how to break the cycle of being ignored by my mum

[OneAPecker]

my mum is stonewalling me. she does this rregularly to people after a perceived slight. just closed herself off, won't phone me. basically ignoring me. it is a type of emotional abuse I've come to live with. I can't see that we can ever have a normal honest relationship, but I feel so worried about her living alone and suffering from health problems. suddenly I want to stop this by phoning her, chatting merrily as if nothing had happened and then continuing to phone her as and when I want to. that way I'm stopping her ignoring me and I get some control back rather than putting up with it and going along with the game?

Unfortunately I have less patience than you and would leave her. That immature behaviour is annoying from an older person and the days when I relied or depended on my parents are over.

My mum's mum was like this and my mum just used to phone at the same time every week... Hi mum, lovely week, kids did A B and C.. how are you, speak to you next week.

That way whatever Nana said mum knew she had checked in, Nana was alive... my aunt did much the same... and a neighbour used to ring whenever Nana went off on holiday, to save them worrying about her not answering the phone!

It is tiring, but if you can't go NC then it could be a solution.

I've taken to mirroring in relationships.

What I mean by this is that I mirror the time, effort and commitment of the other person in our relationship.

What this does is to get me to look at what others bring to my life, and take away the guilt from reducing/cutting contact.

It's very liberating.

I know what you mean, Joysmum. That thinking freed us from DHs weird family... then I realised I could apply it with equal care less ness to my own

The relief... so very, very nice.

It was a suggestion from my counselling as I'm a people pleaser, rescuer and overcompensater.

It's working a treat

You don't get the control back this way. You prove that she can treat you badly and get away with it, she won't have to apologise, she won't have to change her behaviour, you'll run after her. It must feel great for her to be chased like that even after bad behaviour. If she's feeling bad ignoring is a great way to get an ego boost.