Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

Original poster

really dont know what to do

11 replies

Char22thom · 17/06/2016 10:21

DH has text me this morning to say that we need to sit down and talk tonight 😞 my mind is racing about what this could be, although deep down I feel he is going to say he's not happy in our marriage. The truth is I'm not either, I love him with all my heart, we are great for each other and share lots of interests etc. We met 5yrs ago and he had had a vasectomy 8yrs prior. From the start, I was clear I wanted chn and he said he was always open to a vasectomy reversal. We saw a Dr 4yrs ago, a month before we married and discussed it then. After we got married the next month we discussed it again and he admitted he wasn't comfortable having the reversal done as he was worried about it all. We discussed other options and decided that we would adopt at some point down the line. We are now in a situation where we don't have any money and adoption feels like it will never happen. I'm am really sad about this, and since my 34th birthday a month ago have been thinking about this constantly 😞 I don't know what to do, just worrying and stressing and crying, plus its my day off today so I'm sat here alone 😣

OP posts:

MyKingdomForBrie · 17/06/2016 10:34

Are you not happy with him or just with the situation as regards DC? I do think it was unfair of him to say he wanted DC before the wedding and then wait til afterwards to say he had changed his mind - would you have married him anyway though?

I would certainly consider whether he or DC are more important to you, it might be a consideration if there is a possibility of splitting up - it may not be too late to find someone else who wants the same as you.

Original poster

Char22thom · 17/06/2016 10:56

I'm really happy with him, we have great time together and get on so well. I guess it just feels like something is missing, we are kind of floating along and struggling financially doesn't help as each month it just feels like we have no spare money for our savings pot that we need to start adoption which makes me frustrated

OP posts:

MrsBertBibby · 17/06/2016 11:15

I don't see how you can think sensibly when you don't know what he wnts to talk about. Get outside, take a walk in the park, do some breathing, and get your mind off the hamster wheel.

Original poster

Char22thom · 17/06/2016 11:27

He wants to talk about our relationship as he feels we're not going anywhere 😣 I feel the same but scared of admitting it to him, and I think part of our issue is how I feel about having a family x

OP posts:

HarmlessChap · 17/06/2016 11:55

If you want to make your relationship better there would have to be a willingness to talk, so rather than looking at this with dread maybe you should consider that this might be the start of a process of resolving the problems.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 17/06/2016 12:12

You have described the biggest issue playing on your mind, is this the only thing you consider a problem? As advised above you can't really predict what he is going to talk about.

Communication is the key, it's not necessarily negative if he thinks there's a problem. It's how he raises this, and whether you can work together on it.

Hope it's not a negative outcome tonight but it would be good if you have RL support like close family or a friend to talk to, should you need them.

Original poster

Char22thom · 17/06/2016 12:26

Thanks for your replies, I appreciate the support. It us clear we are struggling at the moment, and certainly for me that is the one main issue, but we also dont have enough sex for him so I know this is something from his point of view, I suspect the 2 issues are related imo x

OP posts:

ImperialBlether · 17/06/2016 12:30

It's a bit unfair that he's given you all day to worry about this.

If you do want children, it looks as though it would have to be with someone else. How important is that to you?

Can I ask why you're both so broke? Are you both working full time?

Original poster

Char22thom · 17/06/2016 12:39

Yeah we both work full time, but only earn about £2200 between us, and outgoings are about £1600 a month, so struggling to put money away. I feel its unfair too, and have told him that too! I sway between feeling that I want chn more then change my mind back because all other aspects are great and we love each other more than anyone in other relationships x

OP posts:

LovePGtipsMonkey · 17/06/2016 12:51

bear in mind, Op, that there ar no guarantees that you stay together or his feelings won't change (or yours) long term - as much you love each other now it's not cast in stone. Think if you are willing to give up having DC without a guarantee that your r-ship will last a life time. If you split up you have a chance meeting someone else you aer happy with - or having children on your own, you have to weigh up all your options. See also what he says, of course!

Fishface77 · 17/06/2016 19:58

So he lied to you then op?
That ha have a vasectomy reversal but never really had any intention of having one?
Are children a deal breaker? If so move on. Easier said than done I know.

Flip