My friend is having an affair.

[UntilTheCowsComeHome]

My best friend told be recently that she is having an affair with a married man.

She is also married, I thought happily, but clearly not.

I feel really weird about the whole thing. I don't know what to say to her.

I feel protective of her; I don't want her getting hurt.
I feel sad for her DH. I've never been close to him but he's a decent bloke who loves her.
I feel sorry for the wife of this other bloke, she has kids a similar age to mine. My friend has seen photos of them which totally got my back up, I'd hate that if I was this poor woman.
My friend works closely with this bloke, her job is incredibly important to her, how is she going to deal with things at work?

And really importantly, my friend has mental health issues and at the moment she's all happy and excited, I'm worried that when this all goes to shit, she'll become very ill.

How the hell do I get her to see that this is going go fuck her life up? She doesn't want it to end at the moment, she's too caught up in the excitement and 'romance' of it all.

What do I say?

I could have written your post a few years ago. Exactly the same thing happened to me.

I told my friend the truth: that it would feel like fun at the start, but that feelings would quickly become involved and that she would soon find herself in a world of emotional pain. That she'd feel used and marginalised. That she would be inflicting immense pain on another woman, which would make her feel just awful (she never cared about this, so I was wrong about that).

But I also made it clear I'd be there for her when it went wrong. Which it did, in spectacular fashion. She really, really needed a friend at that moment and I was glad I could be there.

It did change our relationship - I did think less of her for doing it and especially for not minding the pain she inflicted on the man's wife (who was very, very vulnerable). We are still friends, and I am still the person she calls when she needs hand-holding. But we are not so close any more.

How old are her DCs? And the OWs? Awful situation.
You can't do much really. But I would keep talking to her about it and keep asking how she would feel if her husband found out and left her (not that directly) and she was on her own. Or if she was responsible for the breakdown of another family.
Hopefully you will ask her at a point when the rose tinted glasses aren't working too well and she will realise what a mess it is.

Particularly concerning is the mental health issues you mention. If she isn't thinking straight, she could screw up her entire life, without really having a sensible head on her shoulders. Its another angle - you could check she's taking her medication and she isn't doing this to seek some kind of artificial high. If her medication was right do you think she'd be doing this?

the lack of human empathy and compassion on this thread is sad.
I wish i was so saintly as some of the posters.

OP...if you feel uncomfortable , then maybe quietly and supportively talk to your friend, say that you wont act on the information but you would rather not hear the details.

Your friend will get hurt, everyone does in these situations, you can support some one who is hurt , irrespective of how the hurt came about.

Life is so simple when viewed through a black and white lens isn't it? Everyone who has an affair is an unpaid prostitute and everyone whose partner has an affair is an innocent victim whose happy world is shattered by that one thing.

Except life isn't like that, and no-one knows what goes on on the inside of someone else's marriage.

No, affairs should never be the answer, and in an ideal world people would end their marriages before embarking on a new relationship. But sometimes it's meeting someone else which makes people see that something isn't right or even untenable. The OP said her friend is in a marriage which has no intimacy. So perhaps the OP has been thrown into a world where suddenly she feels wanted. of course it's not ok, especially not if she has no intentions of leaving her marriage.

OP, at the moment your friend is in that state of almost addiction to the OM. She isn't going to want to hear that what she's doing is wrong, or that she should be doing X or Y. But I would ask her gently whether she is planning to leave her marriage. And if she says no I would ask how she is planning to cope if her DH finds out and files for divorce on the basis of adultery. Or if the OM's wife finds out and does the same. /because right now she feels she is in control, but there are too many people in the equation to be sure of that.

the lack of human empathy and compassion on this thread is sad.

The OP friend doesn't seem to have much human empathy or compassion for her DH or the wife of the OM does she?

Wow lots of comments, thank you.

Just to clarify a few things. My friend doesn't have any DCs, she couldn't have them, her DH never wanted them. This is a source of upset which she has received counselling for. She admitted that part of the OM's appeal is that he has kids and seems a good dad (I did tell her that a good dad wouldn't cheat on his DC's mother)

She doesn't know the OM's wife, but has been told that he has had affairs in the past and she has always turned a blind eye.

I told her that I will be there for her when it all falls apart, because it will fall apart. She seemed to know this and I think that's part of the excitement for her.

Her MH is a concern. This is undoubtedly the 'risky behaviour' a pp mentioned. The places they have gone together tell me that she has no concern about being caught.

Her job is stressful and she was involved in something very traumatic that affected her deeply. Instead of seeking the correct counselling she turned to this bloke because he said he knew what she was going through. I think he preyed on her vulnerability.

I don't want to talk to her about the ins and outs of the affair but I do want to talk to her again about her mental state and to help her to seek help that way. I don't know when the last time she saw her counsellor was, so I will encourage her to think about seeing her again.

I knew her MH played a part but seeing it again on this thread has made me see it clearer so thank you, it is helping me to work things through in my head.

You're a really good friend. She's so lucky to have you in her corner.

Some of the posters on here should remember that none of us are perfect.
People make mistakes.
I'm not justifying affairs, it's the worst thing to do, especially when there are DC involved but nothing is black and white.

Tell her clearly what you think about affairs and getting involved with married people. Listen to her but give no advice and try to get involved as little as possible.

I would stay a bit distanced from her while all this is going on. It's not going to end up well and you don't want to be caught up in a massive drama when you don't even morally enforce the situation.

Having MH issues is not a carte blanche to do whatever you want and hurt other people. It's very manipulative and unhealthy to use MH issues as an excuse to do hurtful things to the people you care about. If they wanted to have their romance, they should have broken up with their partners first, and then have all the sex they wanted.

Stay away from her and this situation, OP. It's a massive bomb shell heading your way.

Having MH issues is not a carte blanche to do whatever you want and hurt other people. It's very manipulative and unhealthy to use MH issues as an excuse to do hurtful things to the people you care about. If they wanted to have their romance, they should have broken up with their partners first, and then have all the sex they wanted.

Completely agree.

Some of the posters on here should remember that none of us are perfect.

You're right. I'm a bit lazy and self-absorbed but I still wouldn't fuck someone else's husband.

the lack of human empathy and compassion on this thread is sad.

Look, some of us here just do not have it in us to be sympathetic and supportive towards a friend telling us about fucking someone else's husband. Some of us just do not understand how anyone could do that. Some of us don't want to remain friends with someone who wants to discuss that with us, and you know what? That is absolutely fine.

Man cheats on wife. 90% of responses = absolute fucking scumbag.

Woman cheats on husband. 50% of responses = we never know what's going on in a marriage, "nothing is black and white", shouldn't be so quick to judge, there are issues involved, none of us are perfect

No, none of us are perfect, but it seems some of us are closer to perfection than others and some shades of black are darker than others.

OP, I think it boils down to your own, for want of a better term, moral character. Some of us - as is shown on this thread - do see things black and white and some of us don't. If you are struggling with this, you may find it better to distance yourself totally, or at least distance yourself until the shit happens but then still be there for her.

Whichever way you choose, and whichever way she chooses, you can't win and your friendship can never be the same. Because as well as being a shit to her husband and a shit to someone else's wife, she's being a shit to you to involve you in it.

Having MH issues is not a carte blanche to do whatever you want and hurt other people. It's very manipulative and unhealthy to use MH issues as an excuse to do hurtful things to the people you care about. If they wanted to have their romance, they should have broken up with their partners first, and then have all the sex they wanted.

Of course it's not a carte blanche, however it's a fact that mental illness can be at the root of out of character behaviour such as risky, promiscuous, disregard of others feelings, poor judgement, manipulative behaviour etc. I live with mental illness and the shame and horror when you get well and realise some of the things you have engaged in whilst unwell.

What a frankly stupid idea to suggest someone with mental health simply thinks things through sensibly and goes about them the right way. The clue is in the term "mental illness" you cannot think straight when very unwell.

I've thankfully never engaged in an affair, but I've done a lot of things that haunt me.

Perhaps this woman is simply a selfish cow, however the OP will know her character and if it's out of character and she's got a mental illness especially something like bipolar - big chance it's at play here.

I'm sorry if that makes me unempathetic, but whilst I could find it in myself to support a friend once she has realised she has fucked up royally and could warn her that is what she is doing, I could not stomach being a listening ear while she was in the midst of such revoltingly selfish, self-justifying, destructive and stupid behaviour. I just don't want to know how exciting someone finds it to have sex with a known philanderer who has a long suffering wife and children. If she can't see how awful the situation is, including her part in it,mthen she isn't in a state of mind to listen to anyone telling her and is just on an unavoidable collision course.

When people fuck up badly and make mistakes they soon find out who their friends are. Sounds like lots of people on this thread would be of the transient variety.

She doesn't think she's fucked up though 30DayDead? she thinks it is exciting to ruin a marriage and a family.

Being passive aggressive is a bit silly on a forum but I can try it too - sounds like a lot of people on this thread are morally-bankrupt enabling doormats.

Yeah, I remember my mum having a whinge that some of her friends backed off for her when she cheated on my dad. What did she expect? Who wants to be friends with a liar and a cheat?

OP, I would cool of the friendship. Remain as a social acquaintance, but no more than that. Do not get dragged into her sordid mess - she won't thank you and will be full of self righteous pity, so spare yourself that crap.

I think I'd be clear (and have in similar circumstances) that I did not approve, I didn't wNt to know any details and that I didn't like her as this person. I would pull away from the friendship making it clear that when she comes to her senses and seeks help (and admits that she needs it) I would be there then to support her. Good luck op. X

When a friend of mine had an affair with another friend at work, I tried at first to be the neutral friend who minded her own business and stayed the friend I always had been. But I couldn´t do it long term. I couldn´t go to her house and talk to her husband and kids, knowing what she was doing at work. In the end I had to look into my own heart and I realized that I couldn´t be "cool" with behaviour that went so against my own moral code and for myself, I had to take a step back from her. The friendship didn´t end, but we saw a lot less of each other. The affair ended and she was eager to be good friends again and we are closer than we were, but we will never be the friends we once were. That´s my choice not hers.

Agree with Sonja. Those saying that everyone makes mistakes - yes. But my personal line gets drawn around cheating. I was made complicit in several such situations, and I hated it. Cheating is something I am totally against. Doesn't mean I don't accept people make mistakes. The thing about friends is that it's about choice - I don't have to be friends with someone who goes completely against my moral code.