hand hold please. Its over :(

[SantanaBinLorry]

Tried to name change, but could figure out how to. Im a bit of a mess.

Today I had to face the.reality that the dream of a different life abroad is over, given it a go for three years, but its just not sustainable.
We made the move and the plan was for my husband to work remotely from the uk and.slowly set himself up freelance. I have been a sahm/homeschooler. In the last six months he got himself sacked from uk job, caused himself an ingury which lost him a physical job here. He has aspergers and his mental heath has deteriorated. He cant provide for us any longer. His his eyes this is all my fault because I make his life so difficult (only ever expected him to do fair share, no more) Ive been blames for everthing. and now we are in finacial ruin.
Me and the kids will be coming back to the uk before the end of the summer.
I have nothing, no qualifications, no money. And my own mental health is.starting to slide. (ive been there before PTSD due to CSA at primary school)
Im devastated. Its the kids last day of school tomorrow and they wont be going back in September. I cant believe ill be takung them away from their home, school, friends. They are doing so well fluent in their new language settled, thriving and happy.
I'll not get any benefits.for six months. Ill have to live with my parents in the town where I was abused. I cant even bring myself to think about having to put the kids in a school in a uniform which is a massive trigger for me.
Ive let them down so badly. Im a digrace to femanism. I relied on a man to support me. What a fool I have been.
The kids will be home soon, they will see ive been crying. Dont know how Im going to tell them that we will be moving, and all our plans for the summer and beyond are cancelled.
Just need to vent, been so lonley and isolated here.
Its gonna be ok isnt it?
Gah, dont know where to start to make things right for them.
if you're still reading, thanks.

OP sorry to derail
Can you tell more about aspergers symptoms and what are his aspergers melt downs?How and what happens?

LadyStarkOfWinterfell My thoughts so, if it ever came to that. And yes, I could never know for certain, but he is very predictable. Pressue usually results in inaction, not reaction. He'd probably have to ask me to find the number of the police for him rembers being in labour and having to find the mid-wifes number for him

Bails2014 Thank you. Im so proud of them they are amazing.
Ive no doubt he'll find work eventually, he's incredibly talented at what he does. Its the not knowing when that I cant live with. Ive supported him to work from home as he wanted to be really hands on with the kids. But the reality is he cant juggle the two. He has no time management/organisational skills, so gets distracted easily. Or spends 16 hours non stop in the office.
We've talked and rowed amd talked, but he's deep in defence mode now and unable to accept help. Not from me anyway. He reads every emotion as happiness or anger. He cant tell that im upset, or worried, or tierd, or anxious. Just Angery. Its horrible being told im angry when I've spent hours helping him with his work adminy stuff, or deciphering a pitch, when it's really just mild frustration.
Having the Irlen test/prescription should help him in the long run. But I have to deal with the now. I hope for him aand the kids he improves, he's desperately unhappy.

princessmi12 - no worries, ot derailing really. Chatting through all of this is helping me. With my husband, Sensory processing plays a big part. If he has had a particularly busy day (a relatively normal day for most) with lots of stimuli, he becomes very tierd very quickly. He can get snappy and he loses perception of his volume or how fast he is talking. I often get bombarded with whatever is going through his mind, like he needs to get it out, whether im intersted, I understand or its actually practical for me to listen. He is almost impossible to calm down. If I try to get him to slow/quieten down, its almost instantly taken as an attack. Sometimes I can talk him down, sometimes he gets louder and louder and I have to walk away/move the children away (this sometimes makes him worse). He can get himself so worked up that he's red faced and foaming, he sometimes falls to the floor shaking and crying. Its awaful to witness and can happen quite quickly. He will need to sleep or rest afterwards.
The last one he had was when we were going on holiday for a few days with my folks, and he just couldnt handle the business of the house and the extra people around, and he lost it because he nearlyeft the house without his own suit case and my mum tutted and rolled her eyes.
Sometimes it builds over a few days leading up to an event that he k ows he will find difficult (school play for example) he'll get through it, but will break down the day after, and need to sleeep for a day afterwards.
I can usually see it coming, and sometimes protect him from extra pressure. Other times it can come from seemigly no-where.

General symptoms are communication difficulties, not understanding nuance in language. Not being able to read people correctly. Bad organisation/time management.
He is very honest, sometimes to the point t of rudness, and doesn't understand how people can lie or cheat. I justices affect him deeply, be it personal or something on the news etc.

^injustices

god, I wish there was spell checker on mn!

Are you able to talk /discuss your concerns or is it a case of opening can of worms and you pretend everything is okay just to avoid agro? Because everything will be perceived as confrontation?

Rational discussions are few and far between. We didnt start the relationship knowing he was AS. It was only as family life became more demanding that his difficulties became more apparent. So unfortunately it was my frustrations that brought everything to a head. Maybe if we/I had known at the beginning I would have been able to be more patient and understanding... too late now. My reactions in the first few years with the babies has stuck with him. He finds it almost impossible to see things from my point of view.
Like I said earlier, we both have such complex issues surrounding abusive childhoods. One of my main issues (aside from the actual abuse)is that I was not listened too or heard by the people caring for me, and I was labelled over emotional and too sensitive. When he doesn't/can't/won't hear me or my point of veiw it takes me right back. I can phrase things in a hundred different ways to try and explain my self, but his instant defensiveness is hard to deal with.

Its ironic really as his emotional ussues are not to dissimilar to mine, he too was not heard or listend too. He was neglected and left to struggle. The difference is I sought help through therapy and rebuilt my relationship with my family, and they were/are truly apologetic that they missed my abuse, and I now understand why and how they did and have found myself able to forgive. My husband parents, especially his mum are in complete denial that he is autistic, they wont even entertain the idea. This causes him more termoil than the condition its self.

Just waved the kids off for their last day of school and Im so heartbroken. They know nothing yet, and Ill be spending the next few weeks covering up the truth of what will be happening. They will be gutted. They LOVE their school.
Im so so sad.

Children are more robust than you might imagine, if I were you I would try to get them into a school near to your parents that wasn't the same one that you went to? In term of adjustment I think them being in school will be easier for them than not.

Regards your PTSD could you sign up for some CBT on return to the UK? to try to prevent projecting?

Kids finished today and brought home glowing reports. My eldests teacher gave me a big hug and made me cry. School have been aware of husbands failing mental health and have been brilliant in supporting the kids and me.
I havnt de-registered them, I guess Im hoping husband pulls something out of the bag before September job wise.
His parents have said they will pay rent for the. ext few months. Ill still be returning to the uk once kids passpprt sorted. So husband will have 8 weeks alone to get his shit together.
Best case scenario, he gets a job and counselling, and we return home. Im prepared to do couples counselling, but only if he puts in some personal work first.
Worst case... I rerurn without the kids to help pack up the house. And start rebuilding mine and the kids life in the uk.

youshouldcancelthecheque you're right, I know. And its what i'd say to a friend going through the same. Its just the life style is sooo different. From diet to bed times, they have freedoms here we just can't offer them in the uk It will take some adjustments for all of us. They will do better than me, as they have done adjusting here. Im dreading the cold and the dark. The kids havent even got bloody winter coats

Ive been looking into joining a support group (I dont really rate cbt) when Im back and have been in contact with the therapist who treated me for PTSD. Hopefully, although she wont be able to see me, she can point me in the right direction. Having grandparents for child care will mean I will be able to somethings for myself that ive let slide over the last few years. I can take a yoga/ meditation class, go swimming on my own etc, all have helped in the past.
Ive been a full-time homeschooler/stay at home mum for 8 YEARS!!! Thats a bloody long time.

Stop putting yourself down OP, you have been a SAHM and a homeschooler, you have more transferable skills than you even realise x

Santana, so sorry to hear what you’re going through. We’re in a similar situation but without the health problems, can’t imagine how tough it must be for you. We lived in DH’s home country and returned to the UK this year after things really really didn’t work out for us. You might be able to get some benefits sooner, eg have to wait 3 months for Child Benefit but there are lots of exemptions and workarounds. Read the Benefits section on gov.uk carefully, if you used to make and sell stuff, that would count as being self-employed. Start that again now, if only in name.

Speak to the local authority re school places for DCs – it might be that there aren’t places at the school you’d rather avoid and they’ll be placed somewhere else anyway. I was so worried about how my DCs would cope with the switch to the UK system but it’s been fine, their school has been so supportive and kids are more resilient than you think. I’d recommend at least introducing the idea to them now so they have time to get used to it. It sounds like your situation there is unsustainable and will worsen your MH issues. Make sure you’ve got details like your NHS number to hand so you can see a GP asap and have your parents register you at their home address now so you’ll be able to provide proof of address when you get back.

I also feel so angry and disappointed in myself, I feel like I’m a failure and I really regret some of the choices we have made even though at the time they seemed like the right decisions. Try not to be so hard on yourself, would you judge someone who had started a business that didn’t work out? This is kind of the equivalent to that. It sounds from the details in your posts that despite a very challenging set of circumstances you’ve worked your butt off to do the best for your kids and you should be very proud of that. You can do this and things will work out ok.

I'm very sorry for your situation OP but please do listen to MrsBertBibby about the law. Ignorance is no defence and the worst that can happen is not you being ordered to return. There is a very real chance you would go to prison for kidnap. Google the Hague Convention. There are women (and men) stuck all over the world because their Ex won't consent to them returning home with their UK born children.
You need to find a way to get his written consent to you taking the children home. Or you need to go to court.
I'm so sorry for you.

coco1810 Thank you Ive tried to keep this in my head as I've gone along. I've half jokingily called myself A Home and Family Finance, Admin and Education Manager when people have asked what I do. Mainly those who assume 'House Wife' But you're right,I could spin a good cv if I had to.

Obsidian77 Sorry you too have faced this. I understand that feeling of failure. The decisions we made felt so right at the time, and were well researched. Anyone that really cares about us will not judge, but there will be a certain amount of 'told you so' from some people..Ill just have to brush these.aside.
Its good to here you kids have settled well and quickly..Thanks for the advice re: bens, Registration at my mums and NHS number... i'll get on that asap.

How you doing over here hun? waves any news?

Sammyhb Waves back, thanks for checking in.
Ive been reading and running lately for you x Start of the hols and husband in uk, so no time to post.

Some developments, but nothing solid yet, so still up in the air and fairly anxious. Husband in uk for specialist eye test, that was today. His dad sat in on the appointment, and was swayed by the 'science' and has finally accepted that he is autistic. This will make a massive difference to my husband being able to accept and fully embrace,so thats good.

We've been communicating better with the distance. I think when he returns we should start facebook messaging each other from different rooms

Financially, well, still the same at the moment. We are in quite the unique position of not being in any debt. We've never had credi/loans which has meant we have never been able to get credit/loans from our UK bank. But after speaking to some locals, it appears the Spanish banks are a lot more generous... so i've applied for a loan, and its been accepted! This will give us a (very small) amount if breathing space.

It could be that husband returns to the Uk to find work there. Any work. The freelance dream is on hold. It took my folks (who collected him from airport).and his folks telling him that it was no longer feasible to put so much work into something with so little rerurn. Hearing it from others has sunk in (ggggrr)
So, he's looking for uk based work. The reality is he needs a job with a wage by September for us to stay here.
Also, I rent rooms occasionally in house air bnb stylee, but Its kinda been under the radar,.as our landlord, although ok with it, has preferred it not to be openly advertised (mainly so the neighbours don't/can't complain. But Im going to push that a bit more. And although MASSIVELY out of my comfort zone, i'll be doing a TFEL course online from a friend who has said I can pay later. This should be an easy earner for me, so we'll see how that goes.

My folks have offered to pay for flights later in the summer, when we are a bit clearer as to where my husband will be work wise. So a break will do all of us the world of good.
Our living costs here are a fraction of what they would be in the UK, so now husband is on his way out of Aspie defence mode, doing EVERYTHING.we can to stay herw, even if that means living separately for a while, then thats what we'll do. We totally escaped the poor trap of tax credits etc by moving here. Can't face going back to that, certainly not now after bloody brexit!

Wow so lots of progress then and you two working things out by the sound of It? You sound a lot more positive, really happy for you