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Relationships

Toxic friends now causing a rift between DH and I

51 replies

Mabinogion · 19/06/2016 12:55

This is my first post so please excuse any etiquette faux pas!
I really don't know what to do as I think my marriage is in trouble.
We've just come back from a holiday abroad with our friends, a married couple, I'll call them Jill and Pete. DH and I have a 2 year old and I'm pregnant, second trimester. It was a lovely time for DD and my DH certainly had a good time (he slept a lot, never put DD to bed or bathed her, mentally checked out) but I felt like Jill and Pete treated me terribly, so much so by day 4 of 10 I was in tears when on my own, struggling to do everything, felt so stressed, I couldn't wait to go home, I ended up calling my mother in desperation and checking the cost of flights back home.
Our 'friends' are DH's friends before we met, they've known each other 18 years now, when they worked together. When my DH and I met, it was clear that I was to get on with them if I was to get on with him, as he was clear that they were very important to him. The first time I met Jill and Pete, Jill criticised my cooking, and interrogated me all evening, with her friend, about my ex boyfriend (amongst other things) who worked with DH which is how DH and I met, this ex-boyfriend cheated on me so I ended it, naturally. This upset me at the time, I didn't tell DH. Jill explained it later to me that my DH had 'strange' girlfriends in the past and they wanted to vet me, protecting him.
Now, Jill and Pete are the sort of people who are very domineering and strong characters, both of them in different ways. They always attack first to establish dominance, calling it 'banter', mocking and then pretending it's all a big joke. Very Alpha male and female. My husband is definitely a Beta male, agrees with everything they say and do, a lot goes over his head. Over the years they have both upset me, I've put it down to me not being used to 'banter' and blunt observations all the time. We have a lot of difference of opinion, they are quite racist, they ram their beliefs down people's throats, don't get me started on immigrants and Brexit!
Pete has argued and attacked me verbally so much over one period of time, I said to my DH that I couldn't be around Pete anymore, but DH made excuses that Pete was going through difficult times, which was true, so I swallowed a lot over the years.
We've holidayed a few times with the couple, they always had their way, had the bigger, best room etc, this was before DH and I had children.
Jill took over organising my hen party, my mother declined to go. They invited themselves to our wedding abroad, we were happy at the time with this, but our parents weren't thrilled wanting just a family affair. The wedding has a lot of sad memories for me involving conflict between my mother, and Jill and DH's mother and Jill. I didn't listen to my mother at the time and believed Jill's story. It took a long time to rebuild with my mother after that. My mother told me recently that a woman who tries to come between a mother and daughter tells me all I need to know about that woman, she was right.
Jill and Pete are 15 years older than me, and my DH is 9 years older than me, this has always made no difference to me but Jill and Pete have had children (close in age to me) and now have grandchildren. On our recent trip Jill was critical of our parenting, comparing our DD to her youngest grandson, and controlling in every sense. I did my bit staying in a cramped apartment, cooked and cleaned, but whatever I did seemed to be not good enough, 10 minutes in the bath was too long she was knocking on the door! She even tried to instruct a waiter to not clear away my DS's dinner, when I know my DS had long finished so I asked the waiter to clear it thank you very much! Loads of things like this happened all day every day. My DH stopped me from defending myself several times, he never defended me, and the sun shines out of his backside of course. Maybe it's because I argue back.
I tried to talk to DH about it, but he shut me out. He realised I was in tears (trying to hide it) whilst walking to a waterpark, and said to me 'are you being emotional again', he was quite caring but I really did not know how or what to say as he previously did not want to hear it.
Admittedly I'm more preg hormonal than normal, quicker to get irritated etc, but I am a calm rational person normally. I can't help but feeling that finally I see things clearly, see them in their true light, and feel like a fool. I'm not the only one who feels this way about them, as other friends have fallen out with them.
It's resulted in DH and I getting home, me exploding with rage at DH who was baiting me to 'spit it out', I told him everything, I was furious, very vitriolic against them. I don't recall ever being like this with him before, we bicker and I can get cross but this was another level. I feel regretful of this, I still need to apologise, but that's how I felt having suppressed this for so long I think. My other true friends would not treat me like this.
When we calmed down we had a heated discussion, telling home truths. He's now telling me he's not happy in our house, living where we are, I'd be happy to move I said I'll go wherever he wants to go, but his job is good where he is and won't be able to get anything as good elsewhere. He said I reminded him of my mother when I was full of hatred, he can't understand where it came from, and if he saw more of it he wouldn't stick around.
I told him that I needed more help from him with DS. He takes off for an hour or two doing man stuff, I never do that. He farts around in the garage avoiding DS a lot. He never puts he to bed or bathes her, his excuse is that DS is clingy with me so lets not to upset her I should do it. I've always been happy being a mum, I relish it, but my pregnancy has made me tired and ill at times. My DH has DS Mon-Wed 9-5 when I'm at work, so I come home, and I'm on mummy duty. He works 4 hours a day Thur-Sun, so when he comes home he goes off and does other things, I'm with DS the whole time. My MIL comes down to help out on occasion, but I still do the lion's share with DS, as my MIL also does not want to upset my DS, I've had to insist during the first trimester with awful MS, and also to put my foot down with DS so she isn't spoilt!
My DH can do no wrong with Jill and my MIL! He can be quite manipulative and stubborn, also miserable at times. Yet he claims I have been moody for 6 months to a year when I come home from work- completely untrue.
All of this came out in the wash yesterday. My parents are moving house to be closer to us in the next few months, from being 7 hours drive away. My DH is not happy about this, as my mum cannot stand Jill.

Basically, can I avoid these toxic people? How without causing an argument with DH? Should I carry on compromising and be fake? I can't forgive my DH for some of the things he has been saying but then I said hurtful things too.
Please help sorry this is long :-(

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Dozer · 19/06/2016 15:28

And you ahould NOT apologise for the rant about the arseholes. Your H should be the one apologising.

As for him responding to your understandable anger by comparing you to your mother (in a way that was horrible about you both) and threatening to leave you if there was "any more of it"

Why oh why do you say you'd be willing to move wherever he chooses? What about YOUR needs and preferences?