Help!? Big DD turning on me?

[AtTheEndofTheRoad]

Please can I just have a rant? Because otherwise I will go and shout at my daughter and she has her last exam on Tuesday so I really don't want to.
I have a couple of previous threads, but in summary:
Realised a year ago that DH doesn't love, respect or care for me. I was distraught at the time. He has ignored me increasingly over about the last 7 years, has used my daughter as a TV companion until after I've gone to bed since she was about 14, which has driven a wedge between us because I haven't had a chance to talk to him on our own.

When I told them there was a problem and first asked him to go to relate (June 15) he said he would have more time after he had finished his exams. I didn't realize that he meant he would ignore the problem until he had finished (November) he took no time off over the summer, didn't help with the kids, reneged on the promise that we would have an autumn holiday as he went on a course instead. I visit my family ( 8 hrs travel away) and have to visit his too as they're nearby; summer and Christmas. Can't have my family here as he is awful to them. Same with my friends, only friendly if he feels like it, otherwise blanks them.

Trivialises my job, interests, opinions. Etc And yes, I've read a lot of stuff on emotional abuse now and it all sounds rather familiar.

Row yesterday: DH yelling that I just wanted to go and live in a house without hiDaughter is now telling me that she is really cross with me and her dad. That we just need to sit down and talk to each other reasonably, because we love each other(??) I did love him, but it's gone and I'm not sure now how long it is since he stopped loving me. In all our arguments recently though he has never once mentioned love. He just says we can't split up. I have tried so hard to pretend everything is ok for the kids this year, because of the exams. In particular I've been trying not to say anything negative about their Dad. But what has he been saying to her? And what should I say to her now?
If you've managed to read this far, thank you. It got a bit long.

That puts it very strongly Springydaffs, but it is my plan to leave. I've been thrown a bit off track by the last 24 hrs, but I'm back on it now. I am collecting the stuff I need together. I have no doubt it will be horrible. I think I sound a bit of a drip today. I know that is not how I used to be before we got together. Time to get a grip, I think.

There is no point in suggesting a counsellor for all of us as I have tried that route with DH before and he refused. But I maybe Dd and I need something down the line.

She definitely will. Sadly.

Abuse creeps up on one btw. Abusers play the long game - and before you know it...

And thank your lucky stars you didn't get into counselling together - where he would have spun a breathtakingly plausible line, no doubt dazzling the therapist. You would have been fucked over good and proper.

Right. So she isn't your equal - or, even, your competition. God forbid. HE has made her your competition but don't swallow the hook. He has royally fucked her up. You are an adult, you have a history before him. She doesn't. He has distorted the crucial years of her blooming adult life. She's going to need significant therapeutic intervention to get him out of her soul.

Be her mum. He has set you against eachother - step out of the ring. He has used and abused you both. She needs you now.

I realise that about counseling now, I didn't at the time. In fact the Relate person I saw on my own had clearly made up her own narrative about me in the first session. Based on Dh's job she had clearly decided I was after his money. Despite the fact that we were both students when we met and equally penniless. Lucky escape.

Leaving any serious discussion with Dd for the next few days, but think I've at least managed to get her in a better frame of mind for the exam.

As I said, I do apologise for misreading about your affection for your daughter

He has ignored me increasingly over about the last 7 years, has used my daughter as a TV companion until after I've gone to bed since she was about 14, which has driven a wedge between us because I haven't had a chance to talk to him on our own. This is the unease I meant...you don't think she notices that he ignores you, and that they has increased over time? Or that he has drawn her away from you?

I wonder if actions are going to be the most effective strategy here. She is probably sick of talking and simply doesn't want to know. She is also too young for this calibre of discussion - noone that age should been party to this level of discussion ; particularly about her parents relationship. She is already voting with her feet on that one.

He, the revolting shit, has divided to conquer. YOU, that is. But he has used his own daughter to do it. And for some time, capitalising on hewer impressionable years.

So if you ACT like her parent (not saying you aren't already btw) this may be better than discussions about it. She is heartily sick of the topic of her parents marriage - understandably. He has brought her right into the core of it, where she doesn't belong.

I think you may battle this imbalance for some time to come sadly. It'll take a long time to unpick what he's done to her (precisely because of when he did it: her impressionable years). I'm not suggesting you should be a martyr and say nothing but keep your actions louder than your words.

It's a fine line, hard to tread when you've been done over yourself. As usual, mothers have to be superheroes

Different I can understand how it might have come across that way because I was really upset when I wrote that first post.
Yes, I'm sure she has noticed and tried to make it better by being extra good and lovely.
The sort of things I think he probably says ( because he has said them in front of me too) are:
I can't do anything right
Nothing I do is good enough
I don't know what else I can do
Accompanied by lots of sighs and eye rolling. When actually he hasn't listened or done anything to try to make things better.
Back to Dd. She is seeking lots of reassurance just in the form of hugs and time together at the moment and for about the last few months. She has said she's not ready to be an adult just yet I thought it was just exam stress, but it's not. I can see now.
Springydaffs I think you're spot on in your third paragraph down ( still can't copy and paste on this thing)