Boyfriend stealing from me

[fizzfiend]

I have a nannycam and was just flicking through and found my boyfriend taking his choice coins from the change bowl when I was asleep. Been together for 3 years but we don't live together. I feel like it's such a small thing but a huge thing too. If he does this to me, isn't that a lack of disrespect and what else is he going to take? Or am I overreacting?

It's his behaviour around taking the change and the dynamics of the relationship that would suggest you need to walk away

Dh and I live together are married and share everything financial so in that case if he woke me to ask for change his personal parts would be hanging on the nearest doorknob in three seconds flat (ahem sorry 6 month old and 3 year old....no one wakes anyone sleeping in this house or there are severe consequences)

So although this seems small if you don't share financial responsibility it's an issue.....if he behaves as if he's stealing then he is

Get rid he is an arse

I'd ask him straight up "did you take some change out of the change pot recently?"

See what he says. If he says "oh yes, just needed it for parking/milk/bus, I'll make sure to replace it asap" then maybe OK.

If he says no then DTF.

I have been known to take coins from DH's jar if in urgent need e.g for parking. I always l tell him that day though and replace them asap.

Your boyfriend's furtiveness doesn't look great tbh. Was he leaving straight after taking the money or did you see him after you woke up? If the latter and he didn't mention it, that's really not good. And if he was leaving and didn't want to wake you, he could have left a note. He's a thief I'm afraid. Are you going to confront him about it?

The furtive checking of the door would put me on edge as well. Could he be stealing other things? Is there anything else going on in your relationship that's bothering you or is this the only thing in an otherwise great relationship?

I'd normally agree with asking him straight up but her asking, when she's probably never asked before would probably make him admit it because he thinks she's onto him (who else would take the coins?)

If you "set a trap" then confront him he'd tell you it was a once off or that he didn't think it was a big deal, it's "just change" after all.

How is he financially? Is he struggling at the moment? Does he have a drinking or drugs habit?

Are you able to go over other footage, further back, to see if this is a common occurance?

Yeah, this doesn't look good. You should definitely check your credit card statements very closely and also check that he hasn't forged your signature to set up an automatic debit from your account to his for a sum small enough that you might not notice. With that said...watch out for Identity theft as well.

I know this sounds like an over reaction but it has happened in extended family (from family members!).

It is a red flag. If it is the only one, the relationship may be salvaged by calm discussions of your boundaries. If you put the camera there because you don't trust him, then you already had your answer and really didn't need to wait for proof, iyswim.

The hidden camera may be considered as a boundary violation too however. Especially in the bedroom.

The checking the door thing shows he was stealing and not just borrowing from you or taking loose change.

How is your relationship in general?
Is he the generous kind or tight with cash?

I'd probably have him squirming and talk about how a girl at work broke of her engagement because she caught her fiancé taking money from her jewellery box and gage his reaction.

Saying some people thought it was overacting and say 'what do you think?'

Weird responses. It's obvious that he doesn't contribute financially if the op views nabbing out of the change jar as thieving - if he did put money into it, it would be their money .

So yeah, I would be peeved and anxious about what else he would help himself to.

Him checking to make sure you weren't coming shows that he knew he was stealing from you. BIN.

Definitely red flag OP.

Years ago I had a boyfriend who stole from my purse. When I asked him about it he got very defensive and accused me of being petty about petty change. We stayed together for another 2 years and by the time I woke up and kicked him out, I worked out he had actually stolen thousands from me. It adds up over time.

I'd say unless you have a relaxed agreement about money, ie what's yours is mine, then he is taking the piss.

FWIW, DP and I are totally relaxed about money and have a joint bank account. But that's because we trust each other and share financial responsibilities.

Listen to your gut. It's clearly picked something wrong about the situation.

*picked up

I'd be interested to know a few things before judging

Why the nanny cam?

Presumably he doesn't know you have a nanny cam?

Does he contribute to the change?

FWIW I don't really see this as a big deal, my feelings on change pots is that they're there for (members of the family) who need some change, I often take a few quid out my parents one when there, usually tell them, but if they weren't in or were asleep etc and I needed a few quid for parking I wouldn't think twice about taking a few, I certainly wouldn't feel like a thief and I may or may not replace it in future (we all contribute dribs and drabs to it but it's not something we keep track of)

I feel like after 3 years with someone I would be at a stage where if either on of us needed a bit of money we'd be comfortable enough to take it!