Is is realistic to be able to get over partner's affair, when they work with OW

[flaptastic]

Long time lurker here.

A few weeks ago I found out my wife was having an affair with a work colleague (we're both wives btw) and it had been going on for around six weeks.

It was a definite EA (with a physical aspect too) and several weeks after being found out she has realised it was delusional madness and is trying to make our relationship work. We also have an 18 month old son.

There were many lies, she brought the OW into our house overnight when I visited family, she stayed out overnight without telling me ("missed the last train home") and texted her compulsively when I was in the room. So much secrecy, and lies, lies, lies - where she was, who she was contacting, why she was late etc.

Anyway - that is all done and over with and I am attempting to draw a line under it - I do believe the relationship is worth salvaging and I love her very much.

The thing I am really struggling with though is the continued contact between them. They work together - not directly together, but closely enough so that there will be work-related contact. Probably a couple of times per week, unless something big is going on, when it might become much more frequent.

Also, they are continuing their contact in a number of other ways, they booked concerts to go to together (when the affair was still going on) and DW still intends to go, despite my feelings on the matter. They have shared playlists recently and still text most days (although I have been told it is strictly work only). They also co-chair a networking drinks thing every couple of months, which again, DW is still planning to do. And they publicly endorse each other on Twitter - again work related.

This is where I have a massive problem. I believe I can forgive the affair, and in some ways, I believe the wake-up call it has given us can make us stronger. What I can't seem to reconcile is the continued contact. It's like a scab that gets re-opened several times a day and it is making me bitter and resentful. It's like an actual physical pain when I picture them still in contact after what happened.

Is there anything that can be done? How can I get over this - any advice would be much appreciated. I kind of know that in the end, I will have to decide if I can live a happy life knowing that DW and the OW are in contact. At the moment, I'm really not sure about that. Also - there is no chance that DW will get another job, she is really senior and has a clear career path. Absolutely no chance of leaving to go somewhere else.

Maybe I just have to give it time?
Maybe there has to be an ultimatum about non-work contact?
Maybe it will be too much for me to cope with in the end?

Would appreciate some feedback from anyone else who has been in a similar situation - did you make it work, or was it ultimately too hard?

She has, at best, downgraded the affair to be non physical at the moment. Realistically she's probably just being more subtle.

She is keeping all the emotional ties to the OW, still paying her attention, still planning things.

The only thing she's doing for you is paying you lip service.

You could get over an affair if you both wanted too. You might be able to get over an affair with them working together still, although it'd probably require a new job in the end. But you can't get over an affair if it's still happening. The best you can do is to accept the affair and decide to tolerate it.

The only way to reconcile is if there is absolutely no contact. I think the two of them are still involved.

Or leave, of course, but I meant the best you can do if you want to keep the relationship, which it seems that you do.

It is your decision. Just don't kid yourself about what the decision is. I don't think you can just choose your wife. It sounds like she's clear that it's your wife and the OW or nobody.

I came on to say it is possible to get over a work affair and then I read the thing about the concert and the playlists. No, that isn't getting over an affair, that's still being in one.

That's terrible. It's all her way, isn't it? Her career path, her playlists, her concerts. Are you meant to be at home, looking after your DS while she is off, making hay? I'd be at home, petrified and watching the clock.
She is still continuing this affair in an emotional capacity (at least) and is treating you like the hired help. Are you a SAHP? What sacrifices have you made in the course of this relationship? Now ask, what sacrifices has she made - both prior to the affair and now that you've found out?

Agree with PP that your wife clearly intends to carry on. If she is so stellar in her field, she can easily find another company where she will forge an equally successful career. As it stands, this is ALL her way and there are absolutely no repurcussions to her.

Sorry you are going through this but I think, as PP said, you have to choose: your wife WITH the OW or cut your losses now. That probably seems scary and I don't often shout LTB but, Lord above, she is taking the piss.