I'm new and need help

[Brokensoul16]

So I'm awake it's 1:41am and today has been just plain hell for me.

I wish I never did what I did but it's done now and I don't know where to go from here.

Basically I stumbled across a website and found my husband using it ie his email address and the same old password he uses.

It's a dating site a gay/bisexual dating website. I don't know what to do! So I joined up and messaged him. I can't confront him as I have no proof and also he will turn the tables on me saying that I'm in the wrong for doing what I did.

But I stumbled acrossed it typed his email address in and password and it logged me in. I seen some of the messages he has sent to men asking to hook up.
I don't know if he has or not,

I don't know what to do I feel like my whole world is falling apart. I have been faithful to him and stuck by him threw everything all the plop he has put me threw all the heart ache and this is what I get in return!

Why can he just be truthful to me. Instead of lies it is always lies lies lies lies! I am no stuck here thinking what can I do? Where do I go from here. Do I tell him? Or should I wait till I can try and catch him then he doesn't have a leg to stand on!

I love this man but I don't think I can be with him not now, not after this. We have three children which I take care of as well as him and his family. I feel like a right idiot a fool a doormat.

All I ever did was love that man. Now I don't know who he is he says he loves me, but love isn't that is it? Love isn't the lying and the cheating is it?

I wish I knew what to do apart of me wants to confront him but another part of me wants to know where this leads try and catch him out so I don't look like the bad guy in this.
As he will make me out to be the bad guy in this he can always with out doubt turn the tables and say it's my fault.

My fault that I never gave him enough sex
I am up every morning with the kids 4:30 till 10pm every day I am shattered and nights like this one j am up with the baby.
So excuse me for being over tired to even give you sex or even think about it.

I am so hurt and betrayed! Why do people play with other people's hearts and emotions like this? I thought he was a lovely caring man. Now I don't know who he is. I don't even believe him when he says he loves me anymore.

I feel so sad and mixed of emotions. Apart of my is screaming HAVE IT OUT WITH HIM!!!!! but the other part of me is saying bide your time get the proof and then have it out with him as he is all about the proof.

sighs men are right jerks!

His fun has caused you to feel tired and broken.

It's unacceptable.

And it's not unacceptable because you're a killjoy. Most married people would be deeply hurt by their spouse looking for a hook up. Even if they were only looking, or wanting an ego boost. (Though he's almost certainly minimising.)

The truth of what he's done? You have no way of ever finding it out lovey.

Also he sounds disgusting

Ok, let's look at this from another angle. Can you tell me the positive things out if this relationship?
Do you feel loved, cared for, supported,respected,cherished?
You deserve to be all of these things, and I've git to be honest they guy you are with sounds horrible. He doesn't wash or brush his teeth and spends his time looking at gay porn? That really is a long long way from a normal loving relationship.
Please get some sleep so you can think more clearly, and then take a long hard look at this toxic relationship. I think you need a bit of space to get your head straight.

I suggested that I go to my mums on Friday and he freaked out saying that I am leaving him and that I won't come back.
I have never seen him act like this. He keeps saying he never met anyone or has cheated on me. It has only been me he wants.

He said he was sorry and that he won't do it again tomorrow he is getting rid of his phone and not going on the Internet. He said he wants us to grow old together.
He said it was a stupid mistake. I said to him it's twice now!!

He said he was doing it for attention that the past 3 years have been difficult for us (they really have been)

I don't know what to do or what to think anymore. He is a lovely man he took care of me after we had our first born.
I do feel loved sometimes and cares for sometimes.

But I don't know we had a talk this evening after his freak out. He was deeply upset.
I really don't know what to do apart of me wants to make this work as I love him. But the niggling part is having doubts and is wondering if he is truely being honest with me.

I do need some time to think it threw but I don't know when I will get that as suggesting going to my mums he freaks out.

So confused and so tired I still haven't been asleep yet! :( going to try and get some sleep. But I doubt I will get any with all the thoughts that are rattling in my head..... sighs

Why is love so damaging? I miss the good old days when he wasn't like this when it was just us. I feel so sad :(

His solution is that he never goes on the internet again ? Oh dear.

Love isn't damaging. This man is damaging. To you.

Love isn't damaging. Anyone who damages you doesn't love you.

He doesn't want you to go to your mum's because you will be out of his control. He want to continue wrecking your head and grinding you down until you are too defeated to leave him. Please don't let that happen.

Has he explained why he was looking at gay porn specifically? Is he gay or bi?Is that side if him something you were aware of and are ok with?

It really is a horrible situation for you to be in. Get some sleep and then go to your mum's. You really do need some space to try and get your head straight.

He's trying to control your emotions, OP. He's acting desperate and needy so you don't leave and he can have uninterrupted time to make you see he'd NEVER hurt you. Only he has. He's damaged your self worth, made you doubt yourself, made you doubt him and your marriage more than once and he needs to understand that while he may not have had an affair with anyone else, he may as well have had for all the damage its caused you.

Only you two know if you can survive it. Would you stay if he cheated? What is and what isn't acceptable to you? There have to be boundaries.

Did you know he was gay/bisexual/bi-curious? If not, is that the thing that is bothering you more than the dating site or the betrayal of trust as a whole?

He explained saying he was curious.

Mum said it is easy these days for anyone to get any information they want these days.

I don't know after a little bit of sleep I feel even more confused than ever.

No I didn't even know I thought he was straight. He said to me as I asked if and he said no he hasn't even kissed a man let alone have sex with a man.

I don't know what to do. He has said he is sorry a thousand of times he doesn't understand why he does what he does. He said he never meant to hurt me and that he will never forgive him self.

I don't know what to do here as you guys are saying he is controlling me. I really don't know what to do.

I think in the morning or even on Friday I will suggest that I go to mums with the boys. After all I said to him we won't get over this straight away it will take time.

I don't know what to think anymore I wish I knew. As this man is my everything as crazy as it sounds he really is. But since all this I don't know if I am just fooling myself thinking that this won't happen again.

I think the whole lying if he was upfront with me came to me and said look I am a little curious about this. But he never did the fact that he went on these sites,

I don't know what do to. The more I go round it the more it sounds crazy and I can't make sense of it.

Feel so lost and confused. I never thought this would happen.

So back to my other question about him being controlling what signs are there so I can look out for them. I feel so messed up :(

In my experience, he'll do it again. Next time he won't mean to hurt you either and he may honestly not want to hurt you, but he will. If you can forget and move on you're a far braver woman than I am as I would be on edge waiting for the next time and it would devastate me.

If he's truly bisexual (or just curious) this will lead to more. He's looking for something outside of the relationship beyond your control. This could be sexual attraction to men or just attention in general. He thought he was doing no wrong and not hurting you? Obviously not or he would have spoken to you about it.

Does he try to make you see things his way, OP? Turn your fury into feeling sorry for him because he's apologising constantly? Is he making promises he can't ever hope to keep instead of real steps towards help? Do you believe him, go back then find yourself in the same position weeks down the line being fed the same spiel? Does he make you feel valued and equal? These are signs of emotional control and manipulation. It never quite feels like control but it's his way of moulding your emotions so they fit on his timeline of what's acceptable. Like being desperate for you to not go to your mums just for one night where he can't talk you round if you decide to not go back. I bet if you do put your foot down and go he'll be texting and calling constantly looking for a rapport.

I did ask him would he ever tell me and he said no as nothing was happening!?
No I am going to go to my mums on Friday till Sunday as I can't do this.

He kept saying sorry loads and then started to complain that he had a pain in his head. I did feel sorry for him. But at the same time I am so hurt.

It's so hard I thought we would grow old together but I don't know maybe he is controlling me. I don't know what to do. I wish I could just get some space but I know he will wear me down and I'll send up staying and not going to my mums.

He said that I wouldn't come back and that will be it. I said I'll be back on Sunday I need time to think things threw as this has broken me and he said it has broken him too.

I don't know how what coz I caught him out? He did say he felt ashamed, embarrassed, and upset.

I don't know what to think I don't know if he really means it and will try harder. I don't know :(

I did feel sorry for him
Yep - there's the 'controlling' right there!
And a tonne load of manipulation thrown in for good measure.

He was deeply upset
Aaahhh..... bless him! NOT!!!
Don't fall for this crap.
What about how upset you are?
Did he address that at all?
Was any of the conversation about you?

He only went on there out of curiosity
They ALL say this.

He cannot live the rest of his life not going on the internet.
The world is moving forward and we will be relying on it more and more.

Sorry but he sounds like a controlling asshole!

Make sure you do go to your mums.
Get the space you need.
If he really did consider YOU in all this he would be stepping back and letting you have your space.
Is he?
Nope!
It's still all about HIM!

If it was just curious he might look at a picture once, not look at porn movies, join a site,set up a profile then message men!
How long can he stay off the internet??? That won't change his need for men.
Sorry just my opinion

He said it had broken him too

Is he fucking serious with this shit????!!!!

It seems you're not even allowed to be broken. Let alone spend a night away from him. Lovely.

They ALL minimise, you know.

I expect he is embarrassed, and so he bloody well should be. He might be curious and confused about his sexuality, but he set him set himself up on a hook up site to try and shag another bloke. I'm not sure how you can overcome that really. How are those urges going to go? He's sexually attracted to men and he's married to a woman.

Go to your mum's and have a break. Better still make him leave. You need time.