Boyfriend broke up with me - Won't talk to me

[user1466013611]

He ran off from me over a misunderstanding but that was just the straw that broke the camels back I guess. He's now moved all his stuff out and is away in another city planning to move there and won't speak to me. He just said that he doesn't believe things will change, he's tired of being hurt and doesn't trust me.

My issue is partly that I can't forgive myself for the way I treated him and making the person I love feel like that and get to the point where he had to leave me. I just feel like a horrible person and can't believe I did those things and acted like that. I need some perspective on what I did please. And also on the relationship. Not really advice about what to do as I know all that already as I don't even have a choice but to move on.

I tried to control him to go along with my OCD rituals. Constantly criticising him, asking him to do things like washing his hands and mentioning things to do with my contamination OCD. It's like I can't believe that was me. But it was. And I take responsibility. I don't really care about things and don't want to act that or let it affect him like I did. I have obsessive thoughts about past mistakes too so I'm really beating myself up about it all.

At the beginning of our relationship I let him become an element in trauma for me as I put up with his alcoholism and him living in this horrible house share where anyone could move in (it was like a step up from living on the streets). I actually ended up moving in there because I had low self esteem when I met him and deluded myself into thinking whatever he thought was ok was ok when it really wasn't. I just wanted to be with him and to go along with whatever he wanted. Obviously that's not his fault at all it was mine for being like that. So after something happened at this horrible accommodation which bothered both of us but that I was actually traumatised by I then realised it was all wrong and needed to move out. He wanted to move out too but also had low esteem which manifested in a different way. I think he was scared of living in a nice place because he thought the nice normal people wouldn't accept him or something. So he wouldn't bother looking for places to move out and I had to do all the work looking for individual places just for me and places for both of us and kept nagging him and convincing him to help me look for both of us and help him self by looking just for himself too. He'd also miss some viewings because of his drinking. All this caused me to have the extreme OCD related to being trapped in that place with scary people etc.and it wasn't his fault at all that we were in that situation because I chose to move in there when he kindly offered but at that point where we both realised how horrible it was and I was being traumatised he kept making it go on for longer and making it worse by being drunk a lot.

So that is why I have still tried to control him related to my OCD because although I have tried to forgive and forget I guess my OCD subconsciously could not forget. It's not an excuse just a reason. There are no excuses for what I've done in my mind. I just feel so bad about it. He's since changed and not drinking for a year yet I still let my OCD fears about the past effect him by trying to control him which is so horrible and unfair. I don't care about those OCD things really I just wanted to move on and be nice to him and happy. I know for sure I could be. We also have natural communication issues between us would be there anyway. He bottles things up then gets really angry and says horrible things calls me names etc. But I'm willing to deal with that and be the bigger person in those situations and just let it go rather than engaging in defending myself against his false accusations etc. I know I can do it. He's worth it.

Also I'm so ashamed but one time I threw a champagne bottle on the floor between us over something stupid OCD thing I was going internally crazy over and he was ignoring me. I can't believe I did that and there is no excuse I feel terrible. He must have scared. I mean I was scared by it and I was the one who threw it. However, he doesn't believe me that I was aiming for the floor where it landed and thinks I tried to threw it at him but missed. I tried to explain that I know its still bad but that's not true but he won't hear it. Also, he thinks I do other things which I never do like he accuses me of lying etc. I think because of the bottle throwing incident he has it in his mind that I'm an abuser and that I do things which classic abusers do or something which he read about. Like isolating him from friends and family (we moved to another city so we could afford a place together), lying and 'trying to make it so he can't live without me'. None of those things are true whatsoever. So I know I've mistreated him and I feel like a bad person but on top of what's actually happened he thinks I'm worse than I am. He probably wouldn't want to get back with me anyway though so I guess it;s besides the point.

I feel like this horrible abuser and I just need some perspective on how bad it was and the situation because I know in the past my obsessive thoughts cloud my judgement. However I know it's bad so I really don't know. I'm really not looking for someone to tell it's ok etc. at all. I'm just looking for the truth of what my perspective really is and how bad it really was whatever that may be. So then I can know how to come to terms with that.

Imagine your friend came to you and said they'd done the things I've done to their partner behaved that way. What would your honest reaction be?

Now imagine someone you care about came to you and told you that their partner had treated them and behaved the way I have to my boyfriend. What would your honest reaction be?

I really need help knowing what everyone's perspective and preferably why so I can help know my own. Thanks.

It is sad because I know he still loves me and I know we could be happy together as I know what to do now. Basically just let every argument no matter how small or big I think it is because he's worth it to make him happy. And I'm also seeing a therapist now and I'm on anti anti anxiety meds.

You sound desperate to blame yourself.

Is it because then it will at least be something that you can control (since you can't control another's behaviour, only your own)?

Is it because you think that blame = punishment = resolution? (in which case I would say, there is a BIG difference between self-flagellation, and taking responsibility. Self-flagellation is pointless and destructive; taking responsibility focuses on solutions rather than on appointing blame.)

Blaming myself leads to feeling less control if anything and no it's not to do with being in control. I don't understand why you'd think that?

I'm not desperate to blame myself. That's just my honest perspective on the situation. Of course I don't want to feel like this or dislike myself. I just want to have a clear perspective on what it is actually is in terms of my behaviour and what happened so I can try to come to terms with it and move on. As I've further explained in my previous posts. I can't find solutions unless I know what my perspective is and understood what happened as I've said.

And to everyone, btw obviously I didn't want to make my original post too long but if it wasn't clear from that then this what I can gather of my ex boyfriends perspective on what happened from what he's said:

He is fed up with arguing and the way i treat him and he just doesn't think it will change. And he tried to help me and gave second chances and then a third but it didn't work and I didn't change yet when I said I would. He thinks I'm an abuser, I threw the bottle at his head (I actually threw it at the floor which I know is bad too) and that I have Borderline Personality Disorder (could be true but my therapist doesn't think so at the moment but we'll see.). He says I'm controlling and a bully. I'm afraid I am a bully and an abuser like he said I know I've been controlling and I don't want to be like that and know I won't let that happen again with anyone. Also, I think he told his family all of those things and so they probably hate me I'm not sure. Which is probably fair. I hate me too.

It is very sad to hear you say such things about yourself.

I don't think it can be anyone's "honest perspective" that they deserve blame and self-hatred. I think it is a warped perspective, based on false and unhealthy beliefs about your own worth. I hope you can work with your therapist to develop a healthier self-image.

Hating yourself solves nothing. It is very destructive. You are not worthy of anyone's hatred, least of all your own. I mean, picture yourself as you were as a small child. Now imagine someone saying "I hate you!" to that lovely child. Is that acceptable? No, it is not. And it's no more acceptable to direct hatred at the person you are now.

Blame says: "I am bad." Self-hatred becomes the solution.

Responsibility says: "I acted badly." Taking positive action becomes the solution.

That's what I mean when I said you are desperate to blame yourself. You are stuck thinking that bad actions mean that you are bad person. You demonstrate that when you say that you hate yourself and expect others to hate you too. That's very harmful thinking, and it stops you from growing (since a bad person can't possibly be any better.)

But if you accept that you are a perfectly fine human being who does some bad things sometimes, like all of us flawed humans do, then you are not killing your own self-worth, and you have a chance of growing (because a person who made a mistake can learn to avoid that mistake in the future).

All abusers say this to their 'victims'
YOU are the abuser!
YOU have mental health issues!
YOU are crazy.
When in fact all they are doing in 'projecting' their own inadequacies onto the other person.
They ALL say it. They really do.
He's done a real number on you.
I hope your therapist can help.
But as per my previous post, do please do Womens Aid Freedom Programme.

Can I ask if he smokes weed?

hmm i do get your point. but i can't forgive myself unless i know my perspective and i still think it may be clouded but my honest perspective is that i am an abuser etc. and i am to blame because it's true... maybe 'hate' is not the right word. but him, probably his family and definitely me anyway think of myself as an abuser/bully and think differently of myself because of that in a bad way... because i do blame myself for hurting him because i did and i do blame myself for the failure of the relationship and making him miserable and mistreating someone who i meant to love and care about.

to hellsbellsmelons, hmm i don't know. i was abusive to him... i don't know if he was abusive to me like you say. no he doesn't smoke weed. he used to have a drinking problem hasn't drunk any alcohol in a year. he is a really nice, sweet person and did try with me. when i read the gas lighting description i thought you might have a point but i think you could probably apply that to lots of people and it's difficult to really say. Whereas, I definitely did control him and throw something in anger. Also, I'm worried I am a manipulative, abusive narcissistic person and that I'm manipulating people on here to think i'm the one being abused when i'm the abuser. I feel like that's exactly what a manipulative abuser would do and I don't know if I'm even doing that or not.

I think that thinking about it is unhelpful. You can learn things in therapy, but just having these 'abuse/abuser/anger/blame' thoughts circling round your head again and again are not helpful.

I don't know much about OCD but I suggest tentatively that you do everything you can to stop thinking about it. Do you have techniques you have for intrusive or repetitive thoughts?

Sending you all good wishes.