Stuck

[monkerina]

Not really sure what I'm after here; to feel heard, probably, and hopefully a reality check as I can't see the wood for the trees. This is a ridiculously first world problem.

DH and I have been together 6 years, married 3.5, with a 18 month gap after the first 18 months where we split up because we weren't making each other happy. We now have a wonderful 14 week old DS but once again I'm not happy and don't know how to get there.

My problem, I think, is that I don't feel that I am considered. By this I mean that I do everything at home and do little things because I feel it would be something DH would appreciate; do things to make 'his' jobs easier, make food he likes, the way he likes it. But I don't get that in return- it took a big argument for him to now offer me a glass of water whenever I'm bfing, another for the water to be put where I want it. He says he doesn't do more because 'it's always wrong' when he tries- he made me a sandwich a month ago which I didn't eat because it wasn't made the way I like. It's like he got 80% of the way there, but hasn't cared enough over the 8 years we've known each other to notice how I construct a bloody sandwich. It's ridiculous and such a small thing, but really struck a nerve. The other mums I know seem to mostly have caring, attentive DHs- lovely first Mothers' Day presents (I got a small box of Malteasers, and he admits he wouldn't have got that if I hadn't made it very clear I expected something) and walks in the park at the end of the day (would love that; we get TV whilst eating dinner on separate sofas, me eating one handed with DS on boob).

I'm happy to admit (here!) that I'm probably a bit hormonal still, trying to get everything perfect for my pfb, suffering a bit of an identity crisis at being mainly DS's mum now not just Monkerina and therefore not altogether reasonable, but I just don't know how I can pull it all together and get happy. I do love him, and he says he loves me, but I just don't feel it; don't necessarily need grand gestures but the little things count, like making a bloody sandwich the way I like it or taking us out for a walk round the block!

I can't decide if he's right and I'm being silly/wanting too much/perfectionist (my take on his opinion, not his words) or if it's reasonable for me to feel upset and uncared for.

You're!

The friends situation... When I was at uni I was diagnosed with severe depression (due to family circs) and developed social anxiety. My uni friends and I have drifted a little in the 9 years since leaving but still speak, although we're geographically distant. New mum friends through NCT, but still at the getting-to-know-each-other stage. I find being around other people very stressful, in a don't-know-how-to-please-them kind of way, so generally try to avoid it... DH is pretty much the only person I don't feel the need to please, which is probably why I married him- the only person I feel comfortable enough with to let my guard down! Possibly gone a little too far in the opposite direction now, no?- and does give him a lot of responsibility, which isn't fair and he could probably never live up to.

I should probably add that my mum divorced my dad because she wasn't made happy, and that (and the ensuing trying to make her happy, and alienation when she met my stepfather who then took 100% of her attention) was a massive contributing factor in my depression. Don't want to do that to DH or DS.

I'm coming to the conclusion that this is a MH/emotional issue more than relationship.

Jeez, I promise I have good points too, just having a bad few days!

Ooh, you sound a lot like me in terms of family and MH background. I too have anxiety and depression, my mum has poor health and my dad does everything...it was a shock to find I am the 'driver' most of the time in my own family!

I was reading this thinking that the book on love languages might help the two of you to communicate better, and then saw LadyPeter had got there first. (But don't fib, Lady Peter, Bunter makes all the cups of tea in your household.)

You replied OP, that when you explained this your husband didn't seem to take it in. Why not order the book and ask him to read it? Or read it together with him?

It's really hard to work out whether he's checked out or you're just both in that new-parent fog. I'm not sure that you know that either. I think that you'll tell a lot from his reaction to being asked to do things like read a book that might help the two of you to communicate better.

For what it's worth, feeling cherished by a partner, and caring enough to cherish them in return, is really important. You're not wrong to want that.

I'll try the book- wouldn't hurt to have a better understanding than my sort of visceral concept of the idea. Think I'll find it a challenge to get him to read it- during my pregnancy I worked hard at hypnobirthing and begged him to read a section, so he could understand why it was important to me and he could help communicate my wishes to the midwives. It took seven months and a lot of tears to read one three-page section, after which a critique of the book's claims was given and eventual grudging agreement to support me in whatever I wanted, just tell him what he needs to tell the midwife (subsequently followed up by suggesting being induced/drugs/csection, all not what I wanted). This is a different situation though, so maybe he'll see the value?

Somerville

I feel a bit sorry for your husband.

I think you probably have a touch of the baby blues op.

That latest bit of information is an indication that he's checked out a bit. Why couldn't he see the value of becoming clued up on labour? Not expecting you to be able to answer that, BTW.

And Lady Peter (may I call you Harriet? ), my love language is also words. I suspect your fictional-husband may attract us wordy types.

I do too Oddsocks- I wouldn't want to be married to me right now either, hence trying to figure it out before things get worse. I don't want to hurt him or DS.

I don't think it was not wanting to know about labour per se- he's convinced he can't 'do' biology so just won't interact with anything under that heading, and feels that birth takes place in a hospital for a reason and therefore you should do whatever works best for the doctor. I'm slightly more hippy in my approach to birth, feeling that it's a natural process first (ideally) rather than a medical procedure.

Can't do biology?! When you needed him to be informed enough to be able to advocate for you?

Sorry lovey, he sounds lazy or somewhat checked-out or scarily dimwitted

Somerville: As my creator's alma mater, you may indeed call me Harriet.

And your observation is blinding in its brilliance; the silver-tonged Peter Wimsey is indeed the perfect husband for those of us who thirst for words of love and encouragement. I had never thought of that before but all is now clear. DH has read The Nine Tailors but perhaps I should present him with Gaudy Night et al, and explain more clearly that I have been in love with PW since I was 16 and this is the man he has to live up to.

monkerina: I wonder if a third party might help you articulate the things you are trying to communicate. I know good counsellors can be hard to come by, but sometimes it takes someone else to help you listen to each other.

Harriet Good catch!

My new work colleague picked up a PW reference I made in an email. Hence he's now my boyfriend. (The colleague, not Peter, alas.) He's currently discovering the delights of Francis Crawford of Lymond, the other literary love of my life. (And I actually chose this NN because it's the name of his love interest. Great minds...)

(Apols for hijack, monkerina. A counsellor is a good idea. )

Will PM you, Somerville, so as not to derail the thread anymore.