Please advise me... contact time, 18mo, 50 50 split wanted.

[Theladyloriana]

I'm desperate for advice and seem to hit a wall wherever I turn.

DC are 18 mo and 6 yo. I left in Jan following dv incident which I reported to the police. Got legal aid advice at time, mainly told to go to mediation. Ex has consistently refused to give me any dates for mediation. Total stonewalling. Will not respond to pretty much anything from me.

I work part time, him full time, he pays no financial support. He has DC every other weekend and a night in the week. I agreed but worry about my 18mo spending so much time away, and of course nursery 3 days a week while I work.

He will not accept calls from me while he is with them, even if they are ill. Will not take them to docs and does not own a thermometer, antiseptic or nappy cream. Has no working home phone.

My questions are these. In others experience is my 18mo too young for this much time away from me? I have been the primary carer throughout and need to work to pay for us. Should I fight this? I feel that she needs a good relationship with her father but is now the time for this much separation from me? Ex says she is fine. I'm not sure whether to believe him.

Should he be paying me? How can I get him to pay? He says he won't contribute, and that he wants them 50 50.

Should I escalate concerns about safety or am I overreacting? He is in general a safe person but seems wilfully resistant to usual medical procedures, such as taking temperatures and calling nhs direct for advice.

Should I go to court to sort this out if he is effectively refusing mediation?

Just want the best for my kids. Help.

Never ever doubt if you did the right thing in leaving an abusive relationship.what's the alternative? Your son growing up thinking that's how you should treat a woman? Your daughter thinking that's how she should be treated? And that's if you all "survive" in a physical,mental and emotional sense.
Like i said,before going to court he will have to go to mediation first. He will have to apply for it,and if you agree to it then you can try and smooth out the details there. Whatever agreement you reach is not a court order though,or legally binding.

From a legal point of view he doesn't really have to provide you with his address,phone number,who comes over,where they go etc(just like you don't have to) but it would be the reasonable and decent thing to do. I'll be honest and say that i have no idea what a judge would decide

I'm going to answer your initial queries but I have to stress that, despite my ex being awful to me after the split, I have never worried about the DCs being with him.

Because of our jobs he had the DCs in the week and I did long weekends and the vast majority of school holidays - this meant we could both work but with no childcare needed. I pay him maintenance (because on a general week he has the DCs for 4 nights).

He was very very bitter about the split and was vile to me for years. He wouldn't liaise with me about school stuff, doctors appointments etc (although I always made sure that I passed on everything: I was determined to be beyond reasonable at all times) but I knew he would look after them so I bit my tongue.

It's not been easy but it's been ok, and our DCs are a credit to us both.

Have you ever talked to Women's Aid? If not you really need to.

I strongly disagree that you should email him suggesting planned arrangements for 50/50 care. On what you have said of the history there seems almost no chance a court would award it, but if he can show evidence you were happy to discuss it then any claims by you to fear for your children's welfare in his care would be seen as inconsistent, and possibly insincere.

Please call Women's Aid. They are set up precisely to help and advice women in your position. They'll be able to support and recommend.

Sorry you have all this stress and worry, I would suggest you go to CSA or whatever they are now called, He should be helping to support the children, I suspect the 50/50 is a threat but if he does go for it then let the court decide if that is in the best interests of the children. I presume the court will want to know the arrangements regarding childcare etc before they decide.

In the meantime make and keep notes of dates and events that have concerned you whilst the children were in his care, you may need them.

Hi all just RE reading this thread and wanted to thank for all support. The current situation is we are between mediation sessions and I got a solicitor to write him a letter outlining the parameters of how defined contact would go. I told him to stop contacting me unless it was a medical emergency or he needed to give me 7 days notice of a change of plan. He has just about respected this and actually the freedom is wonderful from the hell of plan changes to spite me, really, and all those awful texts.

I am still absolutely broke and waiting to hear about tax credits. Don't qualify for hb. Still no maintenance.
Need to set up as a sole trader to do my job privately as well as for my employer to bring more in.
Any advice on how to move on and feel better about myself? Feel awful an awful lot, still missing the kids and crying a lot, still so worried I am damaging the bond between my daughter and I for life... sounds so silly but I miss her so much.