Is it possible to make real 'true' friends as you get older?

[Thunderwing]

Following on from another thread about friendships changing as you age, there are a lot of posts on there about people being friends from a young age and maintaining that friendship for life. I wonder if it's possible to make that same kind of genuine deep friendship with someone that you meet as an adult?

I ask because I come from a military upbringing where childhood friendships were mostly fleeting. Friends I had at school have settled all over the known world and as such we have drifted apart, with only the odd Facebook comment here and there to keep contact. I have found it unspeakably difficult to make friends in civvy street. It's almost impossible to break into the friendship groups of people who have been together since primary school without constantly feeling like the third wheel. I have a nice working relationship with my colleagues, I think I get on well with them and will text them outside of work but I know that never in a million years would I be invited to go out with them socially because they have their own friends, and they wouldn't be a shoulder for me to lean on in times of need. It's incredibly lonely at times, and being that I'm still only in my early 30's I hate to think that the rest of my life will be like this. I would love to hear other people's experiences....

And no more heroes too. Maybe we should all get together

I could have written your post/what other PP have said.

I live in my husband's hometown (moved here after he left the army 2 years ago) and I have no friends. I text/email two friends I went to secondary school with and I see other mums regularly at groups but I wouldn't call them friends, most of them I know their DCs names but not theirs!

DH is still friends with his school friends but isn't overly bothered about socialising much. I just wish I had a friend to meet up with a couple of times a month. I feel like I get a lot of knock backs and it gets me down. I recently bumped into a girl I worked with for a short while before I had DC2 and I felt like shit afterwards, not because she was mean, she was really nice and chatty, but because we'd sent messages a couple of months ago about meeting up and she never confirmed a date. I just felt like a fool and even more isolated.

No friends left from school. Most of my close friends now are from uni, though I'd say that's because we all settled in the city we graduated in: had we moved apart we might still be in occasional contact, but I probably wouldn't count as close friends.

New close friends since then: people I met (indirectly) via work in late 20s, now 33. These friends are now completely integrated with my uni friends, to the point that people forget how we know them.

I do have more recent people I invite to drinks, but haven't known them long enough to call friends yet.

If there is someone I'm interested in getting to know better, I invite them to things. Sometimes it's taken up, sometimes it isn't. I'll ask a couple of times before giving up, assuming they are not interested. Some have turned up but things have petered out.

On top of friends there are all sorts of people I know and see in connection with shared interests, and this is fine and I am happy to see them, but if it doesn't go beyond the interest, I don't count them as friends.

I do find my friendship groups very dependent on physical proximity. There is only so much you can do to maintain a relationship with someone you see once a year versus the people you see every week.

MrsW28, I'm so sorry that you feel so isolated. From experience I know what it's like coming out of the military bubble back into real life, and it's not easy at all. You shouldn't feel like a fool though, if she didn't confirm a date and was still chatty when you met up again I shouldn't wonder if she just totally forgot or something came up - maybe try again?

It's sad and encouraging at the same time to know that I'm not alone in this boat. Loneliness is not limited to the older generations it seems. I'm sure people must see me out and about and assume that I am happy because really, who at my age has no one to talk to?

I was speaking to DH about this last night, my DMIL has no friends outside of family, and I can see that being my future too. In the past when I was off work recovering from an operation, I didn't speak to anyone other than my DH for weeks on end.

Sorry for the self-pitying wallow.

Have a look at meetup.com
It's a website for likeminded people to come together. There are an extraordinary amount of 'meet ups' for socialising, cycling, walking, business, singles... So many more
You set the area you're in and your interests and you can join in an established group or you'll get email alerts for new groups formed. Or you can create one yourself.
Good luck. It can be difficult when you feel you have no close friends

I've also found it hard to make 'proper' friends in my 30s. I moved to our current home town when I got married in my late 20s and never really made friends here until I had DC. Like you, my family moved around a lot when I was a child and I also moved around quite a bit for work before I got married so don't have a shared past with people who live nearby. Lots of the people I met in my town have loved here all their lives and so already have a close network of friends- I went on nights out etc occasionally but always felt more like an observer than anything as inevitably there as lots of talk about their shared past/people I didn't know etc. When I was on maternity leave with DC I made better friends here- I think the trials and tribulations of having our first DC gave us the shared experiences etc to build a friendship on. I found that there were actually more people here than I thought that had also recently moved into the area and we sort of developed our own support network.

You mention that your DC is 3 and has additional needs- is there a relatively local group for families with these additional needs? Other parents who are facing the same challenges as you could also be looking for an understanding friend. As PP have also said, a book club would be a good way of having an excuse to meet other people as an adult (ie not as someone's mum)- I go to one sometimes and there is no secret we very rarely actually discuss books.

Thanks for the tip BrusselSprout, I had a quick look and there isn't much in my area at the moment but I might try and start my own group and take it from there!

Thank you, it is difficult, and I'd be quite happy for any kind of social life at the moment contemplating joining the pensioner's hill walking group

Yes absolutely I met a new friend a few months ago and we get on like a house on fire

I have new friends who I feel will be friends for life.

I have a couple of old friends from school - I don't have a lot in common with them in terms of interests or lifestyle, but I care deeply about them and they'll always be my best friends.

But through my career, I have made new friends who do have the same interests and lifestyle as me. There are lots of colleagues who I'm 'friendly' with, but one or two have stood out and stuck.

My most recent friend is someone I met a year ago (I'm 39), we instantly struck it off - we don't live near each other but are in regular contact through work and socially, and I just know she's a friend for life because we click.

So don't lose hope OP, keep open and people tend to just pop up in your life.

Yes chunkymum, we used to attend a weekly group for children with additional needs but we all live quite far from one another and the group has now been disbanded. I tried to organise a night out with the other mums a couple of times but none of them could make it despite having several dates to choose from. Some of the children are severely disabled and have spent a lot of their lives in hospital and have on-going health issues so it didn't seem right to push the issue, plus I didn't want to seem like the desperate billy no mates!

Thank you ungoogleable I know I need to keep an open mind and stay positive.

For one reason or another it's getting me down quite a bit at the moment and I am actually irritating myself with the maudlin

I'll be fine after a glass bottle of prosecco or two at the weekend!

It is hard Thunder especially when you try to organise stuff which falls flat.

All you can do is keep yourself engaged and active in your community, and people will come into your life

I was a forces child so no friends before secondary. My secondary was private, so moved with df's job but dbro and I didn't, iyswim. One friend from secondary.

I moved abroad at 23 and have two good friends from university, very good friends. Two good friends I met abroad around age 26/27 who since moved back to the UK but still very much good friends.

One friend I have here offered me a lift in the rain once, friends since 2007.

My best friend, who is a truly great honest friend, (and i have also introduced her to Lift friend ^^) I met when I was about to substitute some of her work. We chatted over coffee... then laced coffee... then beer we have been pissed friends ever since. We met when I was 34, she was 36. We just hit it off and haven't stopped talking since.

I have never had a group of friends, but 2 or 3 close friends in different circles plus aquaintances. I'm much better in groups of 3, or max 4. Any bigger and I just drift away!!

I don't think there is a secret. I started chatting randomly to a mum at ds' school and hit it off - but at least 85% I have nothing in common with. Smile, hello, yes you can rely on me to bring the biscuits on Thursday for X-day... but nothing further, and that is totally ok.

I'll be your online friend

I am 50 and I have friends made in many different periods of my life.

I have a great friend from when I was pre-school, a couple of friends from my late teens, a couple of close friends from different work situations, and more recently some very dear and wonderful friends from an activity / hobby I have been involved with. These later friends are people that I have met who have really 'got' the person I am now ( and I have 'got' them).

OP interestingly the only period of my life from which I don't have ongoing friendships is in the years when I had young children. At the time I met people who were going through the same intense experience but I think that was the only thing we had in common. I worked part-time which felt like the worst of both worlds (friendship-wise) the SAHMs were a tight-knit group and my work colleagues viewed me as a light-weight.

As I look at my friends now, I think that some of my friendships made when I was young are based on a shared history and a shared age-related experience, but not on a shared philosophy. The friendships I have made over the last 10 years are more diverse (in age and in background) but are based on more deeply held convictions and principles. These later friendships include a lady who is in her 80s, a work colleague and his wife, a friend in Ireland (we mostly speak on skype) and a friend who is/was an alcoholic.

OP I understand that where you are is very different from where I am, but please don't think that it is not possible to forge good and strong and sustaining friendships in any period of your life.

I've only had proper good friends, the sort you tell all your secrets to (well, most 😉) and who will be there for you whatever happens, in my 40s. Friendships before that were transient and fleeting. I don't think I really had any friends, other than dh, in my 20s.

Yes of course it is!
Two of my best friends I only met within the last couple of years ( I'm 48! )

Not sure where abouts in the country you are OP but you sound lovely and I'd be more than happy to get together for Friday night Vinos if you're anywhere near me.

In answer to your OP. 4 of my best friends are from my childhood/ school days, HOWEVER, these have all in the last 2 years relocated to other places. I still see each of them about 3-4 times a year as luckily they still come back here regularly and I go up and spend weekends with them. So although they're not near, we never go more than a couple of months without a get together. I guess it's just about priorities and making the effort.

Now all my other friends that are around here are friends I've made in the past 3-10 years (I'm 28) whom I've met through my hobby, or through friends or work.

I have to say though, it IS effort to maintain these friendships sometimes and I really do have to play social secretary sometimes if I want a night out, dinner, Friday night drinks etc. But it's worth it and it keeps me busy socially. Don't be deterred if people say no, wait a few weeks and ask again and if they make excuses again (that don't seem genuine) then move on to other people. Definitely get your diary out and try and organise something though.

I have friends made from different time periods. My closest friend is a woman I met at work when I was 30 and it's a friendship of over 18 years.

Plans over next month include meeting up with a friend who I first met when we sang in a women's choir 5 years ago. I will also be meeting for the very first time a woman friend I have met through our shared passion of video gaming. We have gamed and chatted together for 6 months I always joke how we met on the moon, as we were on it in a game we were playing.
I have also become friends with 3 women through the school gate.

One of these Mums had her DS when a teenager so she is 15 years younger than me and the oldest friend I hang out with is a 76 year old widow who is a bloody hoot and encouraged me to buy heels with silver butterflies on to wear on my birthday and laughed and told me that I should wear just them and nothing else for my DH, we met in a bible study class.

I have started to go for coffee with a woman who works in my local branch of game, again shared passion for gaming. She is young enough to be my daughter. I actually like having friends across a diverse age range.

Yes of course it's possible to make friends as an adult! I haven't got any close friends from my school days, though I've got a few of them on FB. My oldest close friend I met when I was 17/18, and then a couple who were my neighbours in my early twenties. I've made plenty of friends since then - two spells at uni in my twenties and thirties, friends I made when my daughter was small (in my thirties), neighbours etc.

We moved to where we live now 7 years ago, and since then I've made 4 or 5 good friends and a handful more mates/people it's nice to have a good chat with or the occasional coffee/night out. The way I've met my good friends has mainly been through my daughter, especially as she was home educated for a while so I met people at social groups. Also a school mum who we then got talking about our dogs and started walking the dogs together. Dogs are brilliant for meeting people - I got chatting to a woman with her dog in the garden centre last week and we ended up talking outside for over half an hour. I was a volunteer for a while and became good friends with my team leader - she is a steadfast and wonderful friend. I'm friendly with a few of my neighbours, too.

I have no interest in being part of a friendship 'group', though - groups scare me, especially groups of women! I have a friend/friendly aquaintance/mate who organises group nights out and I have been a couple of times - it was fun but I get very anxious that I've transgressed social rules or been too loud or something (I have Asperger's). Usually I much prefer to spend time with people one on one, or as couples.

I think it's very difficult if you work full time, because you just don't get the chance to meet people. It's definitely possible, though!

I gave 3 women I would consider my 'best friends' one who I met at 12yo, one at 22 yo and one who I met at 32yo.

Looking at that I must be due a new one as 42 is looming!

The friend from my twenties was the girlfriend (now wife) of one of my DH's colleagues. Does your DH have any friends with nice partners who you could socialise with as couples? Might be a new way to make a connection?

I've been wondering the same thing. I have friends from high school, but none of them are in this country. I sort of made couple of mum friends, but then moved about 1000miles north, been here 6 months, but find it hard to make friends. I barely get a hello back at nursery drop offs, makes me wonder what's wrong with me

I don't think I have any close friends - when I moved abroad people I assumed I was close to just never kept in touch. There's some superficial Facebook commenting but no real close bond. I haven't made any friends here either. I'm quite self sufficient so generally I'm ok but sometimes it really gets me down. I think at the core I'm just not someone people want to be close friends with. Oh well

Fomalhaut (great name!) - I'm with you. I'm self sufficient but find most people to be rather superficial. I find a lot of people basically are flakes; they seem to have loads of stuff going on but never confirm, or cancel or can't commit to anything. I bet they're sitting at home watching telly! I am on the autistic spectrum, so maybe I'm too 'weird' for a lot of people, but we autistic folk do still like friends and socialising, just not too much! I don't really have any friends from school beyond a Facebook list; I made some at work but they turned out to be utter, backstabbing bitches. So it's easier to be solitary. I lost a few mates when I got divorced too; not because they 'sided' with him, but because they felt awkward about what to say. Pathetic.

Making really good friends is a long term process. Start by being friendly. Offer up invitations to other mums at school or join in with volunteering at the school so you get to know a good few people. If play dates are hard at home why not suggest park play dates in the summer and get to know some mums better?

Agree with book clubs, again a slow burn way to get to know people. Anything that involves going places and meeting new people.

I've got a lot of friends and usually they amount to one or two people I have known through each stage of life: a couple from school, one or two from uni/training, a couple from each significant job, a couple from the school gates, several partners of dh's friends and lastly, I've made a couple of very close friends via dog walking.

I must add that I put a lot of effort in. Email regularly to arrange meet ups, take a lot of interest in ther lives and remember the details. It sounds as if you've had lots of friends but drifted apart through circumstance. That suggests you can maintain friendships, too. Even email friends are better than none at all.

Keep at it and update your progress. No short cuts though, sorry.