SAHD - could he be depressed?

[alicatsg]

My dh is a SAHD with our 8mth old son. We've been together for about 12 years and married for 9, and we've always been really good friends. When I had ds we decided for a variety of reasons (financial, I love my career, he's never settled to a career etc) that he would be a SAHD which he seemed really keen on.

The problem is he's not doing anything - when I was SAHM (until a month ago) I did EVERYTHING and coped. It seems like looking after ds is so tiring for him he has to sleep for a couple of hours in the day, as soon as I get home and I end up doing the washing, cleaning and preping the bottles, all the night shift etc. At the same time he's got these ludicrous plans to learn guitar, learn to fly, build a shed, bake cakes, take on an allotment - every day something diff (and no we don't have money for the flying!!). Could he be depressed? Its not like he gave up a career he gave a damn about (and did his best to get out of working before this to be honest).

I don't know what to do - he won't talk about it, snaps at me if I try and isn't making any effort to stay in touch with his friends. I feel exhausted by his dependency - which is an awful thing to say in itself.

Sorry - this makes little sense - but any advice anyone has would be oh so gratefully received.

Sounds like he needs some time to get used to looking after a child all day.
I can understand being annoyed by his dependency though - we discussed dh being a sahd but I would have found it difficult!

oh dear poor you. It does sound like he is depressed. If you were doing all that stuff whilst you were at home, that means he was never doing any of it so I imagine that he was probably surprised by how much work it all was. I know my dh (if he ever has the kids on his own which is rare) is horrified by how much mundane work goes into looking after them - like tidying up after they eat, washing, dishwashing etc.

His ludicrous plans are probably coming out of frustration at feeling like he's not achieving anything. I know I felt like that when I stopped work. I felt like I got to the end of every day and hadn't actually done anything substantial. Very different to work where you have set tasks etc. I had to remind myself constantly when my kids were that age that I actually was doing a really important job - the most important job of all - and that is bringing up your kids! It was helped by having a really supportive husband. Perhaps you need to enforce what an important job he is doing (i'm not saying you aren't but maybe he is the type of person who needs encouraging).

Does he have any toddler groups he could go to? We have quite a few with SAHD dads in so maybe he could link up with a few people. I felt so much better once I had made a group of friends who I socialised with at home.

Do his friends have kids and are they at home during the day? I know some SAHD who have felt 'inadequate' once they have stayed at home. I'm not saying your dh feels that way but I know some men find it very demoralising at first.

Hope this helps. Sounds like it may end up being a bit more work for you though.

Maybe I'm just over-reacting (all this working is getting tiring)
thanks for the support