He's been sexting other women

[tiredandnumb]

Background: DH and I together for 10 years. Married nearly 8. DCs are 6 and 3.

Last night I was using his computer and found FB messages sexting with 5 other women.
I know 2 of them. I quite liked them.
The messages are combinations of chat about their days and dirty talk. Most of it quite kinky. There are some (clothed) selfies. He's kinkier than I am, but I thought we had a pretty good sex life. In fact, I was after more sex than we were having.

The messages go back months and months and months.

He was out when I found the messages. I sent him a text telling him that he ought to come home because I'd found them.

What followed was a teary confession about his self-hatred, his selfishness, his depression (He's been on anti-depressants for a few years, and has suffered from depression on and off all the time I've known him) his knowing that it was wrong but being self-destructive. It was fiction, it was fantasy, it was because he didn't want to feel old and boring (we're 35! we have 2 small kids and draining jobs! Who doesn't feel old and boring?) - he's never had sex with these women or anyone but me since we've been together (I do actually believe this, as these are friends from the UK that he knew in his 20s, and we've lived in another country together for 10 years)...
I pointed out that he was talking about him, not me, and not us.
I pointed out that I had no way to tell if he was sorry because he was caught, or if he really understood and was sorry about how much he's hurt me.

He said he's been doing this on-and-off for six years.

It was late and I let him stay in the house (and the bed) because I was so fucking tired and numb and nauseous.
I don't think I want a divorce - we really did have a good thing going on. We enjoy each other's company, I still fancy him after 10 years - I thought we had something really great, actually. I always thought we were lucky.

I do want to absolutely terrify him. I'm furious. I want him to never, ever, ever do this to me again. I want to be able to trust him.
I don't want a divorce. But I want to be married to the man I thought he was, not this person I don't know.

He's offered to give up his smartphone and get an old-fashioned mobile. He's offered to not have a mobile. He's given me access to his computer (which I already had) and his phone and everything else.
He messaged all the women and copied me onto the messages, explaining that he was blocking them because he made terrible choices and betrayed me and he hopes he can save his marriage/life.

I'm thinking of taking off for a couple of nights in a hotel and letting him deal with the DCs and swimming lessons and all that crap while I figure out what I want.
I don't know if I actually want to do this or if I just want to punish him. I don't know anything. I feel numb and so tired. And heartbroken.
He's contacting a therapist for him, and a couples one - today.
Anyone who has come back from something like this: how did you do it?
I'm not planning on LTBing, I don't think. Unless I can't find a way forward. I don't want to live with him while slowly sinking into horrible resentment and loathing. I want my life back. . . but it was all a lie.

Two posters have said he'll do it again.

I don't really want to talk to you Jan.

I felt comments weren't helpful. You disagree with me. Doesn't matter.

Some people are serial cheaters others just get swept along.
The op knows her partner better than anyone. Omg if I described my husband you would all tell me to run. But be really is my best friend.
We all make mistakes some small some huge.

I am not really in the 'black or white' camp either. To a degree.

I believe that good people can make terrible mistakes,but an awful lot hinges on how that person deals with what they have done.

So, 6 years on and off... Why on and off? What was the trigger, or was it a lack of opportunity (although obviously there are many sites online to meet like minded people, sadly ). What is his explanation for this time scale? 6 years is a bloody long time to keep this up, even with breaks in between. It really is a true level of deceit.

I think another poster mentioned depression being a factor earlier in the thread. I don't see it as being an excuse for cheating at all BUT mental health issues can obviously affect behaviour in different ways. It sounds like that's something else he needs to address if he is using it as a reason.

But I want to be married to the man I thought he was

Impossible.

I know it's impossible. I'm just ... venting, really.

It sounds like this has been one of his coping mechanisms when he's really depressed. Escapist fantasy stuff. A bad coping mechanism, but I do get how it has happened. He's not offering this as an excuse, but when I've asked more questions today, he's pointed to times and those are periods that were really rough. So .. a cause, maybe. But, to his credit, he doesn't try to justify this.

Of course I'm angry and hurt that instead of leaning in to a tough time he plunged into escapist stuff. Specially sexual stuff. Specially with other women. But it also does make sense to me, knowing who he is. He's got quite an addictive personality and I can see how this was a great little fix for him without feeling like he was 'really' doing anything bad.

Frankly, if he'd just been writing porno stories or something, I'd not be fussed. It's the other women being involved that makes it feel like cheating.

The one thing that is different about this situation than all the others you read about on here, is that he has admitted to 6 years of this, when he didn't need to.

One thing that struck me about your OP.

we're 35! we have 2 small kids and draining jobs! Who doesn't feel old and boring?

35 is REALLY FUCKING YOUNG!!! Christ sake woman - you're a long time dead, don't start feeling old and boring just yet!

of course it is cheating

he is looking for sexual kicks outside your relationship

you sound like you will smooth it over for him though...lucky him

I hope he realises quite how much self respect you will have to bin for the privilege of staying with this idiot

What do you get out of this relationship now?. What is in this for you?.

If you had been sexting I doubt very much that he would be at all forgiving. He has also lied to your face for the past 6 years.

Think you are at real risk of now doing the "pick me dance" therefore lowering your already low self esteem and worth even more.

If there is no trust there is really no relationship.

Your MN name is tiredandnumb.
That's probably because you are.

Just imagine, your MN name could be happyandfree.

And you could be.

I have had similar issues with my husband. The absolute worst thing for me is how I feel about myself now. What it has taken me mentally and emotionally to stay with him.

The trust will be gone. You are in shock now and it will hit you harder, believe me. My husband had mental health problems and addiction problems- do I honestly believe he was in his full right mind? No. I really don't. But it doesn't help the hurt or the complete lack of trust.

I urge you to make him leave. Make him realise that this 'fantasy/escapism' could quite possibly cost him his family life.

I can only speak from my own experiences. Had a situation with my then boyfriend now husband. Where I found out that he had been messaging other women. We ended up working it out and I trust him completely now... It wasn't him trying to be with these women, he did it for the attention. (not in any way saying what he did was at all right) I think sometimes guys get overwhelmed or stressed and instead of sharing how they feel or talking to us they go to what ever is going to be the easiest fix especially if it has to do with depression(My DH didn't want to inform me he was depressed because he thought I would look at him as less as a man and think he was weak). He's offered to cut off contact with everyone and he's giving you access to his all his electronics and social media which to me is a huge step in the right direction.

Jesus, so it's getting swept under that mound that is already there, the six year old one, I don't know what he said to you but he's certainly done a number on you, you are actually defending him cheating on you with friends that you have, Jesus.

You say this is his personalty, he looks for escapism when stressed so does that mean next time he's feeling a bit anxious he'll get back on the old pc and start up the sex chat with maybe your next door neighbour.

Honestly OP, find your self respect and boot him to fuck, at least so he feels a consequence, nothing will change for you now, nothing, apart from you having even less self esteem.

Frankly, if he'd just been writing porno stories or something, I'd not be fussed. It's the other women being involved that makes it feel like cheating.

Because it IS cheating.

User, what you have written is a pile of man pleasing crap. I am glad you are happy but the compromises you have made demean you. Sounds like op is willing to do the same.

It pains me to see women make so many excuses for these child-men. You, and all women should hold out for no less than a man that puts you at the top of his priorities not just when he whines he is sorry at getting caught trying to shag your mates/random women

I get that people can make a mistake, a ons even but an affair or a 6 year behind your partner's back with other women having sex chats, in fact women that are your friends, nah, sorry no amount of tears could change my mind.

I'd guess this situation for the OP carries on as per for him, must be great, a wee slap on the wrist, meantime, she will be going out her mind trying to police him like a 10 year old.

Really depressing to read how shit men are being excused so easily.

I've suffered with depression on and off for the last ten years.

Have been very self critical, paranoid, low, stressed, struggled to sleep, cried at work, cried at home, cut myself of from friends and family, drank, binge ate, purged, excessively exercised, thought I was bad person and being punished and would never find happiness.

Never once sexted behind a partner's back with their fucking FRIENDS.

Really not loving arsehole men dressing up their arseholery as 'depression'.

Though must remember this excuse if I'm ever caught cheating on anyone.

Sorry if this reads harshly OP - I really feel for you. But this depression excuse is just the worst kind of bullshit.

Perhaps you can work through this - but you need to address it for what it really is - six years of infidelity.



I went through this with an ex boyfriend, though that was him sexting for two months. Same reasons given, depression etc and tbh I believe him on that as looking back there were definitely signs. I dropped him, but he now has another relationship and they seem happy. As far as I know, he hasn't done it again.

I'm not a believer in once a cheater always a cheater. None of us on here can give you a cast iron guarantee that he won't do it again. It's up to you to decide if it's worth saving and untangle all your feelings. I went to therapy at the time of mine, I recommend that you do - it can feel like everyone you know is judging if you tell them and that neutral ear was so wonderful.

I really don't think OP is suggesting "excusing him so easily" and Kitten, depression affects everybody differently which will not be news to you. OP has said he isn't using this as an excuse, rather she is putting together a picture in her mind of how this has come about in her relationship.

And also, Jesus, when did going through a tough time make someone prime candidate to be given a hard time for how they're dealing with it!? It's depressing to read how this woman and others like her choose to handle their lives is it Jan? I understand your perspective, but it is not universal, and that was tactless and unkind. And demeaning themselves! Bloody hell.

Hopefully it's clear I'm not defending this guy for the obvious deep hurt and upheaval he's caused. However for some these issues are not so cut and dried - and that's absolutely okay, surely! We are each the person we have to look at each day in the mirror and be happy with, so someone else's choices may not bring us the happiness they have brought them - you have to live by your own yardstick; I hope OP feels empowered to think long and hard about hers and make the decisions she deems appropriate.

There is no right or wrong way to be if you've asked yourself the question and given yourself the honest answer. Some people lie to themselves or feel too weak to act, but when someone describes in all rational tone the person they want to be in the face of a crisis - GOOD FOR THEM. Being true to that is what will make them happy. No-one's saying they can't change their mind.

Eatsleep - yes I'm very aware that depression affects people differently. But I wasn't having a go at OP for linking it to this - it's her husband who did this:

What followed was a teary confession about his self-hatred, his selfishness, his depression (He's been on anti-depressants for a few years, and has suffered from depression on and off all the time I've known him) his knowing that it was wrong but being self-destructive.

OP - sorry if I was blunt/harsh - I just get sick of men blaming infidelity on mental illness/stress etc or basically playing the depression 'card' - I've seen this in friends' relationships where they essentially dial back their responsibility in this way (then go on to cheat again). It also makes it harder for the woman to leave.

But this may not be the case with your husband, and in any case he may be genuinely contrite and taking responsibility for what he's done.

I hope whatever the situation you find a way to do what's right for YOU - you deserve to be in a living, respectful relationship with someone who makes you happy.

User

Everyone gets overwhelmed and stressed at times. That's no excuse for sexting other women.

You say all is fine now? That's as far as you know or does he have better coping mechanisms now? Or he never gets stressed now. Having total trust especially after one experience will leave you devastated and blindsided if anything else happens.

This isn't gender specific. Women cheat via sexting too. It's an individual choice.

OP - I agree with another poster. 35 is young. Don't act like you're on your last legs here.

It's all about him isn't it?

How boring for you. You have be objective. He will probably always default to sexting in times of stress. You don't. So you've been operating thinking he gives a crao when actually he's been sexting.

You found out and suddenly it's all about his self hatred which wasn't apparent recently. I see.

Next it will be all your fault. He's done all the minimising stuff, and the self heal is to come. Is he hoping for your support in that or his old friends? What about your healing and help?

He should leave, not you. Go home and tell him to check into a premium inn for the next week.

Be careful- and get your ducks in a row. Financial and child order ducks I mean, nor sexting ducks.