Have I done wrong?

[Why]

I dont know if I have done a silly thing tonight. (Changed my name for this one!). I contacted my ex husband via Friends Reunited! I still have feelings for him despite the fact that we split up over 11 years ago and havent seen each other for about 9. He was a total shit when I was with him but I was besotted with him and I know he was with me. He took it really hard when I finally walked away from him.

Following our breakup we became friends again although obviously never met up. He has since remarried.

We have no kids together so I cant understand why I still have these feelings for him. My current DH is great and I do love him but not with the passion that I did with my ex. With my Ex it was so exciting where as with my current DH its safe, has anyone else got that?

For a long time now I have buried this, but tonight I have had a little to drink and went on Friends Reunited and sought out his name. Before I know it I sent a message and then instantly wondered if it was a bad idea! He responded straight away, sent love and kisses and said hoped I was well.

Cant understand why I still have these feelings. I have been feeling very low at times but if Im honest its always been there. Help!!!

mmm - I don't know if what you did was wrong as such, but it does seem a bit like playing with fire

i think you are missing the passion you felt for your ex, and you've sent this message to him on a whim

what do you hope will happen as a result of making contact again?

i'd guess it's a sign that you're not happy with your current DH and maybe feeling in a rut?

DONT DO IT ..... Think of your DH ...

Booze is a horrid thing .....

Don't throw what you currently have away.

i agree with spacemonkey, you say he was a total shit, and you walked away so i think that you miss your exh because you dont have quite the same "fire" that you had with him, that you do with dh.

are you happy with your dh?

yes, it was probably the fire in your previous marriage that ignited not only the passion you felt but also the conflict that caused you to walk away - only a guess but that often seems to be the way

He was a total shit at times, but we were also very young, early 20's. I always felt that he was my soulmate..sounds crappy I know. He had a lot of hangups I feel because of his childhood, lost his mum early and his dad was a total shit to him therefore when he loved someone he was scared of losing them and tried to push them away.

We couldnt live with each other yet couldnt live without. In the end I made the decision that it couldnt go on any longer but it was so hard. Sometimes he could be so lovely to me and I adored him then other times we argued and he disappeared for days at a time. I have my own insecurity problems so think that didnt help.

We met and married within several months and it was very full on. I cant imagine ever loving anyone like I loved him. My DH would be devestated if he knew and I do love my DH although at the moment I am finding things hard. I feel such a cow, my DH does so much for me. I dont expect anything to happen between me and ex I am just so excited because he replied to me..god how stupid am I! I guess I just cant understand why I feel like this.

It sounds to me like you feel that way because you are missing that passion you felt for your XDH and therefore this has highlighted a current issue with your DH which really needs addressing. Are you feeling ignored and in a rut?

Definitely feel in a rut and if Ive very honest whilst I love my DH i dont really fancy him any more. OMG I must be so mad though because anyone would thank there lucky stars to have him, sometimes I feel I am never content with I have and just have to much it up! We keep squabbling lately and I feel as though I cant put up with it much longer, although he hasnt really done anything to deserve this he just really winds me, up at times, I feel ignored and unloved and I have tried telling him but he cant see it!

I think also if you have problems with your dh, its going to make you start thinking about what you had with exh. why are you finding things hard with dh (and you dont have to answer that if you dont want to )

How well I know that feeling Why - rotten isn't it

And I'm afraid I haven't exactly been very successful at finding a solution to it either! But I'm sure you will get some great advice from others here.

I can only think of obvious things like:

• talk to DH about how you feel
• consider Relate or similar
• do something for yourself that will take you out of your rut and make both you and DH see yourselves in a fresh light (and by that i don't mean have an affair, more thinking of something like pursue an interest, do a course, take up a new social activity, change jobs type of thing ...)

You're not stupid, Why - it's natural to wonder about what might have been, especially when things maybe aren't terribly exciting with your DH right now. I have been through the same sort of thing and it's not always easy to forget about someone even if you know you should.

But I agree with spacemonkey - the stuff that was so exciting was also probably what made it such a difficult relationship in other ways. If you loved him that much and yet still walked away there must have been lots that wasn't right. It doesn't sound as if he treated you very well, for a start.

You haven't done anything wrong, but it sounds as though in this case you've got a lot to lose by pursuing this any further. Friends Reunited can be soooo tempting though!

Luckily we do not live near to each other any more, quite a few miles seperate us know although I am good friends with his sister and always have been. I obviously hear stuff about him through her although its always offered and never asked for, I guess she feels my feelings for him after all this time will have gone now and I do nothing to make her think otherwise!

I think my DH would be very suprised and hurt if he knew and I feel so guilty, even though I havent actually done anything wrong. Part of me thinks I got together with my DH on the rebound, however we have been together for almost 11 years now so something has worked out right!

Way back then my temper was pretty volatile as what that of my ex'dh's and I think we just brought out the worst in each other. I think what I want is to know that he still feels something for me, although I dont know why and I know that I am treading on dangerous waters but because I am so far away from him the danger doesnt seem as bad, does that make sense?

Whilst I have had a drink its only given my courage to do something I wanted to for a while, I am by no means drunk. I have decided not to email him again now but will probably sit hoping to get another email from him now I have started contact.

I am trying to work out in my head what I can do to make my marriage work. We very rarely argue but at the same time sex is pretty limited (my fault). I just want a little excitement but no full well I am going about it the wrong way!

i think that if you are having problems with your dh, you're wanting to find "attention" from your exh due to the more passion you had together, and that you dont really want to be with exh but just want to feel "loved" as you dont get it from exh. Does that make sense? Im sorry if Im wrong at all, Im just going from assumptions

sounds about right to me tammybear!

Yes I know what you are saying but If Im honest I have never felt he same for DH as I did for my ex and I feel that I have cheated him in some way. Im selfish because I have stayed with him all this time and part of me thinks he could have found someone so much better. We have lovely kids together and its the second marriage for both of us. I cant imagine ever getting any passion into our relationship. My mum was forever having affairs on my dad and I wonder if its a genetic fault (not that I ever have but admit to having thought about it!)

u ok why?

i know how you feel. i was with dd's father because exp before that had broken my heart and i used dd's father as a rebound makes me sound a bit bad, and i would have stuck out with him if i hadnt realised i didnt want to be with him.