DP, alcohol and parental capacity

[windygales]

My DP and I have 2 young kids. 3yo and 1yo. I'm struggling, I work part time and find it all hardwork. I've been poorly too, just heavy cold.
We went to family BBQ yesterday, I drove. DP drank. He was a pain getting the kids to bed and so took the 1yo downstairs so I could get the 3yo to sleep.
It took a while but I can't downstairs, he had fallen asleep and 1yo was helping herself to my handbag and looked like she'd be left unsupervised for a bit. He was asleep in the chair.
This isn't the first time.
He has form for drinking too much.
I think I need to leave him.
Would you?

To me the one incident you describe isn't a big deal. Annoying and frustrating but absolutely nowhere near enough to break up an otherwise unhappy family

windygales

re your comment:-
"We've an awful relationship. No affection. Arguing all the time"

Putting aside his drink problem for a second, the above is enough to end the relationship altogether. You only have to give your own self permission to leave.

They always feel awful afterwards but actions speak louder than words and he may simply be telling you what you want to hear.

What do you get out of this relationship now? Is this really what you want to teach your children about relationships; that an affectionless and argumentative relationship could become their norm too?. You're showing them that currently at least all this is acceptable to you on some level.

If you are spending a lot of time thinking about splitting up from you drunken arse of a husband then it is quite likely you do need to split up.

What are you going to do?

Unequivocally a yes to leave, will only get worse I am afraid to say X

Yes I want to leave and I suppose I'm waiting for a reason. (But remain in the EU) sorry not funny.

Mmm how to start ? I just don't know. I don't want to admit to anyone in RL

We've an awful relationship. No affection. Arguing all the time

You want to leave and the relationship sounds dreadful. It is easier for the children if the parents separate when they are young and definitely much better than witnessing the parents fight all the time. Also you will be happier and that will reflect on how you parent your children.

How you do it? Well there will be wiser heads than me to come along and advise you.

You could start by contacting al anon. Seeking practical info on housing, benefits, money. Gathering documents in a safe place. Attend counselling (you might be able to get this free, eg if you tell your GP you're in an emotionally abusive relationship with a mean drunk and hope to leave)!and give him some other pretext why. Perhaps telling a close friend the situation. None of this commits you to any decision but could make it easier if / when you do leave.

My friend did some of this and then had a big wobble for a year or so, feeling guilty and hoping he'd change (he'd promised this yet again, no change). She left when her eldest DC began to behave badly at school and to speak to her as their father did.

OP first off I'm feeling your pain over the situation. for you.

Second, I may have a warped attitude to drinking whilst in charge of children. For me it's a big fat No No. When my Dc were small Dh had a drink problem. Nothing happened. Phew. I was like a tiger mamma around the Dc. You see, my mum was an alcoholic around us growing up . For me, the oldest sibling from 8yrs until she died when I was 55yrs old. I virtually became responsible for my sister then aged 5 and my brother aged 2-2/3 days a week. I used to get her home on a Thursday at midnight drunk with siblings in tow. Once my dad was driving the bus. His anger was palpable. I thought he blamed me! He got home at 1:30 am, pulled her out of the bed and battered her. This scenario repeated itself week after week, year after year until he died in 1983.I still have issues because of all of this shite behaviour. Growing up it was a litany of embarrassment at family/social occasions. 11yr old friends informing me my mum was falling out of the pub drunk etc. The only social gathering she didn't turn up drunk to was her funeral. I stated this fact at the church whilst waiting for her coffin. All 3 of us siblings guffawed. Death stares from the rest of the family.

I'm not going to say "LTB", but I know how crap we three as adults have grown up emotionally retarded. For the sake of yourself and your Dc think long & hard about this negative behaviour. My mum's behaviour helped my dad into an early grave. He dropped down dead with a stress induced coronary aged 45. He never knew what he'd go home to. She died 4yr go. Her legacy is still affecting us as we approach old age. BTW , I'm not excusing his shitty behaviour towards the problem. Our family en masse covered this up. Today SS would most likely be involved.

It's always difficult in these situations to know whether the relationship is awful regardless of the drinking or whether the drinking is causing the problems within the relationship. As a one off this behaviour would concern me but not be enough to leave. As a pattern of behaviour it's of much more concern. Op you're having counselling - is that relationship counselling? If so, I would suggest that if you have concerns about your dh's drinking as a pattern of behaviour then relationship counselling is not what you need in the first instance. If his drinking really is a problem (the fact that you've posted tells me that you believe it is) then he needs to resolve that before you even begin looking at your 'together' relationship.

I speak with some experience. Dh went to alcohol counselling a couple of years ago because he finally recognised it was that which was driving us apart. Having received that counselling and working at it together I can honestly say we've never been happier and we both realise how much of a role alcohol had in our relationship problems before. I mean we've both always loved each other immensely and believed our relationship was worth fighting for but it has come as quite an epiphany just how different things now are, much for the better.

It's been quite a journey though - he's had a 'blip' but our approach is entirely more open than before. If he's struggling with stress (his issue was self medication for anxiety) he speaks to me. We both know the warning signs and have to be vigilant. But for us it's worth the effort. He's never been a fall asleep drunk person and I'd say he was very high functioning but that doesn't make the associated problems any less.

How is his drinking a problem for you? How often does this happen? What's his reaction if/ when you approach the subject? Each situation is different op and without knowing the detail it's difficult to offer more advice.