Childcare costs when out on dates - what is fair?

[ConfusedInNorthLondon]

I need some common sense here, please advise:

I am a single parent and I have been in a new relationship for about six months now. My new partner and I live in different cities, not far, but still a train-ride away.

My question is a financial one as I just can't work out what's fair.

When my new partner and I out in the evening, I pay for childcare (his own child is much older so no childcare costs needed) and it is mounting up hugely.

I usually end up paying for the train fare to his town, my 50% of dinner (we always split it) childcare costs and then taxi back home in my town. He, meanwhile, pays for his half of the dinner, and public transport home, and nothing else.

I recently realised that I was spending around £120 per evening in such scenarios and this is just not acceptable - I simply can't afford it (this is happening three or four times per month).

Should I ask my new partner to split childcare costs with me when we go out on dates? We are otherwise completely financially independent of each other.

This is clearly my own expenditure, but OUR time together that is proving a lot more expensive for me than it is for him. I don't want to spoil the romantic dates, but I simply cannot continue like this.

What's fair?

So, you are not just going to his town to see him, but also for what the town has to offer. That is your choice. If you can't afford it, then you just need to cut your cloth, accordingly.

If you've been dating for six months, then I think you could reasonably bring up the concept that you can't really afford to travel to his town quite so often, so please could he come to yours, instead. If he offers to pay more, in order for you both to continue to have these dates, as often as you are, well and good. If he agrees to come to you more often, to spend more time with you, despite the lack of buzz, then also well and good.

But you really can't ask him to chip in on your childcare costs.

I think to ask a BF or gf to share childcare costs would be batshit crazy & would make anyone, male or female, run in the opposite direction. Can understand that as you're dating, you want to do interesting things & not stagnate & age prematurely by staying in & watching TV but, you do need to find a balance

My fiancé tried to contribute to my babysitter cost. (actually his daughter!)
No way!
Apart from the fact I earn more than him, my child, my cost.
Just tell him the dates are too expensive. There's no point pursuing a relationship with someone you can't be open with.

What Cabrina said. That's hundreds of pounds a month!

Is there a reason he can't travel to you?

OP already said, he does. But when they go out they prefer his town because it has more culture and things to do.

I have a sneaking suspicion you could find things of interest in your own town if you looked harder OP!

You need to then accept you can't afford an exciting social life in a way that the other town offers. That is the price to pay - stay in or go out in your less exciting town.

It is expensive dating as a single parent. I can't afford it so don't date.

Why can't he just pay for dinner and you for a drink afterwards or something like that. Why always 50/50 if you are incurring so many other costs?

Could you drive once or twice a month to save taxi costs?

I think as you're choosing to travel as his town is better than yours it's your cost

So he comes to yours and you cook for him and when you go to his you pay half?

You can't pay that sort of money just to go out on a date, OP. That's ridiculous. And the more involved you get with him the more expensive it would get.

I think you need to start by telling him how much you're spending when you go to see him. He may well be blissfully unaware. Is there nobody who'll have the children at no cost? Can you do babysitting swaps with your friends?

Did this not occur to you when you started dating? I only ever used to date people who lived within a 10 mile radius as I had very young children and had to be sensible about what was realistic at that stage in my life.
Sounds a bit clinical but it is hard enough as a single parent so why make things harder and more complicated?? Not much use now as you have been dating for 6 months. TBH you've made your choice to continue dating him knowing the situation. I don't see why you think he needs to be doing more financially to carry on seeing you.

Its all about choices. You chose to have children so they're your financial responsibility. You also choose to go out on lovely nights out that it seems you can ill afford, tbh you're coming across as quite shallow by not wanting to compromise on the type of nights out you prefer.

Where the hell are you going that one night out costs £120

Even with £40 or so for a baby sitter.

Cant you just meet halfway? Train fares and taxis....

Costs and discrepancies, doesn't sound romantic and now you want him to pay for your childcare too.

No wagamamas or pizza express for you i guess and a taxi home....so you stay out so late you need a taxi and to pay the babysitter more because of the lateness?

I am a single parent and like many of us I understand the problem. As to a practical solution I don't know. At the end of the day if it's not sustainable it's not sustainable. After all the kids and finances for them is allways the priority. It's horrible because sometimes being a single parent does meen you have to sacrifice relationships till the kids are older. My kids are 1 and 4 I with kids and work I literally don't have time for a meaningful relationship.

Travel is costing you. Would he consider doing all the travel? How serious are you about him? I know because of time and travel I have only looked on OLD for people within a few miles. Would you consider looking for someone nearer?

You said his kids are old enough to look after them self's. Are they old enough and responsible enough to babysit? Or any family or friends who could help you?

Would he consider helping you out with money so you can continue to meet each other?

Look into cheaper child care . find a mum who needs a bit pin money but just sleeps at yours . Get together with some other mums and do sleepovers .

Rail card ? Book you tickets in advance. Get account at cab company try and discount.