I'm a terrible person, can't cope with caring anymore

[NowhereToRun]

I should be happy. I'm pregnant after multiple IVFs and multiple losses, but no chance to enjoy that because I have to care for my DF (dementia) and DP (diabetes complications, latest being chronic leg ulcers). DP currently off work because leg tissue so badly damaged. Needs frequent dressing changes each day (every two hours minimum) but he can't do this himself because of other chronic pain and GP surgery are having difficulty recognising/providing for this. I'm worried sick for him, he was in hospital last year with something similar and wound management as an inpatient was dire. This year the wound is worse. He's refusing to go to hospital because of last year's appalling treatment but can't care for himself at home .

I've managed to hand over much of what I do for DF to the LA-provided carers, but they are cheapest agency and struggling to get them to follow care plan. Lots of complaints and monitoring required, but no other agency will take on DF's needs as can't accommodate the number/timing of visits required. There are things I haven't yet been able to hand over (meeting social worker this week to try and get the ball rolling on that - long battle, carer's assessment request submitted initially in December last year, only happening now because I said I was refusing to provide the care I do any longer, duty of care, vulnerable adult etc). There are some things I can't hand over to anyone (accompaniment to medical investigation appointments).

So I work full time, doing an average of 5 hours' overtime a week to make up for lost time spent on attending appointments for myself, DP and DF. I spend 2-3 evenings a week and most of Saturday with DF, and the rest of the time doing what I can for DP.

I'm totally exhausted, at the end of my tether, snapping at the people I love the most and want to care for. I have awful insomnia, a desperate need to have time to myself and to feel loved and looked after and feel so selfish for this and I just want to run away from it all. I really struggle with social commitments at the best of times (online aspergers tests have been very revealing and insightful) but my coping mechanisms are burnt out .

Sorry for the long post, I have no-one I can say this to and just needed to get it off my chest.

Sorry for the really late reply, I closed my eyes for a couple of minutes when I got in from work, and woke up four hours later

Thanks everyone for your posts, they're all really helpful and I'm so glad I posted here last night/this morning. I'm feeling a lot better after some decent sleep and a bit of food, and DP and I have had a chat about a lot of the things I've been bottling up. I feel really bad for always being on at him about the things he hasn't done, because he really does do so much - much more than I could if I had his problems. He does all the cooking, sorts out the dishes, the clothes washing, keeping the kitchen clean, the driving and ad hoc shopping (when his leg isn't bad) - and my contribution is to pay for a cleaner to go over the house once a week. I really need to recognise this more. He says he's going to work on his self-care, and we talked about how he can get the most of out his nurse appointment on Wednesday.

Bishop that place you linked to looks brilliant. We're West Midlands-way so it's a bit far but if things still look dicey once the antibiotics are finished I might give them a call and see if there is anything they could do say over skype or a one-off appointment.

No tissue viability referral this time Burning, though they did do this with his initial flare-up last year and he had his veins dopplered and was prescribed compression socks. Again, his back made wearing these difficult which I think contributed to the present flare-up. I'm sorry your DH sounds so similar to mine, if we didn't love them so much we could have a lovely new patio each! Sorry, black sense of humour today :) I hope you can persuade DH to see the GP about his fingers, that sounds a bit worrying.

Don't it's as a pp says - the more you do, the more they'll let you, so no district nurse referral. The Gp surgery nurses didn't seem to believe him when he told them how quickly the pads were saturating. DP assures me he believes it's starting to slow down a bit now, so hopefully the abs are doing their job. He only has two more days on them.

Thank you again to everyone, I've read all your posts and taken everything to heart. I needed to hear a lot of what was said on this thread, and I do appreciate so much you all responding to me. Thank you

You sound wonderful, and both your dad and your dp are lucky to have you.

I don't know how helpful this might be, but my mum used to dress my grandmother's ulcers with honey. They weren't as bad as your dp's sound though. Maybe it'll help when it's more under control anyway.

You are a very strong woman, and I hope you get through this dark time quickly. Your dp sounds like he may up his game for a short time and then you'll have to shout at him again. I hope that isn't how it is.

Stop being a martyr.

Your baby needs you now... and the next 20 years

No, you are not a terrible person!

You sound loving and caring...

Just somewhere in your life they fucked you up.

DON.T LET THEM DEFINE YOUR LIFE OR YOUR FUTURE!

Nowhere please get straight onto your district nurses rather than the GP and make them aware just how bad they are. He shouldn't be doing them himself so often of they are that bad. Also if he is struggling to get up etc, is he doing the proper a sceptic non touch technique with the dressing changes and hand washing? This is a major thing in wound care- clean environment for the dressings etc.

Also has he been referred to vascular or is he under them if the wound is chronic and non healing?

My personal worries would be signs of infection, why there so wet, why there not healing etc. Surely if they're so wet to me I'd be looking at bandaging and other options etc. I noticed you mentioned compression stockings- has he ever had the compression bandaging or a doppler done? Mention these concerns to tissue viability and they should put a care plan in place. It sounds as if your husband requires the help of district nurses. Although they do sometimes need a GP referral, often or not you can phone and discuss this.

Diabetic ulcers are serious and I'd be concerned in someone so young. It will lead to one thing after another.

I have a lot of sympathy for you, especially now you're pregnant. You're doing a grand job but you need to look after you and baby. Contact your own GP and ask for advice and reiterate everything you've done on here.

You don't always get help unless you ask for it. I've had a recent op done where I have an open wound which is very deep. At first I was expected to go to a dressing clinic however after discussing with my own district nurses due to pain and me being so restricted, they are visiting me twice a day as it needs it. I felt guilty and awful because I'm classed as being so young. However I've not been out the house for over a week due to pain and being limited- I can't drive and walking too far at the moment is hard. My team have been brilliant. But I had to make my worries clear.

All the best. I'll keep an eye on this thread and look forward to reading your updates. Xxx

I feel for you OP. It's a perfect storm of needs that present as being fill-able only by you. No wonder you are at the end of your resources.

Re your dad and dementia. Even though he's not in late stage dementia, it doesn't follow that h ecant go to residential care. If his care needs now are such that only one scarcely adequate agency can sort of meet them, then what is the next step when his care needs increase a step, which they will? You won't be able to take up the slack, because you have hit the buffers with what you can do and are having a baby.

I would suggest discussing with social services the option of a planned move to residential, initially as respite but with a view to permanant domicilary care. It's a lengthy process, so the sooner you get it going the better. It took a me weeks and weeks of daily polite pestering to get attention, but my elderly is now safe and in a good placement. I pushed hard on the basis that when she next had a fall or illness or other crisis there was no capacity to increase care and that she would suffer and probably end up with an avoidable long term hospital admission, and that nobody wanted this.

It's crucially important to be clear with adult social care services about what you can reasonably and sustainably do. Being a hero will help no one and do your dependants a disservice, because it will break you.

I wish you all the best.

Now I've got more time to respond I'll expand.
I'm a carer. I have three disabled children. I used to very frequently get to the end of my rope where you are now. Two things that helped me...

1. you can only be an effective carer if you take care of yourself first
2. delegate

Now for me, I am mow disabled myself. So point 1 has me using a wheelchair as it gives me more energy and less pain and enables me to be a better carer and parent. Point 1 also has me finding the money for a cleaner and obtaining funding from my local authority for 4 hours a week respite.

You will find that there are individuals and organisations out there to assist with all kinds of things, so delegate. I used to fill in all the DLA/PIP forms myself, it's well within my capabilities but it's hard work physically and emotionally. Therefore I use the services of someone employed by my local authority to fill it in for me.

I used to deal with problems with the NHS and education departments myself. I'm capable of doing so, but again I have too many responsibilities to do it so I use PALS or other advocacy services.

With all the above delegation there may be a bit of chasing needed but that's much easier than doing it all yourself.

So, with the ulcers and wound care delegate it to your local district nursing team. Make it their problem. Ok you have to make sure they're doing it, but make it their issue. With your dad find a local dementia advocate and get them to help co-ordinate care, give the local authority a kick to meet their obligations. I used a local parent carer organisation to shift social services when I wasn't getting any help with direct payments, I know there are adult and elderly carer organisations that will assist you that way too.

Get yourself a circle of support and people you can lean on.

Take care X

Just a quick response before I start back at work to say how much I love mn. I came on here at the end of my tether feeling like I'd exhausted every avenue of support available and that I had no choice but to carry on carrying on. I now find I have so much more that I can use to take the pressure off and to support me in stepping back.

I'll do a proper reply later, but I really appreciate the suggestions made this morning and I've already dug out some numbers to call to get things moving. I've started a list of things to raise with the social worker doing my carer's assessment tomorrow, including wtf happens when DF needs more support than the agency can provide. I'm hopeful we won't be limited to a single agency forever. In the next few months he will become self-funded, which will mean we can look at potentially more costly support providers who can be more flexible. I'm also going to grill about regular respite, not least to get DF used to a residential setting. I know dementia is not curable and residential care will be required sooner or later. I am lucky in that DF is physically healthy and has no issues with balance or falling. We're part way through a diagnosis and I'm hoping that will lead to an opportunity to discuss progression and timescales with the dementia consultant.

I am definitely going to look up dementia advocate support. I had no idea this even existed. It would be a massive help. I talked to DP about district nurse involvement, he'd like the opportunity to speak to the nursing team at his appointment tomorrow but I have the number to call if there is no positive outcome from that. Now he's back on painkillers he's a lot more rational and doing more for himself. I also got to the bottom of why he came off the painkillers - the gp advised him to, saying they would not help with his pain! There is a longer story behind this but I'm conscious I intended to type a quick message and as usual my words are running away with me.

I will do a proper reply this evening once I'm home. Thanks again for all these really helpful suggestions, advice and words of strength and encouragement. I'm so pleased I posted.

Take care of yourself.

From one carer to another I just wanted to acknowledge your posts and say Hello.

I know I keep posting my apologies but things keep springing in to my mind.

Have you thought about a day care centre facility for your father? They can be brilliant and really good socially for them. I don't think the council ones are too expensive, it's worth a look into. But it may provide that 10-4 gap you may need to have your own time. Does your dad live with you?

Age UK may be able to help, depending on the degree of dementia

To respond to some of the points I didn't have time to earlier -

I've heard amazing things about honey, boaty, and am really tempted to stock up on honey-impregnated dressings for the next time. Part of me wanted to slather on half a jar all over dp's leg, but I'm pretty certain food-grade and medical-grade are slightly different! It's interesting to hear about someone actually using it.

don't wishing you a speedy recovery from your op, that sounds very painful but I'm glad you're getting the help that you need with the dressings.

DP and I have had another long chat about district nurse involvement. He was in tears just trying to take his sandals off when I got home. I think he thinks he'll be asking for something unusual or that he's not entitled to, so I've stressed heavily that this is a service he needs and is there for him, especially now one of his IV nurses has recommended a different, more elaborate type of dressing to promote healing. If he chickens out or gets no joy, I have their direct number at the surgery and will be calling myself. I know that is me taking an extra thing on, but if we could get that service in place it would ease my mind so much to know that he's being given the best possible chance of healing.

No referral to vascular, he did see the vascular team early last year during his first flare-up but nothing since. They did a doppler on him and from memory found only minor impairment so prescribed compression stockings. Question - is there anything on the market that makes getting compression stockings on and off easier for those with reduced flexibility/mobility? DP really struggles to get down as far as his toes, and can't stay in that position for more than a second or two at a time. He is also prone to taking gouges out of his leg when trying to remove them - that was the cause of an earlier flare-up on his other leg at the start of this year.

No, never had compression bandage, neither of us know what that is but I'm assuming it's either a really tight wraparound bandage or something like a tight version of yellowline?

He's definitely doing the handwashing. We've gone through loads of antibacterial handwash and alcohol hand rub in the last couple of weeks since he's taken on doing his own dressings during the day. We have designated the kitchen table as the wound dressing area/IV area and it is dettolled numerous times a day, before and after. It's as sterile as we can make it in a home environment. I should probably also burst the bubble that he's 'so young' - there is a bit of an age difference between us, and I'm late thirties.

Onto DF.

He lived with us for a couple of months after coming out of hospital, before finding a bungalow near us to rent. Those two months brought me to my knees. I learned a lot from that experience and on the back of that was able to put an awful lot into place that took the pressure off me and dp. DF now lives on his own in a bungalow with carers visiting four times a day. He has a befriender who takes him for walks twice a week and goes to a LA day centre once a week. We've just had recommended to us a further day centre specifically for people with dementia and DF is really keen to go there as well, in fact he was asking about it this evening again. Which reminds me I need to fill in and send off the registration form for it.

I've gone through all of the things dp and I still do for DF. There is a lot that can be delegated, either to the carers if we can extend one of their visits a week to 90 minutes, or by making use of services such as Boots' prescription delivery service. I am going to give the social worker a deadline beyond which I will not be doing these caring tasks and stressing the phrases duty of care and vulnerable adult. The only things I am unable to delegate are attendance at critical medical appointments, and being financial attorney. I'm going to look at how I can streamline financial attorney tasks to reduce the impact that has on my time.

The birth is going to be close to Christmas. I am in two minds about asking DF's brother if he will have DF over the Christmas period. The last time he had him, DF lost a number of independent skills because he was waited on hand and foot and came back incredibly confused (he was holding a cottage pie in his hands after putting a whole slab of cheese between two pieces of bread and sticking it in the micro and literally crying because he had no food in the house to have for tea). It took ages to get him back on track so I'm worried about making that call this time. He might just be better off in his bungalow with his normal care continuing. Sorry, I'm rambling now.

Registering I do take on board your comments, I will ask lots of questions and raise different scenarios at tomorrow's carer's assessment. Thank you for taking such time to respond. I'm pleased your elderly is now in a good place, that is a huge achievement on your part.

Also on my list of things to do, DF-related, are to go through the pack sent to me by my local Carers Association and see if there are any services in there I've not yet made use of. I plan on ringing Admiral Nurses, who people keep recommending to me and I keep putting off. Age UK is also now on my list, again to see if there is anything they can do that I'm not aware of. Luckily the attendance allowance application is behind me - that was so much fun!

I've also done something for myself today. I have contacted a lady about starting an antenatal yoga class. It runs on one of my usual 'DF' visiting nights, which will force me to adjust how frequently I go there. I've been listening to baby wriggling about with my doppler which has brought a smile to my face, I can't wait to feel him/her.

Sorry for the essay, it's so helpful writing everything down like this, and I'm feeling so much lighter from all of the suggestions and advice.

Yes, there's something that looks a bit like a child's kite that is used to put compression stockings on. But if e has open weepeing ulcers, I would definitely not even think about compression!!!
Please get in touch with tissue viability team, the GO can refer him.

nursing homes differ, OP. It can be residential care, as in: he has his own room, has meals served in the dining room, day trips, activities etc. I still think you should research it.

Hearing the baby's heart is amazing, isn't it?
Good luck.

this is whatI mean.

It was just honey from a jar bought in Safeway's, when my mum used it. Slathered on thickly and then some gauze etc on top, Nowhere.

One more avenue that comes to mind... Assuming you were not present to care for your dh, he would need to have someone to help him, ie carers. Carer services are not only for the elderly. Has this been explored at all with adult social care? Again, push hard on the button that you are not able to sustain the current set up as you are having a baby, and ask what happens when you become unavailable, as opposed to "if".

Even if you had to self fund, it may be worth using some of your funds from disability benefits to pay for a small number of daily visits to take the strain off you around the time baby arrives. A bit like getting more childcare in place for a toddler when the second kid arrives, and just as necessary and valid.

Also make sure your maternity care team are aware of your caring roles and help you find every single tiny bit of extra help they can.

Well done for finding some extra resolve, and for managing to think clearly with all this going on. Huge respect to you.

Do you have any friends or acquaintances who are carers? A chat with someone who gets it is worth a thousand with those who don't, in the way of moral support and practical suggestions.

Please don't let the thought that you are failing them linger. Replace the guilt and worry with a vision of their world without you doing what you do to support them. Also, value your work in co-ordinating, organising, advocating, managing and firer fighting. Those who haven't been there have no idea how vital and time consuming those things are.

Sending love and support.

I second a referral to tissue viability and vascular surgery as a matter of urgency. Your GP should be able to arrange this.
I'm presuming your husband is a relatively young man and his current medical situation sounds dreadful with potentially life changing complications if not adequately treated.
Please keep us posted
You are doing a great job
Good luck

Nowhere, I read your OP last night but was unable to post - have now caught up, so here goes

You. Are. Not. A. Horrible. Person.

1. If you want to be of any use to anyone (DF, DP, employer, your baby, yourself!) you must prioritise looking after yourself. You are of no use to beast nor fowl is you collapse in a heap. This is not being 'selfish', it is self-preservation and you must put your own well-being high on the agenda in order to be able to function for others.

1. When your baby comes along (congratulations btw ) your priorities will shift. Plan for this now - have more help and support in place than you think you'll need because chances are you will actually need it.

Which leads me to 3. Plan for the worst case scenario (what happens to your DF/DP is a meteor falls on your head tomorrow?) and then hope for the best. Having services/systems in place that you might never need is better than facing crisis. If your DF ever needs care in a crisis situation ALL control over what happens will be taken off him/you.

1. What everybody else said re all available agencies. Has your DF ever been offered a respite stay in a care home? IMO older people often surprise themselves that they like these 'holidays' which can of course make the transition easier if a longer term placement becomes necessary.

5.YY to DN involvement. Community staff are a font of knowledge, often with good links to their Secondary Care Specialist Nurse colleagues. They will advice on dressings (type, size, amount etc - if he has to change them every 2 hours there's something not right), can get more medical help involved if required and access Tissue Viability/Diabetic Specialist Nurses.

NB Ulcers in diabetics are often microvascular related and not amenable to surgery hence vascular surgery possibly having said they had nothing to offer.
From what you are saying your DP is very overweight? Would he address that? Elevating his legs will be easier and safer than compression until he fully understand what his ulcers are all about: venous? arterial? diabetic? neuropathic??

1. You are doing a fantastic job as your DF's carer, NoK and PoA. Don't fall in to the same role for your DP. Soon you will have to be (want to be) a mother and he will have to be (want to be - I hope!) a father. You cannot be both parents to this baby. Your DP must step up and the first step there is to actively seek help to improve his health. You cannot do that for him - HE has to buy in to it. Step back.

I am glad this thread has been some support to you. And I hope I am not teaching my grandmother to suck eggs with my post - you sound well clued up!
When are you hoping to go on maternity leave? Would you consider stopping work earlier? Having some sick leave??
To repeat, prioritising your own health and wellbeing at this time is NOT selfish, it's vitally important.

Oh, crap, excuse the essay

Thanks Fencing, I'm more thinking ahead for when his wound heals and he's able to wear his stockings again. He was re-measured for a new pair just before this flare-up and picked them up yesterday - they are close toed :( Pants. I was quite excited at the kite thing!

Boaty wow, what was the result? Did she see a noticeable improvement quite quickly? The scientific part of me really loves when we find scientific reasons why traditional medicines are so effective.

A little background on DP - he's older than me, working full time in a decent desk job after a lifetime of being extremely active and fit (career TA, treated it like he was in the regulars, did a number of dangerous tours of duty which is where the PTSD came in) and there are no disability payments coming in. I've no idea whether he would qualify for them. I think I should look into that. I don't know enough about DLA/PIP. I do periodically look into the blue badge criteria but he can walk more than 50 metres so wouldn't appear to qualify. Yes, he is substantially overweight. He has tried many diets, some don't appear to work at all while others work for a short time and he then either falls back into old habits or reaches a plateau and gets jaded. He put a stone on through weight watchers, and has steered clear of slimming world because of the free and easy access to carbs. His blood sugar control is excellent. At his last six monthly review he was told his long term (hba1c?) readings were only two points above a non-diabetic and he shouldn't seek to control it any better or he would be at risk of hypos. The better it's controlled, the more weight he puts on, and the more he struggles to lose even a pound. What makes it worse is his weight is all concentrated densely around his middle (think Homer Simpson) so bending over gives him both physical and breathing difficulties. Carrying the weight there, combined with peripheral neuropathy, has given him a chronic bad back, adding to his reduced mobility. I'm just giving this for context really.

What if I wasn't there? He'd be too proud to ask for help, and would struggle himself into an early grave. A lot of the failures to look after himself are not so much him being lazy, but him finding performing the self care too much of a struggle so he stops. Most of the time he won't even ask me for help.

Once this flare-up is sorted, he and I need to have a sit down and a long chat about what help he needs, how he is going to get it and most importantly how he is going to maintain that level of care long term.

FWIW, to get through mat leave financially, I NEED dp to be fit and working. Our employer has reduced sick pay to just 12 weeks and dp is rapidly eating those weeks up. He can't afford any more longterm sickness.

registering thank you for your really kind words. I have my next midwife appointment next week and will make sure she is fully aware of everything I am doing and how I am feeling. I have a friend who is a carer for her disabled ds and we've spent many hours moaning together about the uphill battles involved.

You make my essays look positively short pacific but thank you. The planning has now started. DP has a long list of things to cover in today's nurses appointment, including tissue viability and district nurse involvement, plus stressing how frequently the pads need changing and passing on the suggesting of a different type of dressing combined with the pads, as recommended by one of dp's IV nurses. I'm picking up more and more tips from this thread and actually feeling like I can get a plan in place at last. DP is keeping his leg elevated for the most part (I can't speak for when I'm not here, and he gets bored and goes on the computer...) and has been fighting for the ability to do this at work also. Currently waiting for new equipment to be delivered to work that will enable him to do this, which we are hoping will help stave off future flare-ups.

DF has never been offered respite, though the carer's association has recommended to the council that monthly respite is considered as part of the support package for me. Unfortunately the council don't appear to have taken any notice of any of the CA's recommendations and it took some rather distressed phone calls even to get the carer's assessment booked ("We're really backlogged at the moment, can it wait a couple more months?").

No sick leave for me - I'd just end up stuck at home with DP, and no peace! I was supposed to be on annual leave this week but cancelled it because I know I would get sucked into attending his appointments, talking to nurses, nagging him with his dressings etc. I'm planning on mat leave starting three weeks before the birth is due, and tagging two weeks of annual leave on to the start of that, so I'd be going off five weeks before the birth. Does that sound reasonable? I've never done this before, I don't know what is 'normal' At the moment, as exhausting and stressful as work is, it's getting me out of the whole carer situation for 8 hours a day.

I just feel so bad that when I get home all I want to do is stay away from people! I've dropped most of my social groups because I'm finding them too exhausting. I struggle with loud personalities and there seem to be so many around at the moment. I just want peace and quiet!

Right, DP has his plan for the day, and I have my carer's assessment this morning so best make sure my notes are in order. Wish me luck!

I just came back and read about the treatment DH is having for his leg - its not right - well there doesn't seem to be any treatment at all does there! Its actually me who had the experience with an ulcer starting to form, I had some bad experiences with steroid creams which made it worse with skin peeling off, but eventually it was Betnovate steroid that got it under control. All throughout even before it happened, I was under the DN and I was able to go into the surgery 3 times a week to have the 3 layer compression done. In between, in an emergency if the dressing got too wet, I could cut it off and make a temporary one with zinc paste bandages and the yellow line you mention, but certainly not dressing it myself as a matter of course. I was able to go into work inbetween dressings because the zinc/compression combo controlled the pain and exudate. In fact work hardly knew I was ever missing!

It sounds like he has had no compression at all, that's madness, what on earth is his GP thinking? I asked for a referral the Tissue Viability and she in turn referred me for a Juxtafit wrap which I am wearing now - all the skin has healed up, there is some scarring which I don't care about, but the wrap is 110% easier to put on than stockings and it clears up swelling within a day or so, then you carry on wearing it to keep swelling down. I still wear a soft bandage over the skin just in case i scratch it but I don't have to.

This is what I mean by new treatments being available - before I got this "wrap" even the DN was saying she didn't know what to do now she wants all her patients to have one (all available on NHS tariff as well).

Turning to diabetes/weight loss, I insisted my DH (now age 59) took his services and reviews from the consultant not the GP, turns out he'd been on the wrong tablets for years and they were actually making him gain weight! Once he changed tablets he lost 4 stone. He also got a referral for bariatric surgery but he doesn't know yet if he will go ahead with it. All these things will help your DH get back to work and regain a reasonable level of health.

I hope it works out for you Nowhere. There is light at the end of the tunnel. I think your partner needs to accept he needs help and learn that it's okay to ask.

Once DN involvement is put in place whether this be clinic or home visits for the time being until he is more able, things will start falling into place. He would have full assessments done by the nurses and review of the wounds. They can then try numerous treatments until they find the right one and this would be reviewed regularly.

All the best. Xx

You guys really must get some applications in for benefits for dh.

ESA kicks in when statutory sick pay finishes. Employment support allowance. There are two types overall, contributions based non means tested, for up to a year. Also, means tested, which goes on beyond a year.

To qualify you need medical cert, as when you are signed off work. Lots and lots of people fail to claim this when it is payable, and employers can and do deduct from employer sick pay packets what could be claimed once the SSP has stopped. In the longer term, they also help with money when an ESA claimant returns to work.

PIP is the non means tested help for people with disabilities. It has nothing to do with working or not working, and is all about what you can and can't do. You complete the form as if it were on one of the worse days, then you get assessed face to face.

Blue badge again, write as on the worst day.

Madness not to put in a claim for PIP and blue badge for dh at this point, and for ESA once his SSP runs out at work.

I know you have a lot on, but money unlocks possibilities for getting more help. PIP and ESA are also trigger benefits for unlocking extra payments on tax credits and all sorts of other useful benefits and cost reductions. This will be handy for when baby arrives.

At some point, also review your dad's claims to make sure he's getting as much attendance allowance as he ought to.

Tbh you don't need 5 weeks off before your due date particularly if home is more stressful than work.

Even nurses rarely go off before 37 weeks and they're walking all day. Of course if you have spd or similar chronic pain then that's different. But if it's "only" knackeredness, then drop the annual leave unless you need to use it up by a certain date or something.

If you can carry it on a bit then you'll be glad of it later on.