Dating a man with a 6 year old daughter - should I be worried

[Achica123]

I went out on a date with this really nice man, who has a 6 year old daughter. He was upfront about that, so no games played there. A small part of me is feeling a bit hesitant about this. I never dated men with children before, so I am not sure whether this is going to be an issue at all. I am hoping not because I like him and I am planning to see him again.
What doo you think? Should I give this point much thought?

I think if you date a man of around your age who hasn't got children, he is the type who either avoids commitment or is in some ways a 'late developer.'

If your one aim in life is to meet up with a childfree man who is keen to start a new family, I imagine that making these preferences clear via a dating site would ensure you only ever met people who fitted your criteria.

I was in my mid-thirties when I met my partner who had two children. I went on to have another child with him. Being a step-parent has had its complications. But I can't now imagine my life without those complications - if that makes sense.

Pop over to the step parenting board and have a read.. food for thought.

Well there are two issues here, aren't there:

1. How do you feel about potentially being a step-parent?
2. Does he want any more DC?

But tbh this is VERY early days and question two will hopefully be answered by conversations you have as/if things progress. You're a 37-year-old woman. He has to have at least considered that you might want to have a DC. Most people do, after all.

As to the first question, well only you can answer that. I come from a step-family and I would never have married a man who already had DC, simply because of my own experience of step-families. But there are lots out there that work and lots of step-parents who are great. Its up to you whether you want to consider that or not.

I think if you date a man of around your age who hasn't got children, he is the type who either avoids commitment or is in some ways a 'late developer.'

Huh. Seriously, that is one of the most absurd statements I've read as to why some men of a certain age don't have kids. Offensive even.
You forgot to mention, maybe they tried with an ex but failed or they never met the right person or their own childhood put them off there are endless reasons other then a commitment free late developer.

Go and read the step parenting board.

You will be told repeatedly on AIBU that 'you knew what you were getting yourself into going out with someone who has kids' but the reality is never, ever the same. And quite often kids who were happy for mum/dad to date are less than happy when that relationship becomes long term/permanent or leads to marriage and other siblings for them.

I know it's very early days but please do go and have a look at potential pitfalls. In particular I'd want to know how long ago he broke up with the childs mum (to ascertain whether the child has fantasies of mum and dad getting back together and you would be the 'bad' person for preventing this) and whether he wanted any more children and also how the child would react to her dad having a partner after having sole attention for so long.

I did and didn't like it as it was too much hassle. Constantly changing plans, always having to consider others, no spontaneity. It wasn't for me.

Oh dear! Thank you all for your views and thoughts. I certainly didn't think of this all. Will have a look at step parenting board. I want to fall in a love and have a happy relationship, without making life hard for me or anybody.
Apprecaite your thoughs x

I want to fall in a love and have a happy relationship, without making life hard for me or anybody.

Well I suppose we all want that. But we love the people we love, and usually some complication or other arises - and we deal with that as best we can.

To be honest I'd talk to friends who are going out with people who have children. The step-parenting boards are mainly full of distress and vitriol. They don't necessarily show the people who are doing a reasonable job of making it work.

Yes, long term commitment to someone with children is more complicated and you can't assume it's plain sailing. But if he's a nice guy and you like him, perhaps you shouldn't run away feeling frightened because a few people on a messageboard are saying ' Be Very Afraid.'

It's your call.

The step parenting board by default will have more negative than positive experiences. Happy people don't log onto websites to complain about their lives and relationships, however it WILL give you some insight into the downsides of step-parenting.

In your case OP he only has one child and she is a 'good' age, in terms of being slightly less dependant, and you can also interact with her. His parenting of her will tell you a lot about him as a person, and possibly a father to a child with you one day. I find that men who are active in their children's lives tend to be slightly less selfish and all about me me me, in a relationship...e.g. Extremely committed to hobbies, regularly going out drinking with friends, more considerate etc.

Downsides, she may be a brat/annoying as children can be, she may find it hard to accept you presence, your relationship/free time together may revolve around his time with her and that can really breed resentment. If this is the case he will have to learn to manage his time effectively to enable your relationship to grow.

All in all, upsides and downsides like any relationship. My suggestion if you like him, is to give it a chance and see what happens.

Thanks ElinorRigby. I think what's shared here is useful to bear in mind. We have met once, been speaking a bit and the plan is to meet again next week, so it's early days. I think he's a nice guy, but I am trying not to get over excited. I have to think seriously about being a step parent if things progress between us.

I thought i could handle being a step parent at the age of 24.

How wrong was i!!!!!

I hated it, i hated my weekends having someone elses children who wouldnt do as they were told etc.

At first i loved them and then i resented them.

The constant texting from the ex partner about nasty things is something i couldnt handle again.

I have a toddler now yet i dont think i could date someone with children again even though i now have one myself.

I'm mid forties and thinking of them men I know who were childless at 40. They were mostly the ones who never had long term relationships because they were difficult in some way or who were commitment phobic or who didn't want kids. Obviously that's a generalisation and there are other reasons. But I think if you want a greater chance of meeting someone child free who wants kids then probably your best to look for someone a good bit younger than 40.

Oh really Oddsocksgalore ! I did say 'horrible term but you know what I mean' try not to be so sensitive yeah.

I think you are absolutely right to think this through.I was a similar age to you when I met dh and I had a child already.

I thought because I was a parent it wouldn't be too bad since I was familiar with the disruption that dc's bring to your life.Step parenting can work but I don't think anyone has an easy ride.Its a 3 or 4 way (if ex has a partner) 'relationship' as the ex will always be on the scene.

Equally dads tend to Disney parent daughters in particular so that adds extra frustration.
My step daughter us now at Uni but on reflection I wish I had assessed the impact before going further.You are wisely taking that step now.

My advice would be to get more information, doesn't need to be a job interview but understanding how life is now with his ex is important.Also keep the relationship casual perhaps not exclusive until you know more about him.Another useful insight is to see if he takes some responsibility for the relationship ending.Blending families need high emotional intelligence so if he's doesn't have high EQ/empathy you may struggle.

I suspect my situation maybe more usual as the ex is now on husband nos 3.She ramped up the hostility when we had a child together (despite her having more children herself).There was no way for us to predict that behaviour.

Thanks newname99 for sharing your thoughts. I decided to keep things casual until I am very sure of what I am stepping into. It is obvious that he is an involved parent, and he is not hiding that, and that's what I would expect. From a selfish point of view, I guess there are many gaps to be filled as we progress with getting to know each other, and before we take the relationship to a serious level.

Your thinking about this too much after just one date!

Why not just go with the flow and see what happens?

May be I am Oddsocksgalore. I will see what comes next, and take things from there

When me & my DP first talked about having children (I have one he has none) both late 30s he said he wasn't sure he wanted any - I definitely do - however as time has gone by & he says seeing me with my DS has made him realise he defiantley does want kids.

So I guess what I'm saying is give it some time - see how things progress & see how you feel

I dont think the PP who used the word baggage meant it to be offensive .

Lots of offensive stereotypes about childfree/childless ppl on this thread though.

Personally I'm quite suspicious of men in their 30s/40s etc who proudly declare 'no baggage'!

Why not, what's wrong with you? Why don't you have history?

OP, there's a lot that comes with being with a man with children once it gets serious. It's no walk in the park. It's a pity you've fallen for someone who has a child as it's quite heavy baggage which you will inevitably end up handling yourself. Good luck!

The only way to know is to get to know him better! I've dated two men who both had a DD. The first had a complicated relationship with his ex and said no to more children. I ended it. My current DP has a 13 year old and I'm now pregnant. There are some complexities with his ex and I wasn't sure of being a potential step parent at the beginning, but to be honest I don't find it too hard. The key thing is to bring it up early - we were talking about it from the start (I was the same age as you) and it took him about a year to decide he definitely wanted to ttc. Don't assume that he will come into this thinking about your age and that you are likely to want to have a baby. Men just want to date an attractive girl and don't think beyond that !

It's a pity you've fallen for someone who has a child as it's quite heavy baggage which you will inevitably end up handling yourself.

Though of course children are people. Not suitcases. I'm at the other end of the process now. Stepchildren grown up. Have been with my partner for over 20 years. They were 5 and 7 when we met.

They were often lovely to me.
They love the baby I had. Their sister.
From knowing them I knew what a good father my husband was.
I was a better and more relaxed mother for knowing something about children, through them.
They have grown into interesting likeable adults who I am glad to know. (I'm very fond of them.)

Which doesn't sound too bad. Even though there were difficult bits along the way.

I met a man when i was 25 and he was 32. He had been married and had 2 kids. We established v early on that i wanted kids and he wanted more. Otherwise that would have been the end of it then.
We have now been together 10 years, married 6 and have 2 beautiful dds and i have 2 stepsons i adore. It has not necassarily been the easiest road, however, i believe there are upsides as well as downsides to getting together with someone with kids.