DP FORGETS TO PICK DS UP FROM SCHOOL!!!! HE IS DRIVING ME CRAZY

[drosophila]

DP's memory is at best frustrating and at worst worrying. He does things like forget to pick DS up from school, forget to give him his medicine, forget to feed the kids etc....

He also willl pick something up and put it somewhere and it is never seen again. It is little things like I bought a deoderant and took it out of the shopping bags and left it on the kitchen table. I was called away by the kids and I have never seen it since. I walk around the house trying to think where he might have put it and what really fu*ks me off is he is so nonchalent about it.

I get cross cos I don;t have a great memory but I use strategies like leaving notes for myself etc.

I am sure he is getting worse and in my more caring moments I worry that it is something medical.

Having a dreadful memory myself I can sympathise, but I do think that forgetting to pick children up and forgetting to feed them is not down to a bad memory. I would tell him you're very worried, that it is unacceptable to forget to pick the kids up and send him to the docs.

You think it could be stress?

I am no expert (having a terminally laid back DP myself) but it could be stress. I do think your DH should see a doctor just in case it is something more serious.

had he always been like this?

I do wonder if he's stressed and/or depressed, but also wonder if he's lacking structure.

If you normally take primary responsibility for the childcare (no idea if you do or not) you get into a routine of what happens when. If you're just doing the odd day ad hoc I can quite see how you could be immersed in something and it'd get to 4pm and you realise you've forgotten to do the school run.

My DH runs his own business from home, but is frequently out to see clients, gets early call-outs, late emergences etc etc hence has absolutely no routine.
He often forgets to have meals at appropriate times, can't remember when he last saw stuff etc, just because there is no 'normal' baseline to work from...

i agree with MrsB. last night DH took DD2 to bed. she is on double dose of lactulose (anal fissure, very very important she has it), as they left the room i said "remember her lactulose and brush her teeth well". He said ok.
Two minutes later he came downstairs. I said, oh that was quick, did you brush her teeth properly?
His reply: teeth, no, sorry forgot. Me: lactulose? Him: uh, no.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Without wanting to minimise something as important as giving a child medicine. I just wanted to let you know of something. I am over 30 have a completed further education and held down a number of jobs and last year was diagnosed with Dyslexia. It had gone unnoticed as it is mild to moderate and I had compensated with other things. Anyway one of the symptoms is that I have a terrible memory- especially when given lists/instruction verbally. If I can remember two things I am doing well three- no chance. This ranges from the trivial (can you get eggs, milk and bacon at the corner shop) to the crucial. Dyslexia is all about problems with you working memory and the only way I can describe it is like having some sort of missing connection. Once you know about it you can find strategies to deal with it, but plenty of people (especially those who are not severe or who are otherwise bright and confident) did not have it picked up when they were younger. Worth thinking about? There are plenty of websites that list some of the other potential signs and UK Dyslexia support is excellent.

Hettie - that is really interesting. My DH has mild dyslexia and the most awful memory!!!

Like Twickersmum he can take DS1 up to bed, I remind him to brush his teeth and guess what? Comes back down in 5 mins and has forgotten.

Can sympathise completely with others on this thread - my DH drives me mad!

It is difficult to say whether, as hettie says it could be an actual issue or just lazy mindedness.

My dp has an awful memory. He forgets everything and it drives me nuts with frustration. I think my dp plays on it as I once said to him 'you think about work, what you have to remember there, you don't just ignore stuff and blame it on your memory, find a way to remember to switch the f*cking shower off'

You need to discuss it, calmly. My dp says I'm mean and unsympathetic. If there's a real problem with memory, there are ways of improving it with mind games and such. I think I found some stuff on the BBC website for improving the memory.

Good luck X

hettie, that is really interesting.
i tend to spell things to him rather than say them (so the children don't hear)... like there is I C E C R E A M etc and i have to do it about 10 times, infuriating!

maybe he does have some form of dyslexia? but then how the hell does he do his job (global software director ffs?)

Thing is I was considered to be dyslexic as a child by primary school teacher (who happened to be my brother) but have never been tested. I have looked on websites and I have a lot of the characteristics as does DP and I have mentioned it to him. I use coping strategies to deal with my won failing memory e.g. using my phone alarm, leaving post it notes around. DP won't listen when I suggest he use similar tactics although he has used his computer to warn him to pick up DS cos I suppose he knows it is really important.

Thing is, when you suggest things it's nagging and criticising . Can you find a book with it all written down in, preferably written by a man, then he might actually pay attention and give them a go.

was going to suggest phone / computer alarms - I've been known to set the pinger on the cooker (with a post-it he'll see when he turns it off) for when DH is home alone and something needs doing...

Big question - Does he forget things that are to important/to do with him? If the answer is no, then I'm afraid you have a passive-agressive on your hands. Google the term and see what you think.

hi there,
it actually helped me to get a proper diagnosis as i could understand some things about myself- plus some strategies help and other's don't/ you can't 'improve' your working memory if you have dyslexia- that part of the brain just doesn't work. Without getting too much into it, most of my deficit is in the phonological loop-so somebody giving verbal instructions/ info to me is particularly bad and I can?t do mental arithmetic for love nor money (I use too much capacity just to remember the question was what is 6x7 to then actually work out the answer as well ). So when someone explained all this to me rather than take the defeatist attitude of ?well I?m just rubbish at that, I can?t do anything about it? I began to see it as part of me and think about ways to work with it. Also the adult dyslexia people play it very positively- there can be lots of strengths to it too- I am great at seeing the big picture and have an amazing visual memory for example. I think what I am trying to say is that seeing the positives and understanding the condition gave me a whole new way of looking at the everyday problems that helped me really start to address them. Maybe your dh is reluctant to use techniques because he doesn?t see it as an issue within his control? Plus there might be something?s you need to accept, computer/ PDA reminders are great, but he is hardly going to be able to set them as he goes up the stairs to take the kids to bed t remind him what to so- perhaps when there are crucial things like that a notes above the bed might be more appropriate? I don?t know of course as the dyslexia thing could be purely speculative?.
Twicks- I can easily see how you can be dyslexic and a global software designer?? as I said lots of dyslexics are really good at understanding connections/ systems and big picture things (just don?t ask us to spell it!)