42 and single - any suggestions?!

[Lostlou]

So, I've been single for around 16 months. I split up with Ex bf of around 2 years last February. He had a DD from a previous relationship (not cause of split - she was lovely bless her). Previously married for 13 yrs and no kids of my own. I feel like I wasted my entire 30s in an unhappy marriage and I have a massive amount of regret that I'm wasting my life away.

I'm 42 and facing the reality of maybe being on my own. It scares me. I'm fine living on my own. I have a great job and have my own house and I'm saving money sensibly so can manage financially on my own without any worries.

I just have this feeling that it would be nice to share my day with someone. It would be nice to have someone that actually fancies me and wants to be with me.

I've tried OLD sites including Match, Fitness Singles, Eharmony and now Tinder and POF. A few dates but not much success. A couple (well 3) drunken encounters, not from the dating sites, since last Feb but nothing else.

I just need cheering up. Someone please tell me there's still life out there!! I consider myself a young 42 and some of the guys on these dating sites who claim to be around my age look between 10-15yrs older.

I've had great advice from friends who say it's OK to be on your own (they are all in relationships though lol) and I know it is. I just wish it was different...

Any thoughts?!

Thanks :-) x

Yeah just let them blow Yer dicks off even if they have blonde hair. Nothing ventured eh?

Me too, it's fine to laugh at your own auto correct fail I hope.

I joined POF and was looking for men 6-foot plus, slim and athletic, full head of hair. Someone messaged me and although he totally didn't fit my criteria I agreed to meet him anyway, as he sounded really funny. We're now nearly 3 months down the line and I'm totally smitten and fancy him loads. He's bald, 5'9" and overweight! I'm not saying you should "settle" for people you don't find attractive, but if you're keen to meet someone then maybe it wouldn't hurt to cast your net a bit wider in case you surprise yourself like I did.

This blond guy understands the deal.

When I was 42 I joined Lovestruck. I'm now 48 and last week we got married I'm not saying I didn't kiss a few frogs first, but it was worth it to meet DH.

Im 37 long term single and utterly fucked. I will be alone for life.

"Im 37 long term single and utterly fucked. I will be alone for life."

Yay, that's the spirit!

Well maybe try another, different sorts club then...Just like you might sign up to more than one OLD site?

Scrap the brown hair requirement. Do you really think you couldn't have a happy relationship with someone with blonde/ ginger/ grey/ no hair?

Also the height one. I know it's more socially typical to have a taller man, but I know quite a few women in happy marriages to shorter/ same height guys. If they had written them off perhaps they would be single.

In reality a list for a potential partner should say: kind, good morals.

Several friends have got together with male friends, who they had previously written off as 'just friends' material, I'd review your male friends, even the blonde short ones
Others have met men on e harmony.
Others via sports clubs.

Also athletic.... hmm when I met my DH I was really fit and sporty and he didn't exercise at all, at the time I did wonder if we were incompatible, fortunately I overlooked this. Several years and pregnancies later and he is really fit, exercise is his main hobby, and he is nagging me to get up off the sofa! Habits and interests do change over time, particularly in long term relationships where you influence one another.

I'm 42 and facing the reality of maybe being on my own. It scares me.

We are all on our own. Even if you have a great partner today you don't know if they will be there tomorrow.

Are you looking for someone to have kids with?

I did OLD for 2 years. 90% of my dates were with much younger guys.

I haven't read this book (hopefully the link will work) but my shrink suggested it for when I was ready to meet someone. A few months ago I made the decision to split with my husband and am tentatively dipping my toe into the OLD waters, certainly not to 'find the one', but at least to meet new people and expand my social circle.
www.amazon.co.uk/Calling-One-Weeks-Attract-Love/dp/1400049296

Go on lots of dates with people you don't fancy just to fill time. You never know, one of them might be far more attractive IRL than he appears online.

My DP was one of them. I wasn't even gonna go as he didn't like that great in the photos and came across as a bit boring when chatting. But I met up with him anyway and he's the most amazing and gorgeous man I've ever met!

I would widen the search between 30 and 50. My friend married a guy she met online who is 14 years younger than her and is happy.

I went out last night as it was my birthday for cocktails after the party at my house. We were all married apart from one friend.

We ended up in a casino and I ended up chatting to the man sat next to me at the roulette table. I can speak to anyone, my single mate didn't speak to a man all night. I have never done OLD as been with DH for 19 years but how about just meeting people out and about how chatty are you?

According to my mate who is a psychologist people really do give off very strong vibes, she says mine is very positive. It means that people always speak to me, my sisters are the same.

What hopelesslydevoted said ^ Each to their own, I guess.

We are all on our own. Even if you have a great partner today you don't know if they will be there tomorrow.

Totally agree with that statement, relax, enjoy your own company, friends, hobbies, interests, job - whatever. You may or may not meet someone else but there is nothing worse than being desperate for someone to share your life with. Be a positive, interesting person and be comfortable in your own skin - that does not mean having to have a partner.

Agree about doing lots of things you like, I have tried tons of stuff. It's good for you which is the main thing but also means you can make a contribution to a conversation.

My oddest criteria and huge turn on is must be exceptionally good at maths my 3 serious relationships have been with two engineers and a scientist.

Get involved in your meet up groups in your area. I met DP on pof when he was 41. Look for guys who aren't blowing out of their arse about how great they are or all the high wire type activities they do.

Accordingtome - I'm not divorced but been separated for 4 years. I'm on ONline dating sites - why not? Effectively I am single just have some baggage that needs disposing of. So I don't see what is wrong with your estranged H being on a site.

For what it is worth I am 50 and have met some lovely men on OD so don't give up on that avenue.

I turned 40 last year - had been single for 4 years since my divorce. My friends told me they really wanted me to find someone nice and I said I thought I would be single forever because I hadn't met anyone I particularly wanted to be with. 2 weeks later I started chatting to someone on tinder and we just clicked. He's the loveliest, funniest man, 4 years older and makes me feel so special! We are talking about moving in together. I dated a lot of frogs before him! (no blondes - I'm with you on that!! Hehe).

My friend is (64?) and has met someone OLD.

I would just say don't be too picky on who you date - don't rule people out because of your search criteria. Ultimately it's about connection and how you are treated, not someone's age or how tall they are, although I agree there has to be an attraction!

Thanks all!

Some great advice (and amusing anecdotes)...

just to reply to some of you making specific points ravenmum no I am not looking for someone to have kids with so it's not a 'ticking clock' that's driving me. Having children of my own has never been on the cards. I'm not averse to meeting someone with children as my ex DP (after my husband) had a daughter from a previous relationship and we got on just fine.

RestlessTraveller you go girl! I've just done a quick check of my 'prospects' on POF who have messaged me and matches on Tinder and most are younger than me (around 36 - 41yr mark) so there's hope!

LongDaysHotNights thanks I'll have a look at that. I met my husband when we were 19yrs old and dated, then split up for a few years, then got back together and married so it was a massive wrench when we divorced even though things definitely weren't working. My 2 yr relationship subsequently was a nightmare tbh and I want to avoid another one like it!

Piemernator I'm fine talking to people I'm the one that gets sent to networking events from work, because I too can just walk into a room and talk to anyone. And WOW 14yrs younger that's impressive. There a some guys I know who are quite a bit younger than me (around 8-10yrs) who are massively attractive but I never thought it would be worth pursuing. Maybe I'll have a rethink?!

Ragwort yes I understand what you're saying. I wouldn't say I was desperate but it would just be so nice to have that connection with someone if that makes sense.

So my project today is to go back onto POF and change my ages settings from 30 (eek!) to 50, and shorten my height requirements...

This may sound clichéd but I finally met my dp in later life when I had got to the point of giving up on serious relationships and the image of one person for the rest of my life.
I stopped letting dating have head space in my brain and started focusing more on what would make me happy as a single person. I did still keep my online profile and have the odd date because I like men and wanted to have the occasional coffee and meal and dress up and feel social but the pressure mentally was off in those scenarios.
I actually ended up putting more time into a hobby and even went away for a weekend on my own to do it. That's where I met eventual DP but it was still low key because we were from different parts of the country so it could have no future...
I think if I was still mentally looking for a relationship I would be getting frustrated with online dating, and on meeting DP I would have probably dismissed him far too early because of the distance.
Not sure if it helps your circumstances but for me it was like hitting a rock bottom about my disastrous relationship history and resolving to have a happy life without the need for a man in it - which helped me to rebuild myself. (I was even looking into options to foster or adopt as an older single...)
After spending time on mumsnet for the last few years I believe that what really happened is I sorted out my insecurities which made me much stronger as a person which both made me subtly more attractive as well as better at judging and discarding the idiots...
Good luck...

superwormissuperstrong thanks - that's a great story and glad it has worked for you .

I think I'm getting frustrated in a way because I do all of the stuff suggested on here, you know, all the 'widening my social circle' etc so I'm a member of two sports club, a local 'do good works' club, the local committee for the industry I'm in, do social networking with work etc etc. I'm probably out 3 nights of the week at least twice a month just on the networking stuff then the sports stuff is on top of that.

I do actually go away on holiday on my own (for 7 - 10 days at a time) doing something active (cycling). I've done this twice a year for the last couple of years and really enjoyed it and met some great people - just no-one single! I've avoided a singles holiday because I thought it might all look too desperate!!

You are definitely right about it partly being down to personal insecurity and I do DEFINITELY need to be better at judging and discarding idiots lol!

Perhaps I just need a bit of a 'brain tilt' in that I stop seeing it as trying to look for a relationship and instead just see it as having fun.

Thanks

Hellothereitsme Sorry if my post seemed off to you..I agree there is nothing wrong at all with him advertising himself online...I was just shocked to see him there and, to be fair to him, I did look otherwise I would never have found out haha!

I just mentioned it as he is posting on "my single friend" and he really is very NOT single at all... I just thought it was not a pleasant thing for some poor unsuspecting woman to find out after she has invested any time in him, "Oh yeah I am still needing to get divorced"

Let's forget about the "No children" part of his profile