Is he almost perfect or am I deluding myself?

[Eloisehotel]

I've started this post so many times. I've NC because my other NN might identify me in RL.

I'm with a man who chased me for a long time, wrote me beautiful letters and made wonderful romantic gestures and made me feel extraordinary. I sold my flat and we made plans.

We moved in together and I discovered he was still married, though he said his divorce was finalised.

I moved in with my parents and waited for the divorce, during which time we spent a few weeks abroad because of his job.

We had to attend lots of formal work events and I realised that we'd argue, then he'd storm out, I'd be sad and just before I was about to give up, he'd come back with an expensive dress or piece of jewellery and beg me to put it in then off we'd go to the event where he'd bring it up, 'Doesn't Eloise look beautiful, do you love her dress? I chose it. Actually, I just bought it for her.' And then all the wives swoon. And he says 'see, they can see how much I love you, why can't you?'

He's been doing this for weeks and during arguments says terrible things. I feel like he's buying me these things to shut me up. Also, some of the dresses are quite old in style and he says I should be dressing like a wife (wives are quite key in his line of work) and not a career woman. So he's bought me long velvet things instead of the trouser suits I prefer.

I thought I wanted to marry him but it feels different since I went home and the gifts make me uncomfortable but he says I'm bring ridiculous. I'm due to fly back next week and he's adamant there's no reason not to move back in together as he's days away from his divorce.

I'm not sure what I'm asking, I just feel uneasy about things. Writing it down has made me more confused!

In what way did he "unlock" you OP?

Good for you Eloise, and the very best of luck.

If I were you I'd put on my comfiest, undressiest jeans, get to the bar in the new hotel, set yourself up with a cigarette and a pint and say "fuck that feels better, that feels like me*". And then breathe a massive sigh of relief. No-one's going to call you a cunt tonight my friend.

*Obviously do things that feel like you though, yeah? Although if you're out of ideas I think my idea's a good one!

He is a nasty, cuntless idiot. Run, run for the hills Eloise, and don't trip over that velvet dress in the way

He sounds like a massive player. You must listen to you gut instinct.
A bloke bigging himself up over his choice of your clothes??
A Narc ,and I'm all for men being upfront and open, but this doesn't sit right does it?

eat, now you're really scaring me! Am I a huge cliche or is this typical stuff? Or do you know me??

So I gave up smoking and learned to sip red wine. That's one of the deluded unlocking things - I was a pint-drinking sweary smoker and he made me feel that he could see the elegant woman I really was.

Seriously, that's how pathetic it is. Seeing it in black and white is sad.

Were you brought up to be a massive manpleaser ? That is not normal behaviour. Changing your own self to appeal to a prick like this is worrying. I hope you find that mind of your own you binned to be with him very, very quickly.

God, you're scaring me now, you're me!!

Is this guy a type?? I didn't even realise! He also liked my dirty talk in the early days, my strength and above all my independence.

...then we went away to a 5 star holiday destination with his work and he had massive strops when I did things like carry my own suitcase - told me it wasn't appropriate. Laid into me when I got ready quicker than him for a work function we were late for; said it wasn't what a woman does. I told him I thought a good woman (in the context of a partner) would be able to pull it out of the bag to help her partner stay on good terms with his colleagues. He would have preferred me to make him late and tell people I was doing my hair and make-up.

He also reminded me not to swear in front of people (grown adult here with a clue how to behave!), asked me not to smoke, ordered my (not pints) drinks and, like you say, encouraged me to act like the "beautiful, elegant lady he saw in me". I'd almost forgotten how much I liked myself before!

Sweary jeans-wearing smokers are the best*, at least they are when that's who THEY want to be.

*Elegant ladies who have chosen that way are also ace.

eat my taxi is arriving in a minute, I am slightly pissed and extremely freaked out that we seem to have met the same man!

That faux-exasperated 'oh you're late, but wasn't it worth it you look amazing. I bought her that dress...' And I'm thinking 'eh? You told me half past. I'm not late!'

Any yes, my mind is returning through the fog.

Much gratitude and virtual pints for you all.

Get thee to freedom!

Eloise don't beat yourself up. I was the same. When I met my ex and he "picked me up" on my behaviour I felt that at last I was in a proper relationship where a man was sticking up to me and finally taming my stroppy too independent behaviour.

It's weird how we fall into these patterns but sometimes I feel it's as if we recognise them.

But I'm really excited for you and your new life! Remember to be YOU and trust yourself

I too escaped from a man & was able to be the genuine, real Me. And it's bloody brilliant!!
(For the record, I drank pints before I met him, whilst married to him, & now too - that was all that was consistent, I think!)

Live your life for YOU, and love it!

I think there are men out there who want to take a strong woman and turn her into his trophy. Like those hunters who search out the fiercest lion or the biggest stag just to shoot it, skin it and use it's head to decorate the walls of their hunting lodge. Maybe I'm flattering myself, but that's how I like to think of it.

PS don't freak out, my arsehole wasn't married

Yeap, Eloise, you are not the first intelligent woman that this has happened to. But I just wanted to say, as a chain-smoker myself, go back to your jeans and your pints but don't go back to smoking.

Trust your instincts, please xx

Mine's a stein... the litre one with my initials on it hanging up behind the bar. Anyone fancy a rollie?

"Unlocked" you?

Vomit.

Yeah, don't go back to smoking, perhaps quitting will be the silver lining of the crummy relationship!

Unlocked you?! and the rapunzel reference made me laugh.

someone tried to warn you didn't they, in a roundabout way with the charmer reference? And he sounds rude. You've had a lucky escape. are you sure the clothes were new and he wasn't just denuding his ex wife's wardrobe? (!)

Quickly get back to your career and independence, place to live, and see men as equal, not key holders.

I don't inhabit anything like the world you describe. It seems so old-fashioned. Do men still behave like that in the 21st century? Why is he asking you to behave like a 'wife' when he's not even divorced? I wouldn't trust him on that one for a start.

Agree with everyone else and hope you managed to escape last night.

God, eat, tell me you got out of there!

This thread's turning my stomach. I'd have been out the door at any one of those signs. I do not tolerate being told what to do, and the one and ONLY time an ex tried to buy flowers to apologise for them being wrong I was livid and ended the relationship. No orders, no apology-gifts (I can't be bought). Ew ew ew.

He wants to own you and crush you. He will soon feel that verbally abusing you 'isn't working' - you still have some opinions of your own, can't have that! - and will likely escalate.

Run, run and be free!

Oh, god, vile. 'I moved in then found out he was still married' - can we have a new rule, sisterhood, like a little song in our heads? "The first flag is the reddest flag, BABY I KNOW, the first flag is the reddest... "

Hoping you managed to get away!

Good luck!

There are no perfect men.

Just as there are no perfect women.

You can only be perfect for each other

And he can't be 'perfect for you' because you can't trust him.

He lied and got you to move in with him under false pretences.

You don't need to know anything else other than that.