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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Am I over reacting?

17 replies

chipo · 17/01/2007 23:15

Just before xmas dh was constantly talking about this single mum he knows through work. There were constant txt msg's and so and so said this, so and so said that and so on. I lost my rag and asked him if something was going on or if she was after him? he swore blue murder that nothing was going on, that she was just lonley as her ex left her when she got pregnant. He also suggested I meet her cos she was a nice person and her dd is only 3 months older than ours. I said that I had no interest in meeting her. He told me nothing was going on and I believed him.
This afternoon while he was in the bath something came over me and I looked at the txt msg's on his phone and there were loads addressed to her. I started reading them and initially they were harmless, but then he was going on about being sorry if he had embarresed her with the txt he had sent her. So I carried on reading. I came across a message describing a very vivid sexual dream that he had had about her. The txt was so explicit that I couldn't even finish reading it and I closed his Phone. The only thing is I didn't see whether the txt was before or after our talk and I couldn't check cos i made him delete it straight away. (he keeps all his msg's so he knows how many he has sent that month)
I confronted him about it and he was instantly apologetic, "I regretted it the moment I sent it, I very sorry, of course nothings happened, I love you very much, I would never risk losing you and dd" etc...
I believe that nothing has happened between them, but I feel so hurt and betrayed.
Am I overreacting, it was after all just a dream?

OP posts:
BecauseImWorthIt · 17/01/2007 23:22

Hmm...

It might have been a dream but it's interesting that he should feel the need to share it with her.

It may well be that there is nothing physical going on with her, but it does sounds like there's a serious case of emotional engagement there. I would be very worried about this and would encourage him to withdraw from this relationship.

Sorry if this wasn't what you wanted to hear.

Fireflyfairy2 · 17/01/2007 23:27

Um, Yeah I would kick the shit out of him, smash his phone & then hair her

But I am insanely jealous...

Seriously, I would be a wee bit annoyed that he felt the need to share the dream with her, I mean, I have dirty dreams all the time, I doffo do not text the people they are about...half times I don't even tell dh if they have been about him!!

I don't suppose you saw her reply? I wonder what he would have done had she replied she wanted to act out the dream

MamazonAKAfatty · 17/01/2007 23:33

it was a dream and he was under the impression she was embarassed by the txt so it would seem as if there is nothing going on...yet!

he clearly has desires for her and the txt was probably to test the waters and see where he stood if he tried his luck.

get rid

chipo · 17/01/2007 23:34

Don't even want to know fireflyfairy2, I did ask him what her reaction to the txt was and he said she was embarrased and shocked and that they haven't spoken about it since. I also told him that I wanted him to tell her i knew about msg and my reaction.
Don't think she would like it if it had happened to her.

OP posts:
JustUsTwo · 17/01/2007 23:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Fireflyfairy2 · 17/01/2007 23:37

How long have you been together? Has he ever given you any reason to be suspicious before?

chipo · 17/01/2007 23:45

together 7 years, married 2 and half and have a 6mo. Never had any doubts or suspicions before either.

OP posts:
controlfreaky2 · 18/01/2007 00:06

bloomin men.

zookeeper · 18/01/2007 00:08

don't think you are overreacting at all - don't know what to suggest though. Can he change his job?

chipo · 18/01/2007 00:28

Funny you mentioned that, he has just been promoted and there is an intensive training programme involved (12 weeks) so wont be based in the same place. But after training he will be back in the same place (he works for london underground). She doesn't actually work for the same company but is a police officer and his station is on her patch.

OP posts:
DetentionGrrrl · 18/01/2007 06:23

Of course it was just a dream- but why was he telling her about it, let alone in detail?! It sounds like the kind of friendship that should be nipped in bud to be honest. Not saying he's done anything wrong, but things could escalate. And if i found that text, i'd feel hurt and betrayed too. And i'd probably ring her and tell her to piss off with a couple of gins in me.

NewMoonOnMonday · 18/01/2007 06:46

God - I would be seriously p*ssed off about that. He can't help what he dreams about but it was very stupid of him to text her about it. What was he thinking? Perhaps he wanted to test her reaction to see what her feelings were towards him - sorry, I feel like I'm rubbing it in.

I think all you can do is let him know how betrayed you feel by this. Perhaps he just wasn't thinking straight/thought it was funny or something.

JustUsTwo · 18/01/2007 07:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

chipo · 18/01/2007 11:45

I had it out with him last night and asked him why he had sent her the msg, he said that he didn't know and that he regretted it the moment it was sent. He said it was flirting that went too far. (we are both very flirty and its cos of that we are together)

I also asked him what would have happened had her reaction been a positive one, he said that he wouldn't have taken it any further. I want to believe him and think he is telling the truth.

I asked him to stop the friendship and if he values our marriage at all he better.

He cried last night which hasn't happened for years. He did seem upset that he had hurt me so badly. Don't think it was cos he got caught.

OP posts:
suzycreamcheese · 18/01/2007 11:50

it sounds like it could be something and nothing iykwim..

bit stupid thing to do but not got anywhere so okay? he said he regretted it straightaway, we all do daft stuff sometimes...

TeeCee · 18/01/2007 11:57

No your not overreacting. However I'm not going to tell you to 'get rid' like so many mumsnetters like to do. I'd never end my realtionship with anyone that easily so would never, ever suggest anyone should. You have children and been together a long while and although he has been stupid and selfish and unfair he hasn't actually had a 3 year full on sexula affair behing your back either.

Personally I'd just sit down and talk to him as calmly as you can. I'd be cross and upset, hurt, scared but I'd also work together to make sure it doesn't happen again.

He needs to cut out all texting with her from now on for starters.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 18/01/2007 13:06

I would get your DH to honestly answer these questions:-

Do I feel like it's easier to talk to my friend than my partner?

Does my friend seem to understand me in a deeper way than my partner?

Have I stopped confiding my deepest feelings and concerns with my partner and now turn to my friend for these needs?

If you find yourself or your partner developing an emotional affair, you need to put your attention on your primary relationship as soon as possible. Get help to understand why you drifted to this other person in the first place. Begin the work of re-investing emotional energy in your primary relationship. Turning to someone else during a time of conflict or distance often is merely escaping and avoiding other issues which won't go away. And don't kid yourself: these same issues will resurface again should you develop a real relationship with your emotional affair partner. You may as well learn to deal with them now, before putting yourself and your partner through a terrible crisis.

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