New Boyfriend

[Cityfreak]

My ex left a couple of years ago and we have no contact with him. I have not had a date since then and in fact I have only met 3 men whom I did not already know since then. This is because I work full-time in a small incestuous profession and when I am not working I am caring for my son, and a lot of my old friends have dumped me because I have a baby, so I never go to any parties. I do see old friends but they have all racked their brains and don't know anyone they could introduce me to. All my colleagues are married men and I only want to meet a boyfriend who is unattached. I am starting to think that I will never have a boyfriend again (my ex was also my best friend and I have not had a close friend since then) and never have any more children, although I am 28. 2 colleagues have, meaning well, suggested that I advertise, but I cannot face it. I know that some of you have managed to have second relationships - how did you manage to meet the new boyfriend?

Cityfreak

Don't look down on the advertising route. My wife did just that after seperating from her 1st husband, I answered her advert in the local papers heartlines column and here we are now 5 years on married with a baby girl (and now she wants a little sister or brother for her).

It is not always easy to do and a lot of people shy away from it because of a stigma that seems to be attached to it but I have never seen a difference bewteen it and a singles bar or party.

You can always use one of the internet services like Love@Lycos if you don't want to use the papers or even just use some of the singles chat rooms in Lycos, Yahoo or MSN.

Cityfreak - I'm in a similar situation to you really. "Social life" really consists of meals out with female friends, cinema or proper nights out with a male friend who is attached - all situations where I am unlikely to meet a male! Club nights with female friends are pretty useless now because I've reached that invisible age.

When I first got a computer, me and a freind were laughing (not in a cruel way!) about the Love@Lycos site because people quite openly put their pictures on it! However, after meeting so many from here on Saturday and realising how normal everyone is, I can't imagine it's any worse to try something like that. Just, you go first

a friend of mine had some success at www.datingdirect.com
At least you know people who put their details on are in some way looking for a relationship.
And don't forget - relationships are widely overrated and the source of a lot of heartache! ( ooh I'm feling cynical tonight )

hi cityfreak

india knight was recommending www.match.com in the Standard the other day. depending on what you think of india k., that will make you want to log straight on or run away screaming!

i can understand why you are wary of the advertising/internet route... but otoh, i was very nervous before meeting everyone on sat (even though i'd met some people before!) yet everyone was great, so maybe that provides some encouragement for giving internet dating thing a whirl...

hope all goes ok with your mum and dad and your ds on jubilee weekend.

all the best.

Hi cityfreak, I know, it's hard. Not only are you single but you have a child. Hard one, I've been there...but there is hope! After leaving my husband I met (and now live with) a wonderful, intelligent, supportive, kind, attractive man who is committed to me and my son.

Sad to say though, I met him in a pub and we had what was supposed to be a one night stand - sorry, used to be a slapper, as I've said elsewhere - which has turned into a very happy and solid relationship. Not that I'd recommend picking up men in pubs, but I do want to give you hope. My sister met and is going out with a man she met on the internet and, although they are not the love of each others' lives, they are having a good time and a laugh (she is childless though). As I hope you know from this site, we're not all weirdos on the internet!

My advice (and I'm not seasoned at this since having a child), would be to go out as much as possible, accept every invitation that comes your way, and keep an open mind. You are only 28, there's plenty of time (I met dp when I was 32), Good Luck.

CityFreak, you might want to consider Drawing Down the Moon, a London-based introduction agency that has a carefully-screened professional/liberal arts clientele. They get excellent reviews from happy ex-customers.
Drawing Down the Moon
I too hope your Jubilee weekend goes well. It really is infuriating when you survey a room full of family of all ages and realise you are the only grown-up present, isn't it!

Cityfreak, what a double blow for you - your ex was also your best friend. What bad luck!

I think the dating agency/internet site solution is definitely one way to go. If this site is anything to go by, there are lots of nice, non-wierd people out there. Do you log on to friendsreunited? What about organising a class reunion or emailing some of your old school or college friends?

But running alongside this, I think it would be good to look for a new boyfriend in a more non-specific way. IME one surefire way of meeting men is via friends and acquaintances. The more friends you have the more social invitations come your way. Also, the men you meet via this route may be very well known to the group you are with - an invaluable safety net. And, if you meet a man and it doesn't work out, you've still got your new friends to fall back on. One big advantage over dating agencies. You're not putting all your eggs into one basket.

So, I think you should investigate group activities that appeal to mixed sex twenty - and thirty-somethings - like a sociable sport, a book club, a film appreciation society, a car enthusiasts club, a sponsored cycle ride. I read a great newspaper report recently about professional city people who do a few hours voluntary work each week eg for a hospital radio service. Each interviewee said one of the major benefits was the great social life attached to this work, and the friends they had made through it. Worth considering?

Also, hope you don't laugh at this - I know you work full time - I don't know what your home area is like, but have you considered getting a one or two night a week evening or weekend job, if babysitting allows? Some careful looking might reveal a nice local meeting place were there's a good chance of broadening your social life via fellow workers or clientel. ie a local theatre, cafe/wine bar, music venue etc.

Anyway, these are my suggestions. Hope they help!

Cityfreak, after an age on my own with my daughter I went down the route of adverts and had a lot of fun,( via the internet and the Guardian) met one weirdo, made some friends and then met the man who later became my husband and much to both of our suprise that was that and although I never thought I'd be the kind of person who'd do such a thing I am really glad that I did. As for the kind of person who does it... I learnt that any type of person does it. I have several friends who also met their husbands/partners this way and we are all very happy. Good luck,

Hmmm, I'm scared of the internet dating thing because my friend attracted a real oddity who now types 8 page letters to her out of the blue!! But I guess there's good things come out of it too...

I found it hard to meet anyone, but wasn't really looking until around xmas where I started going out at the weekend and meeting people and generally gaining more confidence about myself. The first person I dated (as chronicled on here somewhere) turned out to be ok, but not 'the one'. I'm now seeing a guy I fancied for years (at school etc) but never spoke to, he's the love of my life and he lives less than a mile away from me!!! Its a funny old world isn't it!
Good luck with whatever you do Cityfreak, this is all very recent for me (like in the past month!) so I know what its like to want company (and the whole 'package' - I'm the same age as you, so want more children etc) but not know how to go about finding it. I kept telling myself that there was no such thing as happy endings, but now I'm thinking that there may be after all...

www, I found my dh in a pub, and we've been together 6.5 years! (married 2.5). IME, someone often comes along when you're least looking for them.

I think I would aim to go out with some girlfriends once a month if you have a babysitter (can your ex have him for a weekend?). All of my best relationships have started by meeting in pubs, not just male either. You can increase your social circle and have great fun. But if you don't have many girlfriends to go out with, could your ex look after him one evening a week whilst you do an evening course. Car or computer maintenance are good ones to meet some men, but it could be anything. A lot of evening classes often have nights out and again, it's a way to meet friends both male and female.

Or how about starting a book club (like on the telly?). There are lots of ways. The best way to meet someone is simply to reset your agenda to make friends of both sexes. Don't look for a boyfriend, just look for friends. That way one is sure to come along. Once I had given up looking for anyone and was adamant that I wanted to say on my own, my dh came along to convince me otherwise.

If you have fun and be proud of who you are, those signals will reach others and you will find friends queing at your door!

Hi Cityfreak, I think Rhubarb's idea of a book club is excellent. Perhaps you could get just 2 or 3 friends to each bring along a friend each and already you have quite a circle (you could also insist that it has to be a single member of the opposite sex just to increase the interest!!). I know quite a few people who do this and, if nothing else, they do all seem to make firm friends which may lead to nights out, etc. It's also a good excuse to make time for yourself to actually read a book!

Thanks for all your responses, which I need time to think about. How awful that the burning question I have to ask is Wickedwaterwitch, what on earth did you do with the baby when you were having your one night stand!? I am now a Cinderella who always has to be home by 11 pm, or else pay an arm and a leg for the babysitter's taxi fare home! I am sorry to say that my experience of friends has not been as positive as Rhubarb's. When I was struggling, only a very few friends stood by me and offered me time to talk, hugs, and in one case a free loan. Now that I am supposed to be successful professionally and am happier, yes, some of the friends who dumped me come creeping back to queue at my door, but I have changed now, and I don't enjoy going out with people who are only interested in me when I have the latest pair of fashionable shoes on. Part of this is the City culture, that most of the people you meet if you go out for drinks are childless with enormous disposable incomes, and spend all evening talking about money and what they have bought. Anyone with a family just can't keep up with that sort of spending pattern. I did start scuba diving again and went to a few drinks parties, but I did not like anyone. They were all boasting about diving in really expensive remote parts of the world, and when I was asking if anyone dived in Cornwall or Ireland (v unfashionable)they looked at me scornfully, so I said sometimes it was nice to compromise, eg if you wanted a family holiday and had gone with someone who did not dive, and they looked at me as if I was crazy. I think, returning again to Wickedwaterwitch, I have now got a problem with keeping an open mind...

Cityfreak, sympathise about shallow City types: you're better off without them I think!

The answer to your question is that ds wasn't with me, he was with his father (my ex dh) for the weekend. We had split up by then. But it was difficult knowing when to introduce the two of them (ds and new dp). In the end I asked new dp if he wanted to meet ds and, when he said he did, introduced dp as a friend. Ds didn't see him in my bed or anything though for a while, until I was pretty sure it was serious. And then dp was around more and more often and eventually we moved in together.

Just wanted to add another 'positive' to the adverts route.
I was mid 20s and not meeting anyone even before any babies - very female based profession where I met no new people - nightclubs and pubs all provided plenty of men - but mostly lobotomised ( spelling!!??)in the end I decided to give it a go - first local papers ( not great) then national ( better) and met a variety of men - ( I got quite good at the logistis of it - making sure I chatted on the phone for an hour plus before arranging to meet to check that we really did have something in common - aranging to meet at 9pm for the first date - so that if really awful could leave after an hour saying needed early night as have to be up early for my job - etc etc!)
I met a load of nice blokes who I didn't fancy - a few I fancied and had short relationships with - one I went out with for 2 years - and then dh when I was 29 ( thru Private Eye).
I nearly didn't meet him as he made some comment on the phone about politics that made me think ''well he's not a labour voter' ( I AM!) then when arraning to meet I asked his car ( to recognise it)and he said BMW - and being horribly prejudiced I nearly said ''forget it'' there and then - then I had a car accident and had to cancel - but we did eventually meet and he was bl**dy gorgeous - so I decided '' Well I clearly am incompatible with a BMW driving fascist'' - But there's nothing to stop me sleeping with him!

6 weeks later he'd decided he was in love - and so was I !- 3 months later I'd decided I wanted to marry him ( he's voted labour since Tony went all free market friendly!)and 18 months later I did.

And we're very happy thank you - and BMWs are very comfortable - I'm a convert!!!!!

The moral of this story is ( are?)...
Try and overcome your very natural feeling re advertising - it really can work
Don't dismiss unlikely people out of hand.....

Cityfreak

Any luck on the b/f front?

Cityfreak, remember, you are only 28. I didn't meet my dh until I was 35 (nearly 36). You have ages (at least 10yrs) before your biological clock runs out so I'd recommend you concentrate on having fun and meeting nice people and being a friend to people rather than nabbing a husband and father for your future children. I believe that if you are open minded and not too picky (ie thinking you won't date anyone under 6'2", earning less than £40K etc like some of my single friends!) the love of your life will come along. I thought the City was full of single men!!

Aloha

I worked in the city for 3 years and it is full of men that would like to be single but I met very few that were truly single.

Just goes to show..what do I know? However, I worked in a pretty much all-female business for years and years but still met people through work if rather obliquely. Obviously, I do realise it is harder to accept invitations etc with a child.

CityFreak, hang in there. For the 3 years in between husbands I dated every professional in los angeles and finally found my dh on a building site (he's a plasterer) in london....

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Amanda, lucky you - how nice when things work out like that.

Wow, that sounds a bit like the very start of Cold Feet, Amanda (except that no-one's car was damaged). What a great story and I hope it continues to go well for you both

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