Decision made after 20 years of placing myself at the back.... Hand holding please

[Limahl]

First time post anywhere on web....
Just an empathetic girl really ..from a shouty, sibling proffered household.kind happy and loving but short tempered father, over bearing but" did her best mother" .(both parents had a hard life tbf..) again with the excuses !!
. This has continued into adulthood. Mother prefers siblings and their children to mine.. Not a big issue as prefer to keep at arms length .. Which is hard to do as live within 20 mile radius of each other..
DF died last year.. I was closest to him or ' his favoured ' child as my sisters frequently reminded.. Both DS have own issues that I try to step away from...

Have always been the 'peacemaker' often to my own MH detriment
DF death and now DM dementia has blown up issues that I couldn't fathom until my DF death...
Issues with my own 20 yr marriage... DH from terribly broken home.. Both in laws incredibly narcisstic .. DH has limited contact with both .

Infidelity throughout our marriage... Constantly telling myself that I can help..save whatever bullshit I can muster up to get through this thing called life... I am only blaming myself here... I do not need assurances or rebuttals of 'should have left sooner etc... I know this...

Thing is ...an affair at the time my DF was ill/ death I cannot get past.( only now I hear you all cry..)?!
.plus since counselling only a couple of times as ' can't afford' .. He has very well paid job...
still 3-5 inappropriate phone/ twitter etc
convo's with other women/ present buying for supposed 'Twitter friends' .. ( can't believe I actually typed that one).. To a perfume stinking shirt shoved in a bag... ( DH told me about it ... ' she just hugged me... Twice...😅😅 last wk... Just before Father's Day ... You couldn't make it up!!

What I'm here for is someone to tell me That I'm not alone ...( sadly feel the worlds biggest fool... Not blaming upbringing as my 2 Dc' s could be here doing same in 20years time...and my heart breaks with that thought as I am a professional in a caring and MH field so yes should know all about the shit that I am bringing

Thing is I'm a supportive women to friends/ colleagues/ job role....always trying to see the positive / good in people.. Knowing that it isn't the best trait to have

Told DH last night that I've had enough... Have said before and just gone along... I drink too much since DF and DH activities ( been lurking on brave bus) so why would he believe me this time?

My older DC is also very empathetic ... My concern is I do not want history to repeat with her as my heart breaks when she asks me" is everything ok with you n daddy"

He is a great dad... Whist writing that I believe it... In spite of above text....

Don't know where to go from here .. Can't see for tears but I can't do another 20 years of this crap.... The 'girl ' I was is still there ... Somewhere....
Don't want my DC to be so completely fucked by their mums inability to just leave and do the right thing for ME...... And them...

So much more history that iv never told anyone at all so wouldn't be good to unload here ... I've had counselling in past but the look on the face of them whilst pouring it all out filled me with such dread that I didn't go back....
The shame of the words and constant infidelity was too much to bear as I know it is not acceptable on any level...

Ok... Ready for it.....

Infidelity throughout our marriage

I stopped at this OP. What are you doing? Get out and save yourself ... there's a big wide world out there beyond cheating bastards

You're on the way OP
You said it in your title - Decision made

That's the hardest bit. You can and will cope. You've obviously got a lot of shit to deal with but you can do it.

You are not alone. You have my hand.

I'll hold your hand Limahl

You have taken the first step

Your life, your choices, you know you deserve a hell of a lot better than this waste of a man.

Thank you Oh No and Aging ... Have gotten this far 😊will persevere with finding ME..
I will step back again from family and concentrate on me n my DC's .. Shielding seems to be my forte

Baby steps
Find one thing a day/week to do just for you. Something really, really small but that you wouldn't do normally, eg:
buy a newspaper and read it with a cup of coffee / tea
watch half an hour of trash tv on your own
buy some nail varnish
buy a ready-made meal that is only for you.

the trick is to get into the mindset of doing stuff that YOU want to do.

Go for it OP. Writing that down must have been so hard. No judgment, just let yourself be happy instead of everyone else for a change

I did it after twenty years. Friends told me I was strong. Truth is I didn't have the strength to stay. Best decision I ever made, scary, terrifying,daunting...but the chance for a new start, of freedom is a gift I embrace every day. There was only misery with him, now there is so many opportunities to grab. You can do it too. Good luck

Iv done it, I finally left him.huge input from women's Aid, school safeguarding and SS. I am now sitting in my own place, my own key, am happy and content in my new/old job.. bereft as my 10 yr old refuses to speak to me as I have 'hurt Dady too much'
I remain resolute and so grateful to all the services that have gotten me this far .. am hopeful for our future

I think a good dose of self compassion will help, and a realisation that everyone has come before you.

I totally understand the need to go, but make sure you have sorted out boundaries for yourself going forward as you are an empath.

Good luck!

He won’t change but you can. Change him for another life. Good luck x

Empty out all of his accounts and go nuts! Well, ok maybe don't do that but book yourself on a glorious retreat or some other pampering indulgent thing and really break out. Start saying No whenever you don't want to do something no matter to whom.

June 2016 thread

Really glad to see your update OP but very sad about your 10 year old. Is your child living with you?

I realise it's an old thread Willow, however, I have made significant steps since first post, reading similar threads on here have been instrumental in my leaving.
Iv just spent a wonderful evening with my eldest daughter, time is the only thing I can give my other daughter.
He has made things extremely difficult due to the complexity of control and coercion but I remain resolute.
Thank you all for the kind words.

This is brilliant to read - well done to you and I wish you every happiness going forward.

Thank you Love, It has been a tough path to tread, I can finally breathe now and have immense hope for the future,