I shouldn't have looked

[CrossHatched]

Backstory is I've been with a wonderful man for two years, he's been like an antidote to the abusive losers I've been with in the past including an EA marriage in which XH cheated many times. Part of what I love about him is that he's on board with my feminist views and doesn't watch porn (after seeing a documentary about the other side to it a few years ago), is very respectful of women etc.

Out of curiosity (I'm working on a photo project) I googled myself to see what images are available of me in the public domain, and then did the same for BF. What came up was his MySpace account which he's told me he's got before but as I've never used it, I don't really understand what it is or how it works.

It seems he's 'connected' to dozens and dozens of profiles of women connected to the porn and glamour modelling industry. I'm genuinely shocked! I know this isn't cheating and his account was set up when he was much younger but it's really changed how I feel about him. It puts into question all the things we've discussed about feminism and women being objectified etc. He's knows my views, we've had many discussions about this and he always agrees with me!

I know I shouldn't have looked, I do trust him so wasn't looking for evidence of anything and this is all in the public domain. I'm not sure what to do with this information now but I am disgusted and embarrassed for him. I don't even know if I should say anything but also don't know if I can hide my feelings as he'll know something is up. WWYD?

I think I will speak to him about it - I'm not confrontational by nature so it was always going to be a calm discussion.

EmGee, that's hit the nail on the head for me - it really jars with who he is or more accurately who I thought he is. It's one thing to be told about it, quite another to see it there in full colour.

Rightly or wrongly, I've set my tolerance to this kind of crap very low and my standards very high to protect me from the kind of men I have dated previously. This does paint him in a different light, I've no idea when he last accessed this account. If he wants to leave me for feeling uneasy about it, then he is welcome to walk because a decent man would be mortified about this being displayed publicly and it does show him in a certain light.

MySpace has recently been hacked and lots of user information stolen - this may be linked?

Really Meg? I didn't know that. I guess I'll know whether that's the case when I've spoken to him.

Definitely talk to him. But as a pp said, also be aware that there is/was loads of porn spam on MySpace - I remember a very square, un-tech-savvy friend of mine was horrified when he joined MySpace to share some recordings with his local jazz singing group and was immediately 'followed' by several anonymous naked women baring their bottoms. He was desperately embarrassed and quit his jazz singing group in mortification!

I can't believe you're holding holding him accountable for the Myspace friends he has on a decade old account. From memory you didn't even accept people, they could just connect to you so there were always people (like porn stars) whose only purpose was to get as many friends as possible.

If the actual content of his Myspace profile was unsavoury I'd see your point. What is the rest of it like?

Another pov - most if not all employers google prospective staff now, and this is obviously easy to find. That leads me to think it's either been hacked or he had the account when he was much younger and in his Zoo/Nuts phase. But you do need to talk to him about it because anyone can see it, which could have a really big impact on things like job hunting.

As I said at the beginning, I don't know how MySpace works as I've never had an account - I just assumed it was like Facebook and the 'connections' were akin to friending or following someone. I can't see anything else on his account, presumably because I haven't got one and/or we're not connected. I do judge him for this - it may have been set up a long time ago but he is aware of this account and it is still active and available to view publicly and is therefore a current problem.

I wouldn't necessarily judge him for anything except not curating his internet presence more carefully, until you've spoken to him and found out whether he was actually in contact with the owners of these profiles. I used to get loads of sketchy men (& women!) trying to be my FB friend & it certainly wasn't because I invited the contact.

I've no idea how it works either.
Is it more like Twitter where people can follow you rather than the other way around?

Anyway... I would probably say, Been on line looking at what comes up when I google our names.
Yours come up with your myspace stuff and all the glamour models you friended whilst on it.
If you don't want this info to be public then you may want to delete it!

See where it goes from there.

In that case I would certainly approach it like others have said; "Look what I found when I googled you. It might look a bit odd to an employer or someone doing a search".

Including any sort of "explain yourself" would not be fair.

On Twitter if I didn't have my privacy settings on then my account would have about 200 porn stars and various other randomers following it.

I would say it's likely to be either an account he thought dormant which chancers have added themselves to as friends or it's been hacked.

Just ask him. Tell him what you were doing and gauge his reaction. If I told my DH I'd found that he would be horrified. Judge the man by his everyday actions and intentions NOT by an account for 10+ years ago that he probably hasn't even realised is still active.

Just had a closer look and it says he connected to a picture of a glamour model in January of this year .

Does anyone know what this means?

Unless they have changed it, it works like Facebook in terms of how you connect as "friends". A request is sent and it has to be accepted.

Are you sure they aren't adding him? I can't remember how MySpace works tbh. But it's not like Facebook.

I have a Twitter account I never use and the other day I saw I had 49 followers and they were all female, when you click on the profile it's some kind of porn thing.

You don't need to approve "connections" on MySpace. When you are using it you can follow up connections and the it becomes something. My hubby logged onto his the other day because of the hack and we had an absolute whale of a time laughing at all the shit and connections on there since he last used it. Like pp have said its a lot like Twitter and porn sites often spam people.

That said even if that's not the case it was ten years ago? People change a lot in a decade especially in the age group you are talking about. If it really bothers you mention it but tbh I would be inclined to give him a pass on this one.

If someone really wants to chat to porn stars and glamour models in this day and age, there are much more discreet and up-to-date places to do so than MySpace. The fact that a glamour model has become a connection recently makes it seem much more likely to me that his account has been inactive for a long time and accumulating spam.

I still can't work out how it works. Most of the profiles say you have to have a verified connection to view them, which suggests he's made a connection? The most recent connection is with a photograph rather than the profile iyswim. It actually says he made the connection so I can't see how the person with the profile has done that. I've also found one person who is probably a childhood friend.

It's in his past. Forget about it and let it stay as history.

That might be my position too Sandy if there wasn't recent activity as well as the fact that his profile is still active.

Cross I think you just have to ask him outright. At the first appropriate moment. It is a hard thing to do but you will feel like a weight has been lifted when you do. Whether or not the response is the one you want to hear (or see), isn't it healthier to get this out in the open? You'll never be able to trust him again if you don't. Or look at him in the way you did before you discovered this.

Cross - sorry I didn't read your later posts about more recent activity. MySpace is so last century these days, but I see your concern.

I never used it though and can't say how it works.

Can't believe we're on an 'online forum' and the not sure how it works posts

Here's a link to 'All about MySpace': en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Myspace and from what I remember anyone could become a 'friend' so for example I had loads of busty bird friends/porn/glamour requests towards the end. It was pretty annoying as it turned from a platform to share music and 'like' artists to some graveyard of continual requests from above mentioned. Pretty much tied in with the Facebook launch.

You should cut this guy some slack!

Thing is, as a lot of people have said, no one used it nowadays. So, if your partner is then I doubt he's going to find many people at all to use it with. And I'd imagine these pornstars, models etc... Would have moved over to Facebook to get more recognition so I'm inclined to say it's all spam.

It's most likely porn spam, especially if he doesn't have any other friends on there. The most likely scenario is that he set it up, forgot about it, and all the porn bots followed the account. It happens on Twitter all the time.

The fact that he has no proper friends on makes it even more likely he doesn't use the account....it's been spammed by porn sites