advice needed (tho kinda know what I need to do!!)

[Fuckeduphead03]

How do you move on from a man who's been in your life for 18 years and with whom you've never really had a proper relationship with?? I've been single for 10 years. Few disastrous relationships, this man always been 'there'. He currently lives with his parents whilst he is trying to buy a house of his own, has a child with his 'ex' and I use the term loosely as I really have no idea what the fuck is going on with them? She has recently bought him out of the mortgage they had together. He blows hot and cold, tells me I'm beautiful, wants to 'make a go' of things but I get no proof? I don't seem to feature in his life other than to text and occasionally meet up. It's not even all about sex as that doesn't feature??? Obviously it does every now and then but not all the time. We had a heart to heart a while ago he says he really wants to make a go of it but apart from the odd coffee date..... Nothing??? To me, he could be here with me a lot more? Sorry this isn't much info but it's such a long complex tale I don't know where to begin????

Thanks mora you're right it is really difficult. I just need to take off my rise tinted specs and start seeing him for what he is !! I don't know if I can totally block him without saying how I feel to his face?

If you feel you have to then that's obviously your decision. Maybe set yourself a strict time limit to have the face to face, as otherwise you could just be using it as a delaying tactic. Use your knowledge of what he's said before to jot notes of how you think he will respond as a kind of fuckwit bingo, so that you can hear the words from his mouth whilst still holding to your decision.

I feel I can't personally just block him without getting my points across does that make sense? It's certainly not a delaying tactic I just feel after all these years I have so much to say (all negative!) to him and I can't walk away until I make it clear to him how he's fucked me about all this time .

I understand why you feel the need to tell him. I really do get it. The person I was a year ago would absolutely have had to tell him.

You know he won't care though? He's well aware that he's been fucking you about for years and he doesn't care because he is focused on his needs not yours.

You're so right but I'm doing it for hopefully closure for me
I think I know exactly how he will react as I told him a few weeks ago I wanted to draw a line under it all. I guess I secretly hoped he would be shocked into realising what he felt ........ STUPID STUPID me! His reaction was to get defensive, tell me how stressed he's been etc and how he hopes I find Mr Perfect!!!!!!!! My knee jerk reaction (after a few wines) was to tell him exactly how I felt and how I was sick of being dicked around. Lots of texts back and forth and we arranged to meet. Had a really lovely night, talked lots. He told me he'd grown up. Wanted to see how things go with us. That was two weeks ago and fuck all has changed!!!! So the more this happens the stronger I feel about telling him to jog on xx

So I have an update.
Was out at the weekend and he showed up, it was a works do so he was invited. He ignored me all night I was really pissed off. I walked home alone and he caught up with me. Came back to mine and we cuddled, I never slept with him (thankfully). He said he really wanted to give things a go?
So had the usual non eventful texts next day and I asked when I could see him he said he was having a family BBQ! I never had an invite. Fine I can live with that. Today the texts got really sexual again. I thought fuck this do asked him outright 'are we still gonna make a go of this?'......... Nothing for ages then I got ' depends on whether you'll dress up for me' and loads of laughing faces!!!!! I said 'oh that's a no then!' ......... Nothing for ages then 'sorry I've had to have my cat put to sleep'
My ghast is flabbered!!!!!!!!

Where is your self esteem? Find it. Quick. You can do better.

Run rabbit my self esteem is at an all time low which is why I love my mumsnet as you make me see thru all the fog!!!!

Oh OP, I hate this dickwad. Where is your anger??? He is taking the piss!! Delete his number again. Better still, block it.

You fell off the wagon. It's ok. Now get back on it!!! Immediately.

You might find www.breakuprecoveryguide.com useful or the baggage reclaim site... It's gonna be tough going cold turkey but you can do it!!

Thankyou Handy I need EXACTLY this talk!!!! I'm yet again feeling stupid for falling for his bullshit. In the 3 weeks since he said he really wanted to give things a go and I told him to prove it I've seen him 3 times! And I'm sorry but I know it's sad that his cat was out to sleep (I'm an animal lover!) he had the chance to tell me that he DOES want to give it a go instead if going yet again silent! His ex, if she IS his ex is off in her hols tomorrow so he will be living in her house for s fortnight so good fucking luck to him!!!! I NEED to get angry!!!!!

It's Groundhog Day isn't it! Your update is exactly the same sequence of events that happened before, and before that, and before that... Let that be your 'closure' now - he only has one way of behaving to you, and it's like this, so cut him loose!

It's not odd to him though is it and he doesn't seem to care how any of this makes you feel, are you still with him then cos I think you are completely wasting your time.

They're hardly separated are they OP, it's all very coupl-y.

Thankyou. It's really hard. I guess it's easy if you have confidence and srka esteem but over the years, and not just due to this man, mine has been eroded away. I have no family support so only have friends who obviously have lives of their own. It's late at night I feel it. I get these texts off him of course it makes me feel good. I've known him such a long time. I'm really not some stupid young girl, tho I know I sound like one. I believed what he time me...... Stupidly. X

Look, OP, he turned up at your work's do and ignored you for most if not all of the night, does that not tell you anything - in the real world it means they don't give a fuck, I don't know when the penny will drop for you but I hope it's soon cos without even seeing him I just know you can do a zillion times better than this half in half out waste of time.

I desperately want the penny to drop which is why I'm posting xx

The energy you are wasting with this man is enormous.He is in your head because of his words, not his actions.

Any attention from him seems better than none but it really isn't.

I was in a similar position years ago and had to create the space (go non contact).Take 1 action to reach out to someone else or someone new.

In the 45mins he kept you waiting for a coffee you could have had a yoga class which would have left you feel more composed.

What can you do tomorrow to reach out to a new person or restablish contact with someone positive? You have to break the cycle you are in, it won't change, he will still offer you crumbs and your self esteem will continue to nose dive.Worse you get understandable angry and he ends things because he believes you are 'unstable'.

T

This man has no respect for you, OP.

Men do not get into relationships with women they don't respect.

They do shag them/dick them around/use them for booty calls/ego boosts though...

Think about which camp you are in.

.... After you've done this, OP, repeat this phrase five times:

This man has no respect for me

Do this morning an night for the next six months.

No contact is permitted with him for the next six months.

Thanks all please keep them coming!!!! XXXX

If he wanted to be with you, he'd be with you. No question. He might have other women on the go.

So he texted this morning wanting to meet for coffee. I've deleted his number so I can't text him but I know the last few numbers of his. I decided to just be honest and told him there's no point in all this as I'm obviously not someone he wants to be in a relationship with. I told him that his head is somewhere else and I'm just the girl he meets up with occasionally for coffee and sex texts. I said I was ready to walk away ages ago and it was him who said he was up for giving things a go but nothing has changed. He replied saying he's had a shit week and all he wanted was a cuddle not a lecture!!!!! Said how I'd been working recently and today was the only day is been free!!!!!!! Finished it off with 'have a nice day off '!!!!! So I stupidly let rip again. I needed to get it off my chest!!! Poured my heart out and he replied 'xxxxxx' so now I finally have reached the angry stage how fucking dare he make it out as tho it's MY doing!!!!

One of my male friends and my DP say that it's men like this who make us women realize when we meet a good one. So while you're now feeling angry, upset hurt and probably a little bit used, it will pass. He's the one who is missing out, and really all he's doing is helping you. When you meet the right one, you'll know, because he won't make you feel like this asshat does. So, be angry at him for right now, he deserves it. But he's really just paving the way for the right man who will respect you, love you and value you.

Thanks Pohara I think the fact I've been on my own 10 long years doesn't help there isn't exactly a queue of men! I have been getting boosts to my confidence from this man......... Followed by these huge dips! He really made me feel like he wanted to give it a go snd yet again he's let me down. He said he'd grown up etc etc and is buying his own place but it's all just words isn't it?

I need to get my confidence back up and actually realise it IS him who's missing out!!! He's going to grow old very lonely even if he still is with the ex from what I know it wasn't great when they were officially together!!!

At least he's showing you what you don't want in a relationship. He's just helping you prepare yourself for the right relationship. And your self confidence is much more important than his libido and his confidence.

My ex used to tell me that I'd never meet anyone who treated me like he did. He was right. I met someone who treats me much, much better.