My mother doesn't seem to like my DH.

[TheseLittleEarthquakes]

Tbf I don't think she likes me that much either. There's a lot of history here so I'll try to keep it concise.

DH is a wonderful man. We've been together 9 years and he is Dad to my young teens from previous relationships (he has PR for them) and we have a four year old. He works full time in a professional role on a highish wage. I don't work due to ill health. He starts and finishes early so he can do the afternoon school run. We have never argued and are very loving towards each other.

My mother is constantly coming out with 'digs' about him. She has sneered in the past about him working 'part time' (comparing him to my BILs). The other day she asked how much he earned and I told her a ballpark figure and she made a face and said it was obscene. When I mentioned he was going for a promotion she scoffed and said it was very unlike him. She seems to have him pegged as lazy and a bit ineffectual. Even when he does overtime she feigns surprise that he's bothering as he's so 'lazy'.

He does at least 50% of the housework and childcare. But my mother is constantly comparing him (us, actually) to my youngest sister and her DH. They have two under three and she works pt, he works in a manual low paid job. They go on holiday about four times a year and my mother always says to me, oh they deserve their holidays, they both work so hard. We haven't had a holiday for two years.

She has said before that DH doesn't have much 'gumption', whatever that means. We always seem to come up short against my sister and her DH.

She has lent substantial amounts of money to both my sisters to buy property. My youngest sister hasn't paid the first loan back and has now been given a further loan to move house. When we were looking to move I tentatively broached the idea of a loan and got snapped at that 'the bank of mum and dad is closed'. We've never borrowed money from them. When I asked her a few weeks ago why this was she just said I didn't need their help, I have DH. A loan would have meant a much better mortgage deal for us, but whatever, we did it on our own.

She never seems to want to celebrate our successes. She seems to look down on DH but I can't understand why. He is friendly, had a great sense of humour, would do anything for anybody.

The awful thing is that without me telling him anything about the digs she makes, DH has now noticed that she doesn't seem to like him very much. We have a family event to go to soon and he really doesn't want to go, but will to support me.

What, if anything, can we do about this? It's breaking my heart.

DF loves DH. He is a lovely man and very bullied by my DM. They've been married forever and he won't do anything to upset her. She is vile to him.

Your DF cannot be a lovely man. He is your parent but he has not protected you from her. He is not lovely. He is an enabler who stands by as his child is hurt to avoid upsetting a bully. Lovely people do not use their children as human shields. Lovely people do not allow bullies to hurt their children.

True. Lots to think about.

My DH is in a senior management position and I work part time, own our house (albeit with a mortgage) and we are still most definitely at the bottom of the food chain. I often say the we could live in a mansion and earn millions and she would still find some to bitch about - 'what's the point of having all so rooms?'.

But how they raved about Dsis's house. It had an extra bedroom.

I don't bother saying anything as she will deny everything and turn it back on me.

What I do is not see them very often. Once this year so far.

As others have said it sounds like she is jealous of your life, don't let her put you down though and don't get down about it, just ignore and get on with your own life - you cannot and will not change her. Answering back appropriately is the only way to deal with these kinds of people.

Thank you all. It's interesting you all agree it's jealousy, that's not something I'd ever really considered as I have very low self esteem. But written down I can see it makes sense.

I agree with the idea that I'm 'above my station', I've had a lot of failures in my life (school, jobs, relationships) and I think the fact I'm doing well (materially at least) sticks in my DM's craw a bit. I'd never really thought about it that way before.

And obviously as DH is the architect of my 'success', she has to bring him down a peg or two.

Oh yes, this has always been about putting you and your DH back in your box.

OP have you ever considered that your low self-esteem may be related to your mother's constant putdowns, criticism and belittling of your successes?

Oh very much so. I have a diagnose personality disorder which causes me no end of problems, and the general consensus from therapy is that it's firmly at the door of my parents.

DH and I have had a big chat about it tonight. Lots came up. Like the fact I 'moved in'with my teenage boyfriend aged 15 (actually spent a few nights there and mum told me not to bother coming home) and my parents moved house without involving me. When I split up with him I had to sleep on the sofa bed in their new dining room. Later I got a job in a pub and when I came home at 2am one night after a staff meeting my mother put all my stuff on the front step in black bags. I was then homeless and lived on the streets/sofa surfed for just over a year. I called her on Xmas eve as I had nowhere to stay and it was cold , she told me I'd made my bed.

So much history.

Your DH sounds absolutely lovely and incredibly insightful and supportive. Of course your DM doesn't like your DH - she doesn't like you and your DH does therefore she can't like him either. Your DH is busy proving her wrong in her assessment of you so she has to prove that he's rubbish all the time.

You and your DH sound a great team. Please don't give your Mum ammunitition by telling her stuff about your lives like what his salary is or what your plans are.

I actually feel a bit sorry for your sister who is clearly the golden child but doomed to replicate all your mum's mistakes and stay glued to her side forever while you and your DH are working hard on creating a healthy future.

She let her young daughter sleep rough in the winter and at Christmas? :( That's cruel beyond belief. Has she ever apologised for it? What did your siblings do when she did that?

What positive things do you get out of your relationship with her, OP? The more you post the more I think you would benefit from low or no contact.

Do you have a good relationship with siblings?

It sounds from reading your OP that your Mum thinks you should be working and doesn't buy the "I don't work for ill health reasons". Is your ill health obvious? If not even if you've told her she may think you're just being lazy.

She probably thinks your DH should do longer hours of he's the only one working.

It does sound as though she just doesn't like you both much. It also sounds as though she's envious of your lifestyle. You talk about your sister's husband having a "manual labour" job. Could your mum think that you think you're better than them? It does appear your mum sneers at you somewhat and is trying to "bring you down a peg", which can happen if she thinks you're thinking you are superior to her and the rest of your family.

How do you (did you) come back from being ousted from the family home at 15 () and left on the streets at Christmas?
I wouldn't have thought there was any way back from that...
It sounds like you tiptoe round her, afraid to rock the boat again because you know what she's capable of, and this gives her a massive amount of control over you.
Are you deep down afraid of being rejected again?
Have you ever got angry and asked her why she let you down so badly?
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Keeping all that anger buried would make anybody ill.

I absolutely don't think we're superior in any way. I only mentioned BILs job to explain that they don't earn very much and this seems to be applauded by my mother, as though working long hours for low pay is more noble than working forty hours for a substantial amount.

I have severe mh problems and barely function in RL at the moment. My mother is aware.

She has rewritten history regarding me 'leaving home'. My dad has spoken to DH about it and sees it the same way I do, although he didn't do anything about it.

I don't think I've ever really got over it but life goes on.

You haven't gotten over it because she's still in your life, insisting it didn't happen. They both failed you.

Your mum sounds like mine
I do very little contact but kick myself each time I make the effort. Today will be one of those days and I already feel awful even before the visit.
Your mum can't be helping your mental health. Have you ever discussed that with her in any kind of family therapy? (my idea of hell).
Your DH (and you!) sound amazing.

Given your "D"M's vileness, I would a) tell her to STFU b) try and get your dad out. A pp said he was an enabler and a bad parent. He's also an abuse victim. It takes 35 attempts on average for the abused partner to leave. He's suffering from FOG, misplaced male pride and guilt at his enabling. Help him leave OP, and in saving him help save yourself.

It's disgraceful that your mother bullied you, and that your father enabled it. You've been badly let down by the pair of them, but you've done so well for yourself since and you should be proud. You've a lovely husband, 4 children, and 2 siblings with whom you (presumably, given that you haven't said otherwise) get on. So focus on the good stuff and cut out the bad. Your mother is a cancer - get rid of it.

I smell envy all over it.

If that was my mum, she wouldn't see me much at all.

I'd also tell her if she can't be respectful towards or about my DH, then she should keep her opinion to herself.

If there was no change I'd stop calling and visiting her.

Old age is not an excuse to be bloody rude and hurtful.