Marriage problems advice requested

[user1465818951]

Our marriage has never been a bed of roses. Last few years I’ve been trying to tell DH that every argument and episodes of name calling etc etc are damaging our relationship/kids. These are fairly low level but nasty all the same and a lot of passive aggressiveness from DH. We’ve been together 10years , married 6. One DS (mine from prev relationship but DH been in his life since age of 3) and one DD.

Tried to have a conversation with him a few weeks ago rationally, tried to say that I felt neither of us could be happy as we can’t even drive 2 minutes down the road without arguing. In company or at social events however we look like the perfect family. It felt to me that I was either making him very unhappy or he just not cut out for family life. He poo-poohed me and nothing changed. I began to wish that he’d have an affair or something to provide an excuse to separate.

All of a sudden this wk end DH has had an epiphany? He instigated a conversation about how bad things have been, he says it’s all his fault, and he’s scared how much he’s damaged our relationship. Even mentioned that he felt his own behaviour was domestic abuse!? I just can’t get my head round this massive about turn after so many years? Asked him if something happened, did he have an affair or what has prompted this.. Just said he’s been reflected and looking at himself. He’s declaring undying love for me and promising the earth. Asked if I still love him. Only answer I could give is that I really don’t know & being brutally honest I don’t know if it’s fixable. Now he’s in a melt-down saying it’s all his fault and wants to fix it desperately. He’s waiting to see a dr as seems to spiralling into mental health problems. I know this is terribly terribly cold hearted, but I just don’t want to deal with mental health problems. I don’t have the capacity & this is making me want to run away further (my previous ex committed suicide). I’ve already told him the best way to fix things is to change his behaviour and we’ll work on it – the proof is in the pudding. But wallowing and obsessing is going to drive me away.

To confuse matters further, I very nearly had an affair in the last few weeks. Nipped in the bud before it happened but I still think of him & deep down I did want it to happen.
So now I’m finding it very difficult to understand what I even want anymore…. I know the OM was a fantasy, we didn’t even really know each other, but the very fact that it nearly happened makes me think I’ve checked out…

I am a hot mess of guilt over how DH is feeling now.

Not sure what I want from this thread but any advice in how to move forward & untangle what I want be appreciated.

Maybe he suspects you want to leave or the other guy was interested?

But notice how even when he's apologising, he's still carrying on making it all about him?

Yes Aussiemum... he's even recognised that himself but persists!

I want to tell him i love him dearly and it will all be ok but I don't know that i do or it that it will..

Firstly, congratulations on being brutally honest with yourself. I've learned the hard way that not acknowledging your feelings leads to confusion, anxiety and unhappiness for everyone.

I would suggest that you are not quite so brutal with your DH though - if he does have MH issues you need to be gentle and understanding, but this doesn't mean you should do what he wants you to do. You cannot make other people happy. They have to do that for themselves.

Not sure what to advise tbh. Time, talking and a lot of thinking. Counselling? It does sound to me as if the relationship has run its course for you and that you do want to end it. I wonder if DH has finally sensed this and is trying to make amends. Only you can decide whether or not it is too late for you. Just don't let him guilt-trip you into staying. And if does have MH issues you can help him with those but it doesn't mean you have to stay together if you don't want to.

Give it a while and see if it is all words or there is real change - the proof of the pudding etc.

Well at least he's recognised it's his behaviour that caused the problems. He's doing the right thing by getting medical help, but you need to figure out if you want this.

Maybe wait and see what the diagnosis is first.

There's no saying he's in such a bad way that he would commit suicide, but if you have no desire to deal with any mental health issues then just be done with it and let him know.

Unfortunately, it might be too late for the marriage.

Thanks all. Giving it a while seems best solution also. I've told DH this but he seems to be trying to push me into a decision. I told him if he feels he wants to go, even to clear his head, by all means do and I won't stop him.

He says the period of trying will be horrible as he feels under the spot-light and I don't really know how to counter that.

Waiting to hear how he got on at drs...

Sorry but I'd have left long ago, fighting all the time in front of children is selfish and damaging. Do you honestly think he's going to turn into Mr Nice Guy, no nor do I, you know the right thing to do OP.

So he's saying that its not worth him trying unless you give him guarantees of everlasting love? Doesn't sound that committed to me.

Why would you have to counter it? I expect it will be unpleasant for him to know he is being judged. No point pretending otherwise.

As for making a decision now, can you say something like "I am willing to wait and see what changes you manage to successfully sustain. It might be too little too late for both of us. Let's see what happens."

Of course, if you already know in your heart that it is too late, best to end it now so he doesn't have false hope.

Personally, I'd struggle with knowing he had it in him to change all this time but only when he got a sniff that I might leave did he put any effort into it. All those miserable years.

Thanks again all.. He went to drs, was given Prozac to deal with hyper-stress with a choice to take it or not. Got a leaflet for marriage counselling. After much debate he seems to have decided not to take the medication and try deal with it.

I haven't handled his desire to talk about it well. Everyone has stressful lives. I work full time too, have a family to look after etc etc.

He is now in overdrive to prove himself as committed husband. We did argue a lot previously but always tried to protect the kids so I don't believe it's damaged them to date. But I felt neither of us could be happy. He constantly complained about my ability to keep on top of housework etc and often name-called under his breath etc. I often rose to the occasions and retaliated.

His intense blaming himself and trying to bend-over backwards is now making me uncomfortable. That probably sounds odd, I just want things to be normal with no arguing! This intensity is driving me mad. I asked him outright if something else happened, i.e. another woman, which is actually driving his guilt. He categorically denied it with statements of 'I could never do that to you..' etc

I know it's far from ideal but I had snooped on his phone before this all kicked off... saw text msgs with a girl a work. Innocent msgs but in a couple he called her an over familiar nick-name that sent alarm bells. Looking again I noticed they'd msgd this wk, purely functional work related msgs - but the previous msgs had been deleted... I suppose that could mean nothing ...

Well in your OP you clearly say you feel the arguing has damaged your relationship and affected your children!

Of course it has, arguments can be heard even out of sight.

I can't help but think this just won't work, whether he is pulling out the stops or not, you might just not work, it happens all the time!

As for the texts, sounds like you don't trust him either.

Be honest, can you really see yourself with him until the day you die, if so then yes plough on, if not, life's too short.

thanks Adora, all you say is true...

I just don't really know what I want.. now all the focus seems to have turned to his mental health.. I feel i want to be alone but in the same token can't face the whole upheaval of separation and what that would do to the kids, DH etc...

I guess I need to be clear what I really want..