About six months after we broke up, my ex sent me a series of very heartfelt emails where he apologised pretty unreservedly for his abusive treatment of me. We spoke on the phone a few months later and he repeated his apologies all over again, and wouldn't accept any of my attempts to brush any of it aside or take any responsibility for any of it myself. He never actually used the word 'abusive', but he acknowledged most of his behaviour and apologised for it over and over again.
These definitely weren't attempts to win me back, as we were both in new relationships by the time of the phonecall, and I had moved far away to a different country.
Since joining these boards and realising just how many people have been in similarly abusive relationships, I've been wondering whether anyone else has ever had an apology like this from their abuser? And if you have, how did you feel about it? Did it help? Did you believe it? Can people truly 'change' if they face up to their mistakes? For me, while I appreciated the apologies, I still don't think I can ever forgive him and I do wonder whether he'll eventually slip back into old habits in his new relationship.
The abuse was mostly verbal and emotional, with a lot of threats of violence ('if you keep pushing me you'll make me do something I'll regret' type of thing). Without wanting to sound like I'm making excuses for him (I'm still deeply angry with him for so many thing), I believe he is/was an incredibly unhappy and insecure person who had a pretty dysfunctional upbringing. I think he was spoiled in a lot of material ways, without getting much in the way of real affection from his parents. Just my very amateur bit of armchair analysis!
I think that after the split, he realised that he had relied on me for literally everything, not just in terms of me doing constant chores and errands for him, but also as basically an emotional punch-bag who he could pour out all his unfiltered rage and misery to.