desperate friendship?

[friendsnomore]

I don?t make friends very easily. I?m the kind of person I?ve often read about on here, who can talk to people at the school gates but who can never get the friendship to go any further. However I do have this one friend who doesn?t live locally, so all my communication with her is mainly over msn and the phone. She?s a really lovely person and I think she?s great. However the contact seems to be very one-sided from me. I?m always the one who calls, and I?m always the one who strikes up a conversation if I see her logged into msn. Recently she?s not seemed to want to talk to me. If I talk to her on the phone she?s always in a hurry to go somewhere, if I talk on msn she?s always just in a rush to somewhere. I can?t help thinking that she?s just trying to drop the hint that she doesn?t really want to talk to me, but because she?s such a lovely person she won?t come out and say that she doesn?t want to talk to me. She knows how hard I find it to make friends so I wonder if she doesn?t want to tell me straight because she knows how rejected I will then feel.

But I want people to be friends with me because of who I am, not because they know I am no good at making friends and they can't bring themselves to cut contact with me.

Should I just stop contacting her? Am I coming across as desperate by trying to maintain a friendship which appears to be so one-sided?

OH I know how you feel. When I was about 16 I realised my best friend of 6+ years was very much like that, so I didn't make so much of an effort, and one day she just moved. That was it. I have started to not MSN/email/phone people i've been doing all the contact for recently, and it really sorts the wheat from the chaff IMO. I think maybe try taking a step back and see if she does any of the "running" ? xXx

i think some people are just crap at keeping in touch, and if one person does it all, then it's easier for them. maybe take a step back, and if she doesn't get in touch, she's not interested?

well - as I see it, there's three things that could be happening here.

1)as you suspect, she is trying to give you the brush-off without hurting your feelings

2. she genuinely has been busy recently and you just seem to catch her at the wrong times

3. she's not giving you the brush-off, she likes you and wants to stay in touch with you, but she can't really be bothered with lengthly phone/msn chats just now, for whatever reason.

Speaking as someone who is crap at staying in touch with friends and even close family, I would strongly advise against the "stop contacting her and see what happens" route. She's unlikely to hurry to contact you, and the risk is here that you'll interpret her lack of response as a message that she doesn't want to be mates with you when it might just be that as lovely as she is, she is also a bit rubbish and self-absorbed. Like me, in fact.

Instead, I'd advocate complete honesty. Explain that you feel as if you're making all the running and your friendship seems a bit one-sided. She's unlikely to be truthful about it if she does want to drop you as a friend. If she continues to be rubbish, even after you've told her your worries, then you've got your answer. However, she might be able to reassure you, and try to make a bit more of an effort in furture.

Incidentally, I loathe talking on the phone and, if its possible, I hate msn even more. I much prefer to keep in touch with long-distance friends with lengthy emails and occasional meet-ups - perhaps your friend is like me.

I completely agree with everything LazyEmma has said.

My first reaction to reading this was "Oh dear, is this me she's talking about?" I then read your post again and realised it couldn't be cos I don't do MSN! But I do always seem to be the one to end phone calls with people because I simply never have enough hours in the day to do everything I need to do, and invariably have a wailing child hanging from my leg or dinner in the oven or something. But I always appreciate that people have called. That's why I like mumsnet, and email, because you can reply at a time which suits you.

Conversely I have a friend who rarely calls me - it is always me who calls her - and yet I know she values our friendship. She is just crap at keeping in touch and I have just accepted it.

Why don't you write to her, and just say what you've said here? i.e. that you really value her friendship but that the last few times you've spoken she has seemed distant, and that you're wondering if you've just caught her at the wrong time or if she's OK?

If you ask her on the phone you're putting her on the spot, whereas this way she can think about it and decide what she's going to say to you.

hello friendsnomore

i was going to post about something just like this then saw your post. i am/was in the same situation as you, have finally realised it is all one sided from me.

Recently called again to make an arrangment and again she brushed me off. I am resolved now not to dwell on it and to try and move on without her friendship.

it really, really hurts though and i feel sad about it and lonly and feel myself starting to wonder what's wrong with me..but will not go down that route. what did you do in the end.

i have also a friend who since she's had her baby hasn't bothered keeping in contact much whereas before she went on maternity leave it used to be every 3/4 weeks now has drifted into 8+ weeks & when i try to call her she's never in or decides to ignor my call(?)
i joined a toddler group & slowly started making new friends and inviting them & kidies round for playdates.
when i do meet up with my friend, i feel different more carefree about the friendship.
could you see if your child would want to meet up with a friend after school, maybe their mum feels exactly the same as you and you could strike up a friendship there?