I think I want to leave dp, but I am not too sure

[pinkprincess]

Half of me wants to stay, but the other half does not. I love my dp so much, and have always believed I will spend the rest of my life with him. He feels the same way. But I am so fed up with the way he treats me. He just can not let us remain happy. He argues with me over things that have no real significance. When we do argue, it is so heated that it feels like we are on the verge of breaking up.

I have looked up other threads on here, where other mothers have been in the same situation as me. The good does outweigh the bad. I have never felt this way about anyone. But the way he treats me sometimes makes me wonder if he does really love me, and I get so paranoid that maybe he does not or maybe I am just not making him happy anymore.

I feel so lost

If you love each other so much and both want to spend the rest of your lives together you are at least on the same side! Does he acknowledge that there are problems? Do you talk about things like this? Would couselling help?

oh pink princess {{hug{}}}

Not sure what to say apart from don't make any hasty decisions. If half wants to stay there must be some good left in the relationship.

That doesnt help much I know but I'm thinking of you

maybe counselling will help you both to sort stuff out. Keep posting here for support. I'm sure it will be helpful to "talk" it through.

i do not think dp will be happy about the counselling idea, but I could run it by him. He does know what he is like, but it does not change how he is. Neither of us can understand why he is the way he is, but I do not know if there is a reason he is not telling me.

I agree that sometimes love is not enough, if it doesn't make you happy.

But since you do both love each other, it would be great to try as hard as possible to make the relationship what you want it to be before you resort to giving up.

I agree with trying counselling. They are not just there to help people who are on the point of splitting - they also counsel people who want to make a good relationship better.

If one day you have to explain to your kids why you are not with their Dad any more, you need to be able to say that you did everything in your power to stay together.

He may have some deep-seated unhappiness even he can't identify or understand. Counselling will help him to unravel this, and learn ways of dealing with it for the future, to stop it getting in the way of his happiness and yours.

I just spoke to dp. He was telling me his day, and I was quite bored, but then he started to joke, which I did not think was appropriate so I was not in the mood to talk. He got angry with me, and so has stormed out.

pinkprincess, some arses aren't interested in councelling. How 'bout yours?

i doubt it, but he has just really upset me now. he just does not take anything seriously

just a thought pp.. is he bored? i only say that because if he is generating arguements for no reason, it strikes me that he's trying to add some drama to the relationship.
Don't know what the answer is tho-maybe you need to have some timeout (either away from each other so you realise what you are missing, or together with no kids - so you realise what you had?)
Good luck- I'm sure you can work at it.

i asked him that but he said no he is not bored

pink princess,
I recognise myself a lot in what you write. I love my dh a lot and he loves me deeply, but we argue like hell. I have been on the verge of breaking up with him sooooooo often. Sometimes I cannot believe what an a**e he can be.

We argue over silly things really (very silly) but it degenrates. He shouts like a mad and once he scared so much our baby daughter that she clinged herself to my chest for the afternoon and would not let go. I hated him for that.
I have to say that we are managing better now. We have talked a lot. I wanted to do couselling but he was not so keen ().

Anyway through endless talking (quite exhausting actually) I have managed to see things from his perspective and how he feels wounded by certains behaviours of mine, things that I do not do intentionally at all but really upset him, undermine him, make him believe that I do not respect him.

I do not believe anyway that certains reactions of his are justified at all (they are completely disproportioned), but at least I have managed to be better aware of what not to do, and understand why certain behaviours of mine upset him so much - things which most people would not notice at all really, but he does, so I try to avoid. And I even simpathyse with his feelings.

I felt very lost as well, and very very frustrated - but what he needs is a lot of compassion and warmth and when I am able to provide them he is a truly loving man.

just been talking to him again and he really really winds me up!! he will not listen to me, i am just talking to myself at the end of the day!!

a piece of very cheeky advice.

Once, in a comedy from the 50s, a mother told her doaughter that the most effective way to deal with a husband was to treat him like a dog. And this is meant in a nice way - talkim to him affectionately, patting him and so on, be very very sweet but never taking him very seriously.

I do not remember the title of the moovie. I have to say, I followed this advice out of frustration a couple of times. And it worked.

We also love each other very much but spend the time discussing about stupid little things, things like forgetting to close the staircase door and then I found DS crawling in to them, left the door open and the dog was almost runover by a truck. I live stressed and after so many stupid discussions, Ibelieve that being together just bring the worst on both of us, he is not going to stop being so distracted, I'm not going to stop to worry, I would like to leave but it breaks my heart to break his... But I have already noticed that my stress levels are drastically reduced when he is away, I feel like a better person when he is not around. Obviously there are other things about our relationship making me think in divorce, but is the day to day that I find extenuating...

... but I suggest a visit to Relate, even if your DH doesn't want to go with you, they can provide advice in how to deal with those situations.

I got so worn down with constant arguing with dp - frequently mindless, pointless and never constructive - that I finally asked him to move out two and a half months ago. Most of our rows have been triggered by his drinking btw, so may be very different situation. Anyway, in general I think it was the best thing to do. He has behaved better than at any time since dd was conceived, far more involved, takes things seriously etc. He says he didn't know what he had until I took it away from him. We are going to our first counselling session on Monday - he is not as keen as me (I don't think men in general are) but accepts that we need help if we are ever to get to the bottom of whether we can make our relationship fulfilling for both of us. The main thing is that I did not chuck him out to end the relationship, just to stop the daily torture that it had become and to give us some space to see what we BOTH wanted to do about it.

I used to have this with my DH. He used to react just like you say... i used to think we were on the verge of divorce and he would act as if this was a normal way to have a relationship. Sometimes how we have been brought up can effect our view of a normal relationship. If someones parents have always have heated rows etc. Speak to him and tell him how much this upsets you and see if you can get him to tone things down ... hope this helps a bit....