How to deal with hurtful reaction to our pregnancy news.

[Snowflakes1122]

I'm fuming and upset with my mil over her comments to our pregnancy announcement for number 4.

Firstly this baby was planned, and we are happily married and are financially stable!

We had an early scan at 7 weeks and as they were visiting, we decided to tell them (fil and mil)
We had no congratulations, no smile or hugs, just a barrage of negativity and faces like slapped arses.

These are just some of the delightful comments we had repeated over and over;

1.my husband should put an knot in it
2.what have we done?
3.how will we cope?
4.dh is still tied to her apron strings??
5.i need my tubes tying

I was too upset to say anything at the time. Now I'm angry! This is out baby they are talking about. We are not some feckless teenagers, how dare they!
I know eventually they will come around to the idea, but by then I will be seething and can't just forget this hurt.
I think the fact they chose to have one baby (dh) means they think we should have stuck to one or two max. Anything more in her eyes is bizarre.

She is mad we haven't listened to the hints she has continually dropped thought the years to not have anymore.

Anyone been through similar?

So next comment needs to be met with 'What is your problem, why are you so rude and what's it got to do with you?' If your DH stands by and allows his mother to speak to you in that fashion, he needs a serious chat with you.

Everybody has been tip-toeing around this bitch for a very long time. It's just taken her shooting down your wonderful news to throw it into sharp relief for you.

Her disapproval about the size of your family is the thin end of the wedge. Expect more of her crap, not less.

"dh is still tied to her apron strings"

How true is this? Because if it is true, you have even more fundamental problems than you may have thought.

Reduce contact with her until it's almost non-existent.

What bitter said. In spades.

Minimise contact. Tell her nothing - information is power to people like MIL. On the times you have to see her, only talk about the weather, TV, nothing about your plans, your life.

If she does this again I would tell her to Fuck off and hope she goes NC with me.

Congratulations on your lovely news OP

They are definitely hands off grandparents. Never fed them or changed them, or read to them. Babysat 3 times in 10 years.
They love them, but really pull out the pensioner card (they are 65) and say they can't cope. So we don't ask them to babysit when we visit.

We don't get any financial help or any help in any way, so it doesn't impact on them one bit.

And the apron strings comment I think was aimed to just hurt DH. No basis at all.
I think MIL would like the DH to be tied to her apron strings for control though, so things like this didn't happen!

I think I'd ask 'Why would anyone say something as nasty as that, MIL?' Calmly and politely, with a concerned head tilt. In a perfect world, she'd apologise and wind her neck in - though it doesn't sound like she will - so I'd be considering going no-contact/minimal contact.

You don't deserve such nastiness in your life - and your lovely children don't either.

Congratulations on your wonderful news, and please may I coo over and squidge the baby when they arrive?

Mine was horrible with our first child

She said ''well can't you get rid of it?'' and then proceeded to down a bottle of whiskey and walk down the street for 15 minutes.

She's very involved with her granddaughter now, and said she realised she acted badly the first time around.
She's still an arse for saying it though.

I know how upsetting it is, so to be honest if I were you I'd just simply tell her not to be involved if she doesn't like it.

My mil was lovely with ds1 but when I told her I was expecting twins she was so negative and told us we would never be able to cope (as if we'd chosen twins!) I think this was more about her own feelings of not being able to cope but it is hard not to take offence

If it doesn't affect them they should keep out of it.

I just don't know why some mother in laws so interfering. Especially the husbands mums. Right old pains in the neck.

Looking at this from another perspective, is it possible your DH has been expressing doubt to his parents about having a fourth child?

This happened to a friend of mine. She really wanted a third child but her DH didn't but didn't say anything to her only to his parents. His view was he didn't want to go back through the nappy years but felt pressured in to having a third. He thought they were still discussing it and she was on the pill. She thought they were in agreement.

He should have spoken to his wife and been clear with her but took the cowards ways and just told everyone else. The ILs were less than thrilled when the third pregnancy was announced.

Not saying that you didn't both decide to have a fourth but is it possible your DH has been expressing concerns to them?

The only possible reaction to pregnancy news delivered with a smile and happy faces is 'congratulations!' - nothing else is remotely appropriate.

So, congratulations from me!

We have 4 DSs and I love the 'symmetry' of our family if that makes sense.

I think I would have to write them off as incorrigible and keep contact to a minimum. How did your DH react?