NEED TO MEET MY DAD

[dogbety]

hi went on this site about a week ago about somethibg else, i just felt better after telling someone else, also got good advise.So here an other one for you.Im 40 this year and have a great need to see my dad. My mum and dad split when i was less than a year old, my mum was also pregnant again with my sister.My mum returned to the family home and my dad back to wales where his family come from. My mum got married again and they changed our surname to theirs ( i was 5 at this time) i hated her new husband and his name, for as long as i can remember i just wanted to see my dad.The marriage didnt last as he was abusive to my mum so much, she lived a life of hell with him. We escaped after about 4 years. I think this is when it got really bad for me i still wanted to see my dad. I asked my mum several times but never got anywhere.I was about 16 on holiday in wales picked up a phone book and there it was a phone number and address for my dad (how easy that was i thought now i ring ,will all live happy)First time i rang, he let me explain who i was then put the phone down that went on for years.I feel i then got worse i didnt stalk him, just sent him a Fathers Day card and letter once a year asking to see him.Never got anything back.When i was 35 i got up one day and said to my dh that im going to see my dad and we went.We went to wales drove to his house and he was there.I got out and he looked at me and said i no who u are , you look just like your mum.. We spent about 30 mins chatting, he was asking about my mums family (mum dad brothers and all that stuff)i asked him why he didnt come to see us, and he said things were difficult. I found out he was having an affair and the woman was pregnant, so thats why he left.He told me his wife family did not no he was married before and he had got children too. He didnt want any trouble,while we were there his wifes father was about my dad said if he came over he would have to say we were customers(he has his own garden centre so lots of customers about).We left shortly after because he said he had to go and do some work, he asked me not to go again or call.he said its all past and only thinks he has 2 daughters with his wife. He does not reconize us as his nor never will. I no this sounds like he is horrrible but he wasnt i really need to see him.I promised not to get in touch and let him have his life, not that i wanted to. I just wanted him too realize i respected his wishes. Now things have changed and i realy want us to meet and spend some time together i want nothing of him, i just feel i have a connection with him that is so strong and i need to do it now.How would you deal with this, after my promise and all these years.Part of me wishes i didnt care but i do, and time will not always be there, i want5 to deal with it befor its too late. How can i make him, other than trouble. I no if i said i would tell people who i was he would meet me, but i dont want it too be like thAT, i dont want too hurt his wife or daughters but im hurting still after 40 years.

Just stumbled across your thread and couldn't stop reading your story. I don't feel able to offer any advice because I can't begin to imagine how it is to be in your position. Part of me wonders why you would want to be in touch with someone who doesn't want to know you. Again, this is because I have never been in your situation. But I know that it all boils down to the fact that he's your father and you want to understand where you come from, that side of the family, how he could leave you etc.

Are there any special support networks available online? They may be able to give you some advice. Maybe one that deals with reuniting parents and children?

I know that what I have written is of little help to you, but I hope that you find a way soon. Either to make a relationship with your father or to be at peace with the fact you may never have one. I wish you much luck. I hope that someone else reads your thread who may be of more use!

Dogbetty, I have a similar situation to yours. My mother split from my father when i was 18 months old, she was pregnant with my brother when she left. I didnt see my father until i was about 12 years old, he lived on the opposite side of the country to us and we didnt know where he was, even though we were in contact with his family. He never sent a birthday card, christmas card nor did he support us in anyway. I saw him a handful of times over the next decade, he never had a decent explanation for his behaviour. When I was 19 I was meant to meet with to 'talk' but I chickened out. Over the years since then I have tried to make contact. Sent letters, Christmas cards etc, but I made a pact with myself, I decided that if he did respond to my Ds' birth announcement I would never bother again. Surprise, surprise he didnt. I havent, and now I am just not interested in trying any more, I have gotten over it. How can any man not want to know his children? He will go to his death bed with these regrets.
I know you feel you want to contact your father, but I feel sure it will be a mistake. You will get hurt. He probably thinks he has too much to lose and nothing to gain by establishing a relationship with you. Do you really want to see someone who feels that way? Just because he is your father doesnt mean he is a decent or even good human being.

I can really empathise with what you are going through although my own situation was slightly different to yours. My parents divorced when I was about 10, and thereafter my father disappeared from our lives. He wasn't a particularly good human being, in fact a nasty and violent alcoholic, so his disappearance did at the time bring with it some measure of relief. After many years we managed to track him down and then at age 30 I phoned him. That was 10 years ago and I haven't spoken to him since. He didn't want us or to know us. At the time of making that phone call I realised that in order for these men who abandon their children to live with themselves they live in a kind of denial, and rationalise their situations away, eventually believing their own versions of history to support their stance on things. It is most likely that nothing can change the mind or thought patterns of someone who is entrenched in their thinking, who has had to be to carry on with life knowing that they have children out there whom they abandoned. So if you can't change your father then the only person you can change is yourself - focus on yourself and those people around you who did stick with you, who love you and who are your 'real' family. The biological link just isn't there sometimes emotionally, and if you can turn your focus away from him and towards yourself that might be helpful. Just remember you are the child in all of this, you did nothing wrong, you were powerless to stop events at the time. If that's the way he feels there is probably nothing you can do about it. Remember too, he is the loser, not you. He has lost out on knowing you and sharing all of your life's achievements, ups and downs with you. He has lost out. Feel sorry for him and celebrate yourself - what a loving and compassionate person you seem to be! This was my experience, I know not the same, but I hope it helps in some way. It really did for me when I realised that we all have free will to make our own choices in life, my father made his choices and I am free to make mine, and to choose to be happy! I am not defined by him.

Very good advice Mumeve. It is so difficult to accept that one of your own parents doesnt want to know you. The sense of rejection is potentially soul destroying. It neednt be though, focus on yourself and the wonderful loving family you have created.

hi and thanks too you all for your messages.I no this is hard for peole too understand, its hard for me too sometimes ,i dont understand myself why i have such a need too see him (i wish i didnt).I am in my life happy ive been married for 21 yaers and we have been together since i was 15. We have 2 great children who we love too bits and are all very close, there is just this one thing missimg. I feel i need too put it to rest but not until i have the answers i need. We go to wales quiet alot for days out even holidays, and i love the place.My children no that my father lives there as we pass his garden centre on the way, they say thats were your dad lives. They never asked if he is their grandad or want to see him, they just no it makes me sad sometimes.I wonder why i have this feeling for him, which i no i have only seen him once in 40 years, but i feel a bond there(no that sounds silly but dont no how else too say how i feel).I dont even have a picture which is what id like too.I have a copy of my birth certifacate and a copy of my mum and dad marriage cert, which i take great care off.My sis who is 1 year younger, is the oppaosite too me, she hates him and says nastty things if he is mentioned, but how can u hate someone you dont no. Althou i am happy in my life , this has stopped me doing somethings. like when me and dh got married we married in the local office, not church as i could not have my dad there to give me away i couldnt do it in church.I feel i should give him 1 more chance, but how would i go about it. I dont want too upset him, his wife (even thou she ran off with my dad got pregnant, and didnt encourage him to visit us.)or his 2 other daughter who are 39 and 37.Thanks for reading this .