feel like I can't stand DH

[mummatucker]

Was going to name change but I can't be bothered.

I feel like I can't bear my DH. There's been more a drip drip of things over the last year or so that have damaged our relationship (I believe) rather than any one thing in particular, but in the last 3 months or so I feel as if I've almost checked out. I feel so sad. We've got a lot on at the moment, main thing being we're about to move house which is of course stressful. That's been hanging over us since Christmas. But the new house and new area is a positive move.

We've got a 11 month old. I don't want to feel like this. I'm so angry and bitter and its pent up inside with nowhere to go because the discussions/ arguments/ heart to hearts I try to have with him amount to nothing.

What can I do? Has anyone ever been in this position and it's worked out ok?

Without knowing what he's done it's hard to advise.
Would he agree to couples counselling?
Is he good with the baby?
Helps out etc....?
Gives you a break every now and then???

He's good when it suits him. He definitely loves the baby very much. Doesn't give me much of a break. I was very upset when he treated his paternity leave as a chance to catch up on sleep and have found his general approach to new parenthood hard to forgive.

I find him very very self centred and unwilling to give to us as a couple, if that makes sense.

It's really hard having a new baby and it does put a strain on a relationship but it's difficult to advise without knowing some detail. I can only offer my experience of how it was for us when we were new parents.

How are you feeling generally? A new baby and a house move is very significant.

I went through something similar and realised I was exhausted and then my relationship with my dh started to deteriorate.

Can you ask him to take on some more responsibility?

Is there any chance you could have undiagnosed PND mumma? Sometimes it can creep up on you slowly, until the day you realise that feeling grey and flat is 'normal'. Your feelings for your DH could be mixed up in that general depression.

Can you go away with a friend for a few days and leave the baby with him? Just to get some space, and a bit of time to have a think? It's amazing how differently you feel after some uninterrupted sleep.

BTW, I knew my marriage was in serious trouble when I had to go into hospital after having my DS and my (now ex) H handed the baby to me, the second I got home saying I'd 'had a nice rest' in hospital.

I'm really tired. DS sleeps now, but he didn't for the first 6 months. I'm about to go back to work and feel like we're running on empty.

I just want some hope that this is a temporary thing and we'll remember why we're together

I can imagine my H saying that Ginger. If he helps me with the baby I know I'll pay for it somewhere down the line. And it's easier to do it myself because then I haven't got to ask and cajole him.

I don't think I'm depressed, I get a lot of joy from DS and life in general. I so feel pretty flat about our relationship though.

What was he like before the baby?

Pretty much the same. We had a different sort of life then, I think. And I was working in a stressful job and I think that distracted me from how he was... Or at least he was one part of the whole of my life, he's a bigger part now and I'm more reliant on him and I've got more time to think about how disappointed I feel sometimes.

Feel a bit of a fraud posting here. He doesn't hit me, or cheat on me or spend all our money, or refuse to work. I just feel unhappy with him.

Oh OP you sound really sad

Someone doesn't have to hit you or cheat on you or whatever to be a horrible person. He doesn't sound very nice to be around. Apart from money, what does he actually contribute? Because it sounds like you do everything with the baby and he's just earning the money and that's it.

He shouldn't be "helping" you, either. It's his baby too, he should want to look after LO and doing his fair share so he can spend time with his child!

If you're unhappy, that's enough of a reason to leave him. He sounds quite unpleasant and detatched, imo.

What do you need from him OP?

"help me with the baby" is such a sad statement. An au-pair helps you with the baby. A parent "takes care of his son".

Here's your statement again with that replacement. "If he takes care of his son I know I'll pay for it somewhere down the line."

If you are going back to work soon then he'll be starting back doing 50% of the chores soon, yes? Or do you intend to work and do everything else too?

He acknowledged 'we'll find it difficult' when I go back to work with doing stuff in the house. The reality is if I want it done I need to do it.

I've missed a few questions sorry. Yes I could suggest couples counselling. Hadn't thought of that. I want to be with someone who acts like they love me and who is a partner in things rather than going in the opposite direction from me.

I posted because I wanted to know whether it is supposed to be this difficult and if I can do anything to make it better.

What excuse does he give for doing nothing with his child?

He does help. But as some have you have said, it is 'help' rather than independent 'care'.

Feel a bit like I'm a one man band

So you're knackered and he's proving to be an unsatisfactory partner and a poor parent. Sounds like you've asked him to do a fair share and nothing has changed. Time to get tough with him, and perhaps consider getting out.

Counselling is a really good idea. Even if it doesn't work, you'll be able to walk away knowing you tried everything you could which is so important - if you decide to call it quits, you need to be sure in your own mind it was the right thing to do so there are no subsequent "what ifs?". Counselling will help you there. And a third party who doesn't know either of you is always useful.

If you go to counselling, get someone qualified, eg BACP.

Thanks for your suggestions. I'm going to talk to him about counselling tonight