Is this controlling/unreasonable behaviour?

[bluemaid]

My hubby keeps telling me to 'stop fighting' all the time. What he means with fighting seems to be when I comment on something such as "isn't it son's bedtime/dinnertime?" or whatever, which he probably hears as criticism, even when I meant it as a normal bit of communication, which he could reply with something sensible such as "Oh yes it is, silly me, I forgot what time it was!". Instead he starts shouting at me to stop fighting! This is followed by demands to do this or that (shut up, sit down etc) and if I'm not doing it he loses his temper completely. I find it almost impossible to say anything to him because of this. He sees this as completely my problem, we've had this for years and I'm still "fighting" and I'm not learning anything etc. We've had couples counselling/therapy and it seemed to help but he's stressed again and shouting at me a lot more (at least once a week). I don't think I'm especially demanding/critical and this happens even when i'm in a good friendly mood... we do have age difference and cultural difference, i wonder if that's the problem but we've been together for over 15 years now, you would think he knew me by now.

I'm sorry but growing up seeing parents being violent and abusive to each other is much worse than having separated parents.
It is right to leave an abusive relationship.

I suppose it depends on how bad you think it is?

can you imagine spending the rest of your life living with him as he is now? Because he probably won't change much, if at all.

I think a lot of women on these boards come on here knowing they cannot stand the way they are living any longer. They feel they and their sanity, their children, the life they have just can't go on. Sometimes they really struggle to accept that, but nevertheless, deep down, know that that is the case.

You have to come to that decision in your own time, I think.

Oh dear, OP, if your son at least had some brothers and sisters that he could hide in the corner with while you two are at it hammer and tongs.

It must be terrifying for the wee lad.

There are lots of different forms of abuse, but in my experience, domestic violence is accompanied by isolating the partner from family and friends, denigrating their abilities, etc. etc. You are living in another country from your family, which moreover is dysfunctional, all of which is very convenient for your husband, he tells you that incapable... etc. etc.

Do you really want your son to grow up to beat up his wife or girlfriend? Do you think that he will be happy like that?

Thanks, I've got lots to think about. It hasn't got any better during the last few weeks, we've had the usual ups and downs - we had another horrible camping trip where I wished he had not come, and I also realised recently that he misunderstands almost everything I say to him - from basic things to something complex like my feelings. I did actually say to him that he has 4 weeks to clean his act or I'm leaving - He doesn't take me seriously though. And it's true there's nowhere for me to go or to make an adequate living for myself & my son, so I'm staying with him until such time I can do something about it. I think it's important for things to be stable for our son. I'll find my friends outside marriage... like I have for years now.

Do not move abroad with this man. It will be a massive mistake. The problem is him. He will still be a problem wherever you live b

I did actually say to him that he has 4 weeks to clean his act or I'm leaving - He doesn't take me seriously though. And it's true there's nowhere for me to go or to make an adequate living for myself & my son

Never issue ultimatums you can't and won't go through with. It's pointless and puts you in a weak position.

What you can do if he doesn't make the changes, is say something along the lines of you will disengage from the relationship and be there in the home as a coparent only. Only say what you're going to do and what you can do.

Please don't move abroad with this man. You will be totally isolated. He will be more stressed in a strange place and his behaviour will get worse. If you leave him then you will not be familiar with the social welfare system or court system in that country. Your ds is more likely to be wayward in his teenage years if he lives in a dysfunctional home. It does sound like your dh has mental illness problems but if he refuses to see a doctor there is nothing you can do. I would feel so sorry for your ds to be in a foreign country practically alone. Has your dh got siblings here who might persuade him to access medical help. The danger in a new country is he could have a total break down and financially how will your life be better then. Don't go.

He sounds like he's got a massive ego and cannot be questioned in any language.

Hmmm. I have been feeling better about the relationship lately and feeling ok moving abroad actually. There's been no violence but a few bouts of him yelling at me, and parenting me instead of his son. We've been sleeping separately again because he refuses to turn off the light when I come to bed at midnight, and he's still on his laptop in the bedroom (this is how we spend all our evenings, in different rooms doing different things). Then today I asked him if he would like me to go the shops to get something for dinner (that he said he's cooking). He said he would go himself. I then asked him if he could get some medicine for me that I meant to buy, and I got this very unfriendly response of "why don't you get your own stuff, you have been out all day and you haven't done anything?" I wasn't actually out that long, and I wasn't very well, it's a Sunday, I need rest, it was the only day of the week he took son out, and I had still been doing stuff around the house. And I offered to go and do the shopping! But there's never any interest or understanding in my version of the story, so I didn't even try to explain. I think the reason for this behaviour was that he wanted to buy fags and thought that he can't ask me to buy them. He also sees me as doing nothing, and complains about my hobbies being a waste of time and money, while he's normally on his computer all day doing his own thing (which is not real work that brings in money) and ignoring his son and the housework. He would probably like it if I did everything and would leave him to his lofty thoughts... And btw it's almost 8pm and there's no sign of dinner even cooking. I can't complain about that or he would yell at me and leave me to cook it.

Tonight, it's our wedding anniversary. We couldn't go out so I cooked a nice meal and we ate in the garden. Then he put our son to bed and I stayed in the garden. I'm still there but he hasn't come to look for me, he came down and shut the door but didn't come out...? I think it's going the be the last one now.

He's actually been violent tonight! He came running to me shouting f# asshole, I'm gonna smash your face, then pushed me over, luckily I landed on the sofa. This happened after I had repeatedlly asked him to take over after I had the DS all day, just to put him to bath and bed, and hubby would just sit there and then actually go smoking rather than make any move towards childcare... So, what to do? All these women's helplines are useless btw, they don't answer!

You could phone the police (101 if he's not a threat right now). Or keep trying the helplines, they may be very busy but you will get through eventually. If desperate try the Samaritans.

This is much worse for your son than growing up in London.

If you move overseas depending on which country you could be trapped there or even be forced out and forced to leave your son.

OP...in the kindest possible way - i feel you need to get some personal counselling and perhaps therapy for yourself. Reading your posts it doesn't sound like a rational person talking or putting the best interests of their child first. It sounds like you're addicted to misery and playing the martyr.

we are planning to move abroad together (even if it kills us) Well.....your son will be left with one parent then.....or should i say 'just dad'?

Because it's something we've always wanted to do, and I couldn't afford it on my own, it will provide our son a better life and schooling, and us a better lifestyle etc etc If the materialistic and contrived life is what you want - then put your child into care and you two can swan off and live the 'life of riley'

i hope after the latest incident you've opened your eyes and will be actively making plans to leave him?

Don'tMindMe1, I don't really need anyone else to tell me that I'm not rational on top of my husband! On the basis of these few messages, you hardly know what's going on. Sorry but it's hard to make changes, afford to move out, know what to do, etc etc even if I could make that decision. Moving abroad was meant to mean we have more (family) time and less stress and can have a more self-sufficient lifestyle, not that we swim in money! And a big thing is better life for our son, better schools and a safer environment to grow up in, not some sort of urban ghetto jungle where teenagers get knifed. I find it really insulting that you seem to think I'm not doing what's best for my son. Sorry but I think I'm going to stop writing now if people are just getting judgemental, it's not helping the situation at all. I came here to find some help and support to help me make up my mind. Sorry if it sounds like I'm "addicted to misery".

Thanks mummytime,
I don't feel I can call the police because it doesn't feel like a real crime to report on, surely I'm just wasting their time? What can they do about it anyway?

bluemaid he has been violent towards you. That is a crime. Please tell someone in real life; a helpline, your GP, HEalth Visitor or social worker if you have one.

You appear to believe that you have no choices and can't leave with your son. I want you to know that you can.

You can call womansaid.org helpline they are great advice and can also suggest some things to help.

He pushed you and you fell - that alone is an assault which is a criminal offence. On top of that he threatened you. The police increasingly realise that "domestic incidents" need to be treated like any other crime.

I find it really insulting that you seem to think I'm not doing what's best for my son I'm sorry, that isn't what i think and not what i meant. i let my own feelings take over there so i apologise for being harsh.

The one thing that jumps out from reading your posts is fear. Believe me, i understand that fear. What i also see is you doing your best within your pre-conceived limits.

i know money, strategy, planning the future is hard. If it was easy to leave then none of us would have experiences to share or be able to offer support.

I've seen my own mother miscarry due to domestic violence. i've watched her be ground down, worn out and she would have most likely committed suicide years ago if it wasn't for her faith - and us kids. Nobody deserves that.

Getting out takes time, and it takes courage - but more importantly you need to be thinking clearly.

Currently, you're still emotionally too attached to him. You're still planning a future with him even though he's not capable of treating you with respect or having an adult, civilized conversation. If you're present & immediate future together are harmful to you and your son then what guarantee do you have that the 'tomorrow' you're planning will actually help you? You do realise that men like him can kill?

you're in a much stronger position leaving him whilst you're in a country that you are familiar with and have legal rights and support systems in place. you can always emigrate after you've left him.

A little over 2 weeks ago you told him that if he didn't sort himself out within 4 weeks you would leave him.

He did not change. He has been horrible to you and has now been violent again.

You are leaving then, right? How's the planning of that going? Been to the solicitor yet?

Can you list pros and cons of your relationship then look at how many of cons are vital to normal life?

You and your DS must be living in fear - this is not normal!

What plans do you have to leave?

Thanks. I have reported him to the police. I'm on holiday now on my home country, and I suddenly realised that I don't have to go back! I can stay here, son can go to school and we can live at my aunt whose house is mostly empty. I can get stuff sorted later and my family can support me sort term. It just might work!

Well done bluemaid that must have been a difficult thing to do. Glad you are safe now too.

Did the police tell you what the next steps are likely to be?

Well done for realising you don't have to stay in am utterly miserable life. It sounds horrendous. You can have a peaceful life with your kids.

Don't let him guilt trip you.

That was just the first step. I've only just let him know today and already he's bringing up the child abduction law... I have got legal aid here for free but they know next to nothing about English law. But the flight is cancelled. The police is very vague and saying I should come back for them to be able to arrest him.