel like I can never ever be attracted to him ever again.
And I am so so sad, because he has been my best friend and we have four children and I cannot see a way forward for the marriage under these circumstances.
Is there anyone out there whose relationship survived sex addiction?
Thank you

What martha said.

Ok, so whilst I appreciate that this is clearly an issue which people have strong opinions on(!), whether DH is a complete bastard or not is not really my point. What has happened has happened and has now stopped. My question is about me, not about him. How do I come to terms with the enormity of what has happened to me? It seems so monumental that I can't really get my head round it at all, and I don't know if it will take me years to assimilate - I don't know if I will be hit by it like a train, or if the worst is over and I will just gently learn to trust again. It all feels a bit surreal really - as though it is happening to someone else (and hating DH (or not) is not going to help me with this, it is just going to get in the way of working out how I feel).

Ok. So regardless of his motives, he has spent 16 years sexually abusing you and stripping you of your dignity and agency.
How do you move on from this? I think you need to leave him tbh. It's not really possible to heal from abuse whilst living with your abuser.

I think you heal from abuse by removing the abuser from your life.

You can't trust him again, you can't have a compatible happy healthy sexual life.

And from a different angle, he will never be happy sexually with you.

My love, it's not about his intention. It's the effect on you that actually matters. The vast majority of abusers don't recognise that they are abusing, they are just doing what they assume is the thing to do. It's the victims suffering that makes it abuse... not the intentions of the the abuser. I know that's not what you want to hear. .. I've been there unfortunately.

I would end the marriage. 16 years of abuse is too long. The structure of the marriage is predicated on abuse. It's not necessarily anyone's fault it just is what it is. It's habitual and foundational to the marriage... if you'd been together a year and worked out that this was the problem that's one thing. But 16 years? You can't undo that.

Get yourself into counselling. I'm sorry this happened to you. I wish you peace and healing.

You are right this is an enormous problem for you. There is a huge amount to get your head round. You really really need professional help on your own, from a specialist in this area.

You won't get a list of top tips on how to get over it from MN, or anywhere else.

Are you worried about seeing counsellor of your own?

My husband went to sex addicts anonymous after I discovered he had been looking up teen porn. I felt sick to my stomach and couldn't go near him for ages. He confessed he was watching it in the toilets at work (even when not on an allocated break). He is in alcoholics anonymous and his sponsor advised him to go to sex addicts anonymous for 6 weeks and then step up doing the work for the 12 steps in AA. His sponsor suggested that rather than being a 'sex addict' he is just an all round 'addict' and that the porn thing was a back door in to start drinking again. This all came out 3 years ago when I was 8 and a half months pregnant with our son. I had a few counselling sessions with my counsellor at the time and she advised not to make any knee jerk reactions which would cause instability whilst bringing a newborn into the world and also looking after my (then) 3 yr old daughter. She advised me just to concentrate on the most important relationship with my children as no matter what they will last a lifetime. I wanted to leave my husband but crumbled at the last minute to give it another go. This was because I had violently attacked him in the past (6 yrs ago) and he had given me another chance. I had a year of counselling after that and have never laid a finger on him since (I wanted to prove that I acknowledged that I had done something abusive, but that I was not an abuser - someone I think who would continue said behaviour with no acknowledgement of the damage). Anyway here we are 3 yrs after the teen porn incident and I still can't go near him, we both act like everything is OK, but clearly it's not. In all other respects he is a model husband and father and I think marriage / life etc doesn't have a blueprint but you just need to do what is right for you. I also know from experience that you can forgive, but you will never forget whether you stay together or not (based on other negative experiences with exes.)

My question is about me, not about him. How do I come to terms with the enormity of what has happened to me? It seems so monumental that I can't really get my head round it at all, and I don't know if it will take me years to assimilate - I don't know if I will be hit by it like a train, or if the worst is over and I will just gently learn to trust again.

I think your first step would be therapy. Your GP can refer you, but there's a waiting list. I would ask for therapy, not counselling, as you have so much to work through, but I'm no expert, and your GP should advise you.

On top of that, you could look online for some self compassion meditations (I've found several which are free, and take just five or ten minutes a time), and try to do one every day. It's surprising how helpful they can be.

Don't make any life-changing decisions until you've had several sessions with a therapist, as then you'll have a clearer picture of where you are.

Thank you to everyone who has replied.

I know this will be a long road, and I know it is one I need professional help with. I guess the point of coming on here to ask is that professional help and guidance isn't the same as friendship, and - as this is not exactly the kind of problem you share with other mums at the school gates(!) - it's quite lonely out here.

For the record, whilst I am still married (we have 4 children and have always been a strong family unit), I will never be able to have a physical relationship with DH again, and so I know we are on the road to separation. We just need to do this with as much damage limitation as possible to all of us. DH is a really good father and we both have a very strong relationship with the kids and we need to preserve as much of that as possible - it is not as simple as just walking away.

Thank you again to all who have replied and been supportive.

I think you will heal, you will learn to trust again. It will process, slowly. Unfortunately, the process won't start whilst he is around. Your brain is on high alert. You cannot trust your abuser and to your brain, this is what he is. Whatever reasonings he has, whatever the back story, you can't override your primal response to him.

If plans are in motion to split, make them as swift but stress free as possible, and expect it to hit you when he leaves.

Do remember that if this is a genuine reaction on his part, he will need to come to terms with all of it, and that means he'll need to stop excusing and protesting that he didn't know any different, and admit that he ignored you. He did not hear because he did not want to hear. If it comes after months of denying that, it could be rather shocking for you - so be ready.

All the best.

I have sent you a PM x

Hi, Maggie1116 and anyone else who has lived with relationship troubles caused by sex/porn addiction I'm seeking help for my mum (she isn't very tech savvy so I'm helping her). I'd love to get in contact if you would allow, I'm interested in creating a sort of support group or generally just finding people she could get in contact with, go for a drink or lunch if you're local enough or maybe just be able to talk online or over the phone/skype? She's struggling quite a lot recently as over the past year its come to light that my dad has this problem, she would love to be able to speak to women with the same problem as she's finding her friends are struggling to relate and so its hard to get the support she needs. If anyone could help I'd be so grateful, thanks

@OnTheRise... is there a difference between therapy and counselling?

Also, would you be able to post a link to the online self compassion meditation? It might help OP, and others.

OP, i can't imagine how devastated you must feel. You sound traumatised. Not surprising, as you've been through 16 years of this horrifying abuse. It's been sustained and systematic abuse at the hands of your husband, whether he was aware or not. Please be gentle on yourself. Journalling might help you name and make sense of these waves of feelings you will no doubt be dealing with now. Big hugs x