Toxic families.......

[rosebud1980]

just wondered how many people are estranged from their parents or inlaws. How long have the ties been cut? How do you feel about it? And do you even think you will ever make amends? Dp mum has cut him off nearly over a year ago. I think he can deal with that just about but its the fact she has turned his sisters against him-because she keeps playing the upset victim even though she called it.He doesnt really speak to any of his family any more because they dont want to break their loyalties with their mum.Im gutted for him and our child its not that i think we would be better off with having his family in our lives its the idea of having caring parents/inlaws/grandparents if given the choice i most definitely wouldnt have chose them. I feel weve been cheated of that.

There's a big thread on this, something like "My Mother has cut me out of her life". Lots of MNers are estranged from their parents or inlaws.

Would suggest both you and he read "Toxic Parents" written by Susan Forward.

Hey, same here!
My mother is the victim and my relationships with some of my siblings have suffered as a result of my non-relationship with her.

She is a destructive and depressing influence and I have a duty to protect my immediate family from those who could cause them harm. I believe my mother could cause them mental harm so whilst I don't actively keep my children away from her, I don't make the effort to let her see them. But then she doesn't seem that bothered to see them either. She goes around telling all who will listen how much she loves and adores them and how upset she is that she doesn't see them often, yet she never phones to speak to them, never arranges to see them.

My advice is to protect your own family.

Rosebud - I could go on for hours but probably easier if you see the thread I started, which NotQuiteCockney mentioned -"My mother has cut me out of my life" - sorry I still can't do links. And the book Attila recommends is excellent on the subject.

Invariably most of the siblings in a family will take their lead from their mother as your DH's seem to have done, and most of mine have done.

It is sad and it is hard. Most of us who posted on my thread are about 8 months to 2 years down the line. But there have been real benefits as well as the obvious upset at having been put on this position, the most important of which is not having to rescue your "victim" of a mother and beginning the process of self-definition without a toxic parent to tell you what to think, feel and believe.

The link to that thread is here...
www.mumsnet.com/Talk?topicid=7&threadid=241761#4857092

Hiya Rosebud,
Dh's parents have had minimal communication/ contact with us for nearly 2 yrs, it hurts us every day, and has caused alot of trouble in our relationship. I would love dd's to have both sets of granparents in their lives but i dont think it's gona happen any time soon. Dh has so much guilt piled onto him by it all that he has taken to all sorts of harmful behaviour..and has nearly caused us to split up due to the stress.
it's fil who we originally fell out with but he has since forbidden any other family members from seeing us/ contacting us. Mil came to see us in secret when dd2 was born, but fil found out and went balistic.
It seems a very common thing though these days, especially with mens side of the family. I have wondered if it is to do with alpha male stuff... that the young man must go off and forge his own life seperate from his parents..

not far off ten years for me
toxic does not descrribe the half of it but as Rhubarb says I put 'my' family first
Sad the way siblings have responded to all this and even sadder what it has done to my faith in human nature

I haven't spoken to my father in about 12 years. All sorts of reasons. He beat us and our mom a lot. He is a racist pig. Card carrying KKK member. He left my mom after 25 years for a girl who is two years older than me. I could go on and on, he isn't a nice person. I feel good about it. He isn't there to hurt me anymore. My brother and sister speak to him although they aren't close to him.

As far as your situaton is concerned I feel that Children pick up on tension. If your DP has a bad relationship with his mom maybe it is better that your child doesn't have to deal with that.

Paula you sound like you have come to a place of understanding about what is good and right for you, I agree with you, the children do definatly pick up on whats going on , and if the family members whom you are estranged from are abusive or just emotionally unhealthy in what ever sense then children are better of not having any relationship with them.

Dh's mum really wants to see the grandchildren but her loyalty is with her dh not to her son which is sad.sad that she is so scared of her dh.

Rosebud, what has happend to setrange your family from dh's?

Essentially it's a pattern that sometimes happens in a toxic family for there to be one sibling who does not work and is funded by an income stream controlled by the parent. This is just about control. Or where the child does work they are often still heavily funded by the toxic parent.

In order to direct resources towards to favoured child the parent will often manipulate resources out of or away from a less favoured child. 'The Black sheep'

My future MIL has two favoured and two non favoured kids. My partners sister made herself street homeless while having very severe schizophrenia issues in order to get away. She disappeared from the streets and we often wonder whether she found a man to rescue her or if she died.

One of the two female golden children married someone who is astronomically wealthy. The resources are there to look for the missing sister. But she was a ' black sheep' so nobody except us cares. The siblings were once able to get on and when they were mid to late teens they would fight back together as their mother and her partners abused them, they hit them back.

However year by year the sibling relationships rotted and rotted away to nothing. Your husbands family relationships could also deteriorate. Don't believe they will never fall out over money.

Therapy stately homes and walk away!

Whoops posted on wrong thread sorry how do I delete ?