Can a relationship survive financial abuse?

[popperdoodles]

Dh and I have a very unequal relationship when it comes to money. It has slowly developed over the years, it wasn't always this way. It has now got to the point where I have no money of my own, every penny I earn goes towards household bills yet dh gets back money for himself for hobbies, socialising etc. I am not happy but feel trapped. When I try to broach the situation with him, he is full of excuses and reasons of why it is this way and I end up believing him. I am beginning to think this is financial abuse. He is otherwise kind and caring. Recently we have had a run of bad luck and had to pay various unexpected expenses which has put a big strain on our finances yet dh seems unwilling to cut back and face up to it. This makes me feel like it's my problem to sort out.

I want to work this through. I don't want to leave him yet how can he treat me like this when he promises he loves me and I am the most important thing to him. We have 3 dc and both work. I worry there is an underlying selfishness that may never go away.
Can we fix this?

Nothing fancy. Works for local government. I know roughly what kind of salary he is on but not sure of his exact take home pay after deductions. He keeps all his payslips at work and his salary is paid into his own bank account. It's not that he is deliberately secretive but almost like I just don't need to know that information kind of attitude, avoids openly discussing how much he gets.
I am not particularly motivated by money, if we were as poor as a church mouse I could still be happy. It's the inequality that upsets me. We are not a team. He pays little regard to how things are for me. As an individual he affords things that the family as a unit we can't, days out, socialising etc. I'm sick of it and as the dc get older (2 teens, 1 preteen) they are beginning to notice.

I was/I am in similar situation and can only say get some control but expect resistance and not a nice reaction (I hope you won't get that to be honest)

My DH thinks I am petty but I have so much resentment for him and simply don't trust him when it comes to money any more.

I have not seen my bonus for 8yrs, as it was "apparently" already spent / allocated before it even hit joint account. He managed our accounts and we always seem to be low and I needed to not spend etc. I had very little in saying if I did not want to purchase something - I felt bullied each time when that happened. He was always generous with gifts for me (from our joint money) but moaning that I don't treat him.. How could I if there was no spare money as he already spent it according to his liking. Apparently I am no fun and miserable (because I have money worries)

He is very abusive when I raise subject of money and tries to make me take a blame for it all.

I made some steps early this year to gain some independence and all was going well until a credit card bill started to appear on our joint account and he felt he did not had to tell me about it (big deal he said)

I am tired of this, I want to keep the marriage going for the children and all other aspects are fine, I just don't want to get to time when kids are going to uni (15years to go lol) and I pick up a massive bill for his bad finance management

The whole financial abuse is a big source of marital conflict and I seriously advise engaged couples in marriage prep to discuss it before marriage.

It's critical for women especially, as they end up taking time out for a family and working part time, so have less money.

It got to the point one woman told me she ended up charging her DH for BJs as he controlled the money and gave her a small monthly allowance.

It's a very stressful situation which can lead you to almost hate your spouse.

IamtheBadOne

He is the bad one here, not you.

Do you love this man any more?

re your comment:-
"I am tired of this, I want to keep the marriage going for the children and all other aspects are fine",

If you are tired of this, then let the marriage end. Why should you pick up a financially massive bill for him down the line?.

Do not drag it out for the next x number of years or even worse till the kids go off to university (which is around 15 years away). You will truly be emotionally ground down by his financial and other types of abuse of you by then and you will feel too old to leave. They will certainly know by then that the two of you are living a lie.

Keeping the marriage going for the sake of the children is never ever a good idea. Its a terrible burden to place on a child, for them to have the knowledge that you and dad only stayed together because of them. What do you want, their thanks for doing that?. They will not thank you and even worse could well accuse you of putting him before them in their childhoods. There are no prizes for martyring yourself so.

You and your H between you will simply teach them that a loveless and controlling marriage is their norm too; they will not say thanks mum to you for doing that to them. You stay because its habit and its somehow "easier" and the unknown is too scary for you to currently contemplate. What you are experiencing here is really death by 1000 cuts.

As for the all other aspects are fine, I would say otherwise. Financially abusive men are often abusive towards their chosen victims (the plural is deliberate) in other ways as well, often such men are verbally abusive too. Your children pick up on your overall unhappiness and perhaps even worse blame their own selves. Its no life for them or for you for that matter. You and your children deserve better.

After all the only acceptable level of abuse within a relationship is NONE. That's right, NONE.

Do you have access to the joint bank account? If so ensure that every month a certain amount is transferred into your own bank account for you to spend as you want - coffees with friends, hairdressers, clothes , spa day - it doesn't matter what but it is your money and your choice what to spend it on.

I am in the middle of a nasty divorce from my ex who was exactly like your DH.
Financial abuse is one of those things that creeps up slowly. You start off as two individuals, get married and become one entity, but if finances stay separate, then you have problems.
My red flag came before I even moved in with STBX and I stupidly ignored it. If I had listened to that alarm bell ringing I would not have spent the past 16 years feeling like a 2nd class citizen in my marriage.
You know if your DH is inherently "selfish". If he is then forget it as he will never change.

Just to add, your DCs are older, but my DCs are still young so very reliant. My last straw moment came after xmas. I had no money left after paying for xmas presents for DCs so had to go to a food bank. At the same time DH was writing out a £1,000 cheque to pay his yearly golf club membership.
That was the moment I knew that, in his mind, HE was always going to be more important than me and the DCs.

He keeps all his payslips at work and his salary is paid into his own bank account. It's not that he is deliberately secretive

Of course he's being deliberately secretive. There is no other honest explanation for that. He forces you to spend your whole salary on his family, straight into the joint account, yet hides his payslips at work and has his own wages into a separate account to ensure he can keep you in the dark??

almost like I just don't need to know that information kind of attitude, avoids openly discussing how much he gets. yet your wages go into a joint account so he knows precisely how much you do.

You have two teenagers who never get days out etc as there isn't enough money. Yet he can go out on the razzle. Alone, is this socialising? And hobby activity and days out?

Joysmum

"What would be fair is that you both contribute an equal percentage towards family expenses according what you both earn"

This IS the most fair way, you just don't understand what the poster meant.

In your example you earned $300 p/w and your bf earned $55 p/w. So, of the $355 per week coming in, you earnt 300/355= 84.5% and your bf earnt 55/355=15.5%. Therefore, you pay 84.5% of bills, and he pays 15.5% of bills. Assuming your bills were 1000 per month that's him paying $155.00 per month and you $845.00 per month (leaving him with $65 and you with $355 per month)

As he earns more or less, or you earn more or less the percentages would no doubt change. Yes you obviously get more to play with at the end of the day, but it's definitely the most fair option. If he wanted more money to play with he'd simply need to start earning more (and thus obviously paying more towards bills).