In my 40s, lost close friendships - is it normal to lose friends as you age?

[WrenNatsworthy]

I'm 43, married for 6 years, we have an 8 year old son. We had an enormous wedding surrounded by lots of friends and family. Before I met my husband I had a series of disastrous relationships, but my female friendships were solid. I value my female friends very much. I was closest to two women in particular and they were my rock solid friends, or so I thought. They were the ones who came round the night before my wedding and painted my hands with henna, and one of them is Godmother to my son. She also acted as 'doula' when I was in labour.
Life is never that simple and lovely all the time, and we've all 3 had things happen to us which have changed us -and I can't write all the ins and outs since 2009 here. So, in a nutshell, one of them fell out with the other, I tried and succeeded in helping them sort it out and once they found their way back to one another I found myself very much pushed out, particularly by one of them who has said some very hurtful things which I'm trying to forgive but unfortunately can't forget, and I keep dwelling on them.
As one of them lives close to me I often hear them chatting in her garden and I am afraid I find it very difficult, as I'm not invited to join them as I once was. I'd always imagined that by my age friendships would be easy and would last - this is so embarrassingly schoolyard!
I'm not friendless by any means, I have lots of lovely people in my life and am never short of invitations or a social life, I took voluntary redundancy to start a business so I've been very busy.
However I miss the friendship I had with these two very much. I still see one of them, usually on her own, and we're part of a wider circle so I do see them both on occasion, but it's never going to be as it was and it still makes me very very sad. It also makes me sad for my son, as our children are all friends and he doesn't get to see them all as often as they see each other because the three families don't get together any more as we used to.
So I suppose what I'm after is wisdom, from those who have been through this 'friendship breakup', an outside perspective on it all, and lastly, somewhere to write down how I feel. That I'm very sad, and I really miss my friends.That I wonder what I could have done differently to stop it from happening.
We had been friends for over 20 years, and sometimes in over dramatic moments I just feel like walking away from the whole friendship circle to stop it hurting. I can't afford to move house, but I would if I could, as the garden thing is worse at this time of year, and painful.
Thanks for reading, I feel a bit silly, but I'm going to create the thread despite being a bit terrified about it!

"No, we don't sit there banging on about the past but no one understands you like a friend who you've known most of your life and the thing is, we have everything in common because we've grown up together. "

That's great when someone has that; I'm not saying to cut out decent relationships.

My point really is about staying in touch with people just because you've known them a long time and perhaps feel obligated to keep on being friends with them.

I think it's perfectly natural for some good long standing friendships to dwindle and fade away; something that Facebook and social media can sometimes make it difficult to do these days. I find it strange for example when people suddenly add 'friends' to their Facebook list that they've not seen for 20 or so years; these friends are in the past for a reason in my opinion.

Yes its happened to me too. I formed a close friendship with two women who's children were friends with my DS. One fell out with me because I had a blood transfusion and it was against her religious beliefs. (mmm, when I was as death's door I wasn't really concerned with offending someone).

The other one was completely unsupportive when my DP had a breakdown. I had previously supported her through her relationship breakdown, helped her move, decorate, fed and looked after her DC. I didn't hear from her for months even though we were on the same school playground.

I think you live and learn, and find new, stronger friendships. I am really sorry about how these women have treated you.

God yes MadeMan that's why I always found the now defunct "Friends Reunited" weird! If I'd wanted to stay in touch with someone, I would! I did register out of nosiness back when it was all the rage (!) ago and I had the most annoying girl in my class at school contact me.

"...and I had the most annoying girl in my class at school contact me."

That's a great example of Sod's Law.

I am late 40's and some of my friendships have changed as I have chosen to socialise in a different - probably quiet, middle-aged - way. My life is increasingly complex with 4 teens and all their challenges, full-time work, managing term ill parents then grief & frail dependent ILs, redundancy, money issues, marriage collapse, stress, and depression. The jolly days of my late 30's early 40's socialising and entertaining with large groups of couples or partying with big gangs of women are well and truely over. My best friendships are quiet dog walks and coffees one to one with slected friends. I find that I am closer to those that have been thru similar challenges and the friendships are deep, meaningful and fun - yes we do laugh out loud at the shit we have been dealt. The thought of hanging out with some of my old friends who still socialise in a big brash party way fills me with horror - I turn down loads of invites - cant be arsed with shallow competitive small talk.

I have found this thread really helpful as I'm in a similar situation to you Wren. Had a group of approximately 8 friends for 30 odd years . We used to be so close & there for each other or so I thought. We celebrated all of our milestones together & I presumed that would be the case forever. But over the past few years there have been some fallouts, small groups forming leaving other members out of things etc. Up shot is I am not part of any of the smaller groups and find myself feeling pretty sad & friendless at times. it's good to know that it's not just me! I find it quite hard to make new friends but must make a concerted effort I think. End of misery post !

so sorry. it hurts like hell doesn't it?

i tend to feel very close to good friends and assume that they feel the same closeness but i don't think that's always the case. i've lost a couple over the years and it's very painful.

for me though, friends are so important as i don't have any family within 5000 miles. my friends are my family, and i've worked out slowly over the years who of my friends view friendship the same way. those i hang on to and make an effort with.

hanging out in the garden is tough though. i wonder if you can put earphones in? play some feel good fuck off music.

I wouldn't feel envious of that level of detachment iiwy Wren.

None of us knows how life is going to go - we could be cavalier about old friendships that we suddenly need when things go tits up. Too late to make new friends of that calibre.

We may no longer enjoy the old style of socialising (eg raucous) but people are more than 'styles', surely. Underneath all that are individual people with the same hurts, needs etc.

It's good to go the long haul with old friends and sad when old friends are considered accessories. Patronising to say but I feel sorry for people who don't get how valuable old friends can be.

Shallow competetive small talk. Yes, I've walked away from that too. I have a group of friends who meet once a week and I stopped going regularly as it just seemed like everyone was just shouting! I like to see them as individuals. But together is far too stressful.

OP, I had a similar experience with a couple of friends from uni, one of them from secondary school. I think it's harder to lose old friends because you feel as if your past is not shared with anyone you know anymore.

We were a group of four, two of them I considered really good friends, there was a close connection between us, but as regards the other one, I always had my misgivings. She was very egocentric and a real narcissist. Always boasting about her life and how great she was doing. Very competitive as well. She was slowly writing a script for us in which she was the successful woman, career-wise, money wise, marriage wise, and I was the one not doing so well. She was literally putting me always a step down.

I thought the others were my real friends, and wouldn't listen too much to her but one of them was constantly comparing me with her, and how much money she made and what a great husband she had. It was hurtful because it was a way of reinforcing the competitiveness coming from her and validating her as the "better one".

The other one would complain and criticise her no end, but when it came to it, she stuck to her and not to me. The whole process was, and still is to some extent very painful.

I decided to cut ties with the Narc as the relationship was unhealthy for me and the dynamics very messed up. I don't regret that but I do feel very sad and hurt that my other two friends ignored me after I went no contact with the other one and decided to stay in touch with her and not with me.

I found that wherever there is a narcissist in a group of friends, that the dynamics get very dysfunctional and unhealthy and that the Narc can never be challenged. If you do, she will set the other against you. You need very strong friendships to survive that. Narcs always need a scapegoat, and it's very hard to keep the friendship going when you are the one being scapegoated.

I do have new friends, who I really appreciate and I'm happy with, but I still miss those two badly.

I am in my 60's and would say that in the last 30 years I have had really 4-5 very close friends. 4-5 because one friend who I was really close to since my early 20's, always on the other end of the 'phone etc, suffered with early onset alzheimers in her early 50's and no longer knows or recognises me.
Some that I was not so close to, are now closer, and one friend's Dh has become a really good friend to my DH (which is nice)
Sometimes I think you can form quite close relationships with people, like work colleagues, mums from school, etc and these often fall completely by the wayside as you move on in life and you realise that they were not really that dependable and not that close.

Can you not just talk to them? Have you asked them why? It sounds like there must be some kind of misunderstanding.

That's the definition of being Wendied, autumn. So shocking - and hurtful - that others can't see through it.

I was only talking about this today.

The contact with my best friend from early teenage years has dwindled recently It's complicatedisn't it always and I do believe there are some jealousy issues there, mainly around money/lifestyle.

My current DP of 21 months has caused a slight rift in our larger friendship group, his past has caused a couple of friends to no longer be friends but my best friend has stuck by me. But I've found that I'm often doing the organising and suggesting meeting up. It's as though she thinks I'd prefer to be with my DP (I don't necessarily, he works evenings so I'm free to meet for drinks) and I'm convinced she prefers it when I'm single.

Her DP works shifts so she's often at a lose end. The last time I saw her socially was in February, a meal organised by me. Before that was Christmas for a lunch, organised by me. I do see her at an exercise class we both go to and I bite my tongue every week refusing to suggest meeting up. I want her to instigate it.

I feel your pain. It makes me sad but I'm a wuss and couldn't confront her.

Quite the contrary.
Once I got to mid 40s, the time I had to spend with friends began to build back up again from the minimal time I had when dc were small. the dc get to a stage when you can go out and leave them for a bit without a babysitter, etc., or can walk home from school on their own so you aren't watching the clock to be at the school gate, so you can meet a friend for lunch.
I do believe that friendships evolve with your life though. Not many things in our lives stay the same across decades, and I think friendships are part of that. That can be positive though - I've started being in much better contact with friends I was a school with, for example, that I never kept in touch with when we'd left school 35 yrs ago, and we really enjoy meeting up and keeping in touch via FB. I wouldn't have been able to make that work when the dc were little.

I wouldn't describe them as narcissists as I think that term gets bandied about on MN a lot, however I think that one of the reasons I have been ostracized is because I had always supported the one friend in everything she did -and I was very hurt when I stopped getting support from her. I wish I could say more but I have no idea if they are on MN or not so don't want to be too identifying.

I'm afraid that any attempts to change things have made things much worse.

I have been really enjoying time with other people and really appreciating them. I do think me starting this thread was because I am moving on from it all.

It's really helped me, thank you.

Ach i feel for you. I'm in a similar yet different situation: I had a baby with my very new DP a while ago and I'm the happiest I've been in so long. My friend (who moved to a different town) who's been there for me over the upsets and difficulties of the past decade (as I have for her) basically called me out for being too "self absorbed" - I'd had a baby FGS.

It went through me like a knife (cos it had a grain of truth in it I suppose) but as hard as I'm trying to rise above it, but the emotional kick in the nuts (esp after being suspected as having PND by GP - my friend knows this) she's caused me preoccupies my thoughts daily. I now haven't got work to take my mind off such things and it hurts, hurts hurts.

I'm really trying to dig deep here but feeling like I'm acting when I am on text with her, chat now feels stilted and tough because I feel so so betrayed.

The only thing I can compare the feeling to is when my then boyfriend cheated on me in my early 20s. Trying to "get past it" but feeling so wounded, betrayed and hurt at heart is - for me - nigh on impossible.

My friendship with her used to be unbreakable. Now I'm not so sure and I can see it dissolving, slowly over time.

Hi! I realize this is an old thread. I came across it and can relate. I won't go into details due to time but will say that I am in the grieving process of losing two dear friends (we were a tight group of five for over 25 years)- the 2nd one almost a year ago. I have a full life but cannot shake the pain in full. I am even considering changing my kid's schools (not the only reason- the new school is better ranked academically and was a top choice for us in the past) which will minimize the encounters. I just wanted to know if you had any recommendations. It is a painful process and not often talked about. Grieving people who are still nearby is extremely difficult! Yes, I have made new friends and strengthened other relationships. However- this does not take the pain away or fill the void. Thanks!

That's really sad and I do feel for you but I agree with the others that new people come into our lives all the time and that can be a good thing.

I have lots of groups of friends but I have about 6 that I can really count on. One I have known since I was a baby and he is very solid.