If I say no to sex, H shouldn't sulk. Right?

[MrsMcBoatface]

I'm struggling to see what my part was in this. I'm trying to take a balanced view but the fact is he wants sex more than me like all the time and for years I went along with it but these days I think I shouldn't have to go along with it just to keep the peace. He thinks that I should be flattered that he still finds me attractive, we are, on the surface, a good team but that's only when I don't assert myself too much.

I had one counselling session last week, on my own, I talked with the counsellor about setting boundaries in the relationship and I've been thinking (hoping) that I could define what was acceptable to me then H and I could stay married. BTW We've been married for 25+ years and kids have left home.

Anyway, here's the point: H wanted sex this morning, I said no. In my politest boundary-defining way I said no, let's just stay in bed and chat. He went into an almighty strop and stomped out of the room. Then he got ready for work and left in a huff.

I'll add, the last time we had sex (at his insistence) wouldn't be more than a week ago so it's not like it's been months. H has, in the past, asked me to 'liven myself up' and get HRT or 'female viagra' off the internet, to be fair I did tell him where to go with that idea. It might be partly ageing or hormones but I don't see any point in pursuing that. If he would suddenly become a nice person I might make an effort but for now I just want some opinions here on what happened this morning...he shouldn't have responded like that, right?

Yes you are right he shouldn't have responded like that. You are allowed to say no or to change your mind, that applies in everyday life and the bedroom.

I think you can teach an old dog new tricks if the dog is willing. This morning he expressed what he wanted, you did too - you said no in a reasonable manner, suggesting an alternative. He is entitled to feel what he felt; disappointed not to strop off. It is unfamiliar territory to your H and he is showing he doesn't like it. It is possible he will adjust his mindset but it won't be overnight. He might accuse you of rejecting him but how cherished do you feel if he isn't interested in how much you enjoy the experience? You are not just a means to relieve or service him. That phrase at his insistence was pretty chilling. I don't know if you ever initiate sex but surely if you rarely do so, that alone should be telling him something. In this case I think you need to articulate how you feel, this has to be spelled out. He doesn't want to listen if you say something he dislikes hearing, so make it plain.

Old patterns are hard to break, asserting yourself probably feels new and daring, it must have felt remarkable voicing what you did at the counselling session. Will you go again? I might be wrong but perhaps the stronger and more confident you become, the more likely it is your libido can return.

However - hope you don't mind me saying but I recognised your nn from an earlier thread, in which you referred to him as selfish and emotionally abusive. It may dawn on him that some of what's happening in your sex life is affected by what happens elsewhere in your married life. While you "give in" when unwilling, in whatever circumstances, he is able to fool himself that everything is carrying on as it always has.