Not sure how to feel.. hand hold?

[hadenough2014]

I found out today that my father died last year.. he was estranged to me and was absent in my childhood, we had a fraught couple of years contact when I was late teens but he was awful to me in many vile ways and in the end I walked away from attempting to make him be my father.
It hurt me, destroyed all my relationships with men and I always felt I missed out on being loved by a father. But I got on with it, I have had counselling in the past and I realise his failings were not my fault.

Even with all this I am shocked to the core that he is dead. Shocked that he didn't ever attempt to reach out to me and just happily went about his life knowing I was out there somewhere.
He was ill, it wasn't sudden. No one thought to tell me, I obviously missed the funeral and maybe the opportunity for closure before he died.

I shouldn't care, I know I shouldn't. Everyone around me can't work out why I'm bothered but I just feel pained by it... can anyone make sense of this. I'm assuming its shock and it will pass

That's a lot to get your head round, hadenough, and I'm sorry you're having to deal with it.

I can understand that it must bring up a whole host of conflicting emotions, including - I imagine - grief for the relationship that you might have had in some alternative universe.

Your reaction is natural. You are grieving for the relationship that deep down you still wish you had had a chance to have with your dad.
It must have been a shock to hear he had died.You are assuming he went through his life without you happily, he may well have had regrets, but that is something you are unlikely to know now.
It might help if you write him a letter. Pour it all out onto paper,all of your conflicting emotions about your relationship. And then say goodbye.
Big hug for you.