Did I do wrong?

[shilpafan]

We have just come back from a week in Spain, "we" are me, my partner and my 2 children. My partner and I do not live together but we paid half and half for the over-all price of the holiday, this meant in a way he paid more than he had to as he paid for one of the kids too but he didnt see it like that, just that we should pay half and half.

Anyway it was a struggle for me getting my half together as Im on income support but the space of around 9 months I managed it, it skinted me but I figured it would be worth it.

So we get there and he starts being grumpy with the kids, telling them to calm down and stop showing us up etc (they were just excited and being a little boistrous, nothing too OTT). anyway we get to our room and there is a leaflet saying about all the day trips for that week, he starts saying he wants time to relax, not go galavanting around everyday. I remain calm commited to not arguing whilst on holiday. we then go to bed.

Next morning me and the kids get up, they're desperate to get into the pool etc, dp moans that its too early, me and kids go downstairs for breakfast and then head for pool, DP makes it downstairs just in time for breakfast.

Then basically for the rest of the week DP moans about getting up so early, moans about the kids being too boistrous, moans about us wanting to go on day trips, moans about the food and nags constantly that we need a car as he hates walking when its hot. When I start to feel myself not enjoying the holiday and resenting him for it I decide its best to do my own thing with the kids and leave him to sulk, look for cars, compalin about the food or whatever else he wants to do. From this point on me and the kids had a great time, went on the trips, got up early to explore the island and basically made the most of it.

When we got home DP is in a mood with me saying I spoilt his holiday, he feels he wasted alot of money on it as he was just abandoned and he also feels that I used him to pay for half of the holiday just to sod off and leave him when we got there.

Was I in the wrong to go off and do my own thing considering he paid for half of the holiday?

(the kids are not his btw)

My earlier post may have been a bit flippant but I think there is a serious issue here.
Put simply, there appear to be a lot of adults around who refuse to accept that they need to work to higher standards of behaviour than children do. They are incapable of putting someone else's needs before their own, they whinge and sulk when they don't get their own way and they are incapable of seeing that not everyone wants to do the same things at the same time and that compromise is often necessary. Shilpa's DP was behaving like a seven-year-old not an adult. And as far as I can see this type of infantile behaviour is increasingly accepted as normal for adults. Personally, I would be horrified if my nine-year-old behaved like that.

tel him to go on holiday on his own next time. Was he hoping you would sedn the kids off to the kids clubs and you and him could stay in the hotel room all day??

I think he is just a normal man with no experience of children

Whether the relationship will work depends on what Shilpa wants - whether she wants a partner for HERSELF or whether she wants someone to become part of her family, in which case, he will need to change

Sounds as if he fell into the child-free reality gap. The full joyful reality of a holiday with kids doesn't hit you like a brick when it's your own children - you've got used to it over the years - but it will hit a child-less partner. If he still beleives that 'holiday' means lying in bed till 9 or 10, going to bed later, lazing about round the pool, it will all have been a horrible shock to him.

But better he finds this out now than after you're living together and he discovers that every day is likely to be more like this. Is he really ready for this?

Have to add that my DH (who is my childrens' father) has moments like this. Quite a lot actually. I've learnt over the years that it's easier to just leave him to his own devices - kids and I do our own thing. I've accepted that we both have different interests and attitudes to childrearing.

It takes a helluva lot of getting used to, not just hols. And unless you have experience of it, or been prepared it can be like having a big wet fish belting one in the face as a wake up call. I have been there with a loved one's child (aged 12 and his buddy) - think I DID manage to learn quicker than Shilpa's dp..but it was alot to adjust to...

spouting about "dump him. he's a dick. he won't change" is just tiresome,easy, damaging rubbish, expressed on threads WAY too easily when if fault becomes apparent. IMVHO.

Did she do wrong?? No, not at all. But prepping before hand would have been a better idea.....

It's one reason I try only to date fathers actually. If you've never lived with children you have no idea what it's like. May be this was a good thing as a sort of wake up call to him and you as to how it might be if you were together all the time.

So tell me Xenia, what are you doing later??

I'm supposedly working as I go on holiday on Saturday but it's a very material thing. I had dinner with someone who didn't have children a few weeks ago and they say things like - I get on really well with my nieces but you can tell if they're my age or older especially that they just have no idea. They haven't got that shared history of sleepless nights, that understanding of what a real child is like, the experience that free time doesn't exist.

Message withdrawn

Pann - you're a shocker, but Xenia, he's lovely

Agree with everything Pann and MP said.

I dont think he knew exactly what he was letting himself in for.

AND I get narky and peed off with my two on holiday too, and I am their Mother

Sometimes holidays (if you can afford it) where the children are looked after for part of the day are a good compromise.