Divorcing: Have to choose between going for the money or preserving some cordiality with STBXW

[OnTheBr1nk]

Not sure if others have been in this situation, but I am going through a separation and my STBXW is really adamant on how she wants the financial split to happen. The terms she is proposing would put me at quite a disadvantage and are basically unfair. She feels that she deserves to get more than me, partly because she feels hard done by and angry with me (even though the split was mutual: no major incident or drama, just a growing apart) but chiefly because I have two living parents who will at some stage die and leave me money. She has no living family, so this is not going to happen for her.

I am torn on how to proceed. I have always wanted our split to be as cordial as possible, and for our kids to feel that we are not at each others' throats. The money issue could well torpedo all that, as she has stated that if I choose to 'get lawyers involved' (whatever that means) then it's all going to get really nasty and she's going to fight with everything she can. I really feel it would get expensive, drawn-out, and mean.

So...do I just accept her terms? I would still get a decent amount but she is essentially asking me to just leave her with sole ownership of the family home we bought together, without her either having to 'buy me out' up front or split the equity if/when it eventually sells in the future. Might I end up spending £X (on legal fees) just to get £X from the divorce split, and therefore bring a lot of misery and stress into my life for no real purpose/reward?

Oh yeah, I was going to sum up with "GO TO YOUR SOLICITOR!!".

I stand by that

Thank goodness (in my case at least) that future inheritances have nothing to do with it.

YY to legal advice.

With 23 years left on the mortgage maybe you should let her have it, but seek legal advice first.

I agree if there's 23 years left maybe you are better off letting her get on with it.
But..... it would depend on deposit put down and how much of that you did and how much she did.
With kids 50:50 this should really be a no brainer but just get a free half hour with a solicitor to make sure you aren't agreeing to anything you shouldn't be.

As lots of people have said, you need to make an appointment to see a solicitor.

The starting point is a 50/50 split but this is generally altered to make sure it is fair to both parties, in favour of the financially most vulnerable person.

As she is the higher earner, and you will share custody of the children equally, it is possible you will be awarded more than 50% to allow you to house yourself adequately and so on.

It doesn't necessarily have to be 50% of the savings account, equity and pension. You might prefer to let her have the house/equity in exchange for the lion's share of the savings for example.

Every situation is different and £2-300 spent on a couple of hours with a solicitor will pay dividends if it helps you to understand your legal position.

You should encourage your DW to see a solicitor too. They will want a fair outcome and will advise her accordingly. Afterwards you may find her to be more realistic and reasonable.

You will not pay maintenance if you are caring for the children for 50% of the time.

Unless I'm very much mistaken, you are the main carer for your children, and your earning capacity has taken a hit to accommodate their carecand her career.

You would be insane to agree to what she's offering.

See a solicitor.

It may well be that you get to keep the primary residence and get more than 50% of assets.

Do your sums and get a file of paperwork backing it up together. Based on those, work out what you think would be fair to you, your STBXW and kids - including child care she'll need with you now not doing wraparound for kids. Then mediation with you having a flexible financial aim in mind. If you can agree after that, you could go for a DIY divorce. Find out the average cost of going to court - might be worthwhile pointing this out.

What makes you think giving in to her demands will keep her sweeter in future?

In my experience, people who offer up implied or direct threats will continue to do so at every given junction. What happens now won't prevent that from happening in future.

Mediation. If she refuses to cooperate so no agreement is reached, you go to a solicitor. You'll regret it later if you don't.